Bad Life Decisions.

I sorta binged yesterday. But it wasn't really a binge because it wasn't do to stress. It was just. I don't know... me eating lots.


It started out okay! I didn't eat until right before work (5 p.m). I decided to eat then because all day I felt like I was going to faint and it was just getting worse the closer to work I got.

So I had a little bit of rice with veggies (150).

Then, my friend came and visited me at work. That's when the eating began.

I'm a cake decorator at this grocery store, right? So I work with cakes and icing and cookies near by.

And I work when all the bakers are gone. SO IT'S JUST ME THERE. That's why it was so easy to just eat a bunch of cookies with my friend, some icing, and some cake ends.

I'm such an awesome vegan... T_T

Anyway, so I was munching away on that stuff and she was like, "Let's get drunk tonight!"

And I was like, "YEAH." because apparently now I drink and wanna go out all the time and do things.

So we went to Subway first because that's the whole reason she came to visit me in the first place, Subway. And when we got there I was already in the "fuck it" mindset. So I got a footlong veggie (no cheese, I was sort of good!) with mayooooo because... alcohol.

BUT WE DIDN'T DRINK.

So I went home. BORED AND ALONE. So I decided to smoke one out of the two cigarettes I've been stashing since I was in grade 10. My first sober cigarette.

It was nice. And tranquil just sitting outside in the freezing cold for a few minutes. And I think I might want to take up smoking. Which is bad and I know it is, AND EXPENSIVE.
But, if I can only go through a pack a week it'd be like my diet pills which I would then give up and then I wouldn't be totally broke all the time! And they would for sure make me less hungry, and I know it messes up with your taste buds too so I'm all over that.

I just have to find a way to hide it from my mom. She has an amazing sense of smell unfortunately.

I also weighed myself this morning and (still no numbers, sorry) I weigh the exact same as I did when I last weighed myself!

To some that's utter failure, but because I binge soooo much I'm pretty proud. Especially since I weighed myself AFTER binging. We'll see how low I can get by the end of my week long fast (if I don't fuck it up agin...)

I'm also thinking about dropping out of school.

Which is more stupid than thinking about smoking. I'm really dumb lately I know.

But it's like, ugh. SCHOOL. It's so boring, so stupid. I don't even know if I want that! Like, yeah I want it because I'll get a lot of money being a psychologist and owning a clinic. BUT, do I actually need that much money? I honestly don't think so.

I just want the ocean, my mom, and some friends (which is impossible whether I'm in school or not lol).

What if I start writing. What would happen with that? What if I paint more? I've been drawing a lot lately and am actually fairly decent! Things look like they're supposed to! What if I play the piano more? Well, nothing really but I like the piano.

What I'm getting at here is, what if I surround myself with love and art? Will I sink? What would happen?

I could open a gallery. That'd be a cool job. Selling people's art! Putting on shows!

I could write books and poems.

I could take photos and try to make a living off that.

Like I don't even know. There's nothing I'm actually really good at, you know?

Ugh, life.

It's so hard.

SO SO SO HARD.

- Mint.

Almost halfway through!

Day three is completeeee.

It was hard though because I had my regular shift today (5-10) and forgot my dinner time V8 drink. So I actually felt hungry, and almost broke down.

BUT I DIDN'T

So that's good.

Other than that nothing's different, nothing's exciting. Everyone is back in town because the semester is over and I'm dreading seeing people. I'll just stay home until they all leave.

Sounds good.

- Mint.

Bippity boppity BOOP.

I'm drinking by myself right now.

I haven't had any alcohol in over a yearrrrr.

I don't even normally drink.

Why am I drinking now? I have no idea.

I was watching my drunk kitchen on youtube and I got super hyper and felt like I was drunk. Then I was like, "WHAT IF I WAS ACTUALLY DRUNK!?"

So then I grabbed some booze and here we are.

I've had one proper drink and I'm already tipsy.

Fuuuuuck.

Liquid only fasting! WoOoOoOoOo!

Day two completeeeee.

LOVE YOU TO BUNCHES,

Mint.

I am cold.

So my friend let me read her "secret blog".

I was super excited because I'm just a curious person and no one ever tells me anything! I have no idea why no one tells me anything actually. I'm not a bitch. I don't talk about people behind their backs. I honestly don't care enough to talk about other people.

BUT ANYWAY, she shared her blog (after deleting a few things T_T) and I was really excited to learn about my friend's DEEP DEPRESSING SECRETS.

Yeah, right.

Turns out she's just a party girl (which I already knew), and she had a slutty phase (which she already told me about), and she's super nice and everyone loves her. LOL SO DISAPPOINTING.

C'MON B, C'MON.

I finally had a successful fast today! And Starshine said she'd fast with me to help me stay on track. It's sort of sad when someone realizes you're so lost and fed up with life that only successfully starving yourself can help. I'll take it though. If someone wants to kick my ass into gear, GO RIGHT AHEAD. I WILL LOVE IT AND LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Today my dad wanted to have lunch with me but I was at work :/ so he came and said hi to me there!

I honestly got teary eyed. I don't know why. I don't even like my dad and I know we'll never be close. But I don't know... I was just happy.

My brother also texted me today saying that if I needed anything while my mom was gone to just ask.

Am I the only one finding this extremely suspicious? Mom must have said something.

Did I mention that I didn't sleep last night? I just decided that I wasn't sleeping, and that was that.

Today I think I might take some sleeping pills just to zonk out fast. I can see this becoming a vicious circle...

- Mint.

This is the title, it is very informative indeed.

This last week has really sucked.

I broke my veganism (is that the right term?) and I guess I just didn't stop because I just have been eating and eating and eating...

I'm so tired too, and not thinking but thinking non-stop at the same time.

Earlier in the week I was being sorta reckless.

I was walking on the sidewalk and I knew I had to cross soon. I heard a truck speeding behind me and I just decided that I'd cross at that moment. It stopped obviously but it was really close. And I was sort of disappointed that it didn't keep going to be honest.

I've been driving really fast lately too. Not looking when I change lanes. Going through the lights before they've changed green. Not slowing down when I'm going around tight corners, down steep hills. It's icy. I should be careful.

The other night was terrible because I kept thinking of ways to end it. I was getting nervous, and quite frankly annoyed with my thoughts because I just wanted to sleep because sleep is always the better option.

I've been cutting too. Then ripping of the scabs to bleed some more.

Ummm...

School sucks. I don't know what to do about that. I'm about half a semester behind in everything.

People ask me, "Well why don't you do something else?" I don't do anything else because there's no possibility that would be remotely better.

I hate life. The only thing better than where I am right now is death. I want it so bad.

My mom's gone to Maui for a week, she drove to the city this afternoon and will fly out tomorrow morning. I was sort of disappointed when I found out that she made it safely to the city. If she was dead, then I would have no reason to stay here. Does that make me a terrible daughter?

My brother went missing again a few days ago. My parents were freaking out again. "It's cold outside! And he has no car! What if he freezes to death?" I would've been pissed if he had died. Because both children can't die, that would be rude... Anyway, it turns out he was at a dealer's house, spending all his money away.

Apparently he's going to rehab soon. Great.

This afternoon when my mom left, I ate everything in the house or spat on it, or just threw it out.

Tomorrow starts my week long juice fast. I better fucking stick to it. I better show some fucking strength.

When I first started binging this past week I was doing everything I could think of to stop it. I worked out, I drank waterwaterwater dietpopdietpopdietpop, punched my legs over and over, slapped my face multiple times and yeah. Still fucking binged.

Weak worthless waste of space.

I'm such a terrible person. I know I am. Wasting this life I have. Saying it's terrible when everyone has it so much worse. I know, I'm pathetic, but seriously.

When I heard about the Connecticut shooting I knew my heart should have dropped, I know I should have felt something, especially with Christmas coming up.

But nope.

Nothing.

- Mint.

My friend is going on a diet.

It's been awhile, and I don't even remember where I left off.

Oh well...

This past week has actually been good! I bought a new journal a little while ago for some new inspiration and it's working! I've been restricting to about 500 calories a day, and I fasted on Monday too. I just need to work on working out.

School has been good too, I'm slowlyyyy catching up.

But let me tell you about something that happened to me yesterday:

My best friend has decided to go on a diet so she can "get skinny super fast". This friend of mine, we'll call her B, is kinda big. But she's always been kinda big. Her whole family is kinda big, and her weight is the only constant in my life apparently because when she told me about her idea my head flipped.

First, it yelled at me for eating, "YOU FAT BITCH! NOW EVEN B WILL BE SKINNIER THAN YOU! WHY DID YOU EAT YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT!? WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING OUT YOU LAZY FUCK!?"

If my only constant changes, then what is life?

Obviously I see this as a major competition so I'm now restricting to 300 calories. I don't think I could physically eat more than that. I was going to fast twice a week too, but I need to be smart about this and not go overboard, not yet anyway.

But I don't want her to diet because what if she has more control than I have? She probably does. What is she becomes skinnier than me? She probably will.

Then what?

And, what if, she develops an eating disorder? That would be even worse. I don't want her falling down this rabbit hole. We all know it's easy to get in, but fucking hell to get out.

I don't want her feeling guilty, and worthless, and disgusting, and fat. I don't want her counting calories without thinking, keeping a tally even when she doesn't want to. I don't want her head yelling at her for eating, or taking up space, or for being a fat whale. I don't want her constantly standing on the scale, hating the number.

God oh god, no.

But she'll diet whether I help her or not so it's really frustrating. She wants to diet to impress her boyfriend and to keep herself distracted when he's away.

We all know that with the right brain structure, this is a plan for disaster...

♥,

Mint.

Wait, don't drown it in the waterhole. Taste, the feeling of a fever soul.

1. Yesterday I ate too much, so I'm fasting today.

2. Yesterday morning my mom told me that when she got home from work, I would show her where I was at with my schooling.

It stressed me out all day. I couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that I'm a failure and I hate myself.

I cut of course.

Felt guilty. Ate. Felt more guilty and ashamed. Wanted to cut more, but didn't.

Felt absolutely alone.

When I told her how behind I am, she was really sweet and nice about it all. She knew how terrible I felt about it. I'm lucky to have her.

3. After that ordeal was over, I had a lovely little anxiety attack and couldn't sleep.

4. When I finally fell asleep I dreamt that I had a super huge thigh gap. If only...


♥,

Mint.

Whispered notes, from the piano in the corner of the room.

1. I easily stayed within my 500 calorie limit today. It's odd how I can eat terribly for days without even thinking about calories, but as soon as I set a limit for myself my brain keeps screaming, "Too much! Too much, you fat ass! Stop eating!!!"

I  don't like a limit of 500. I feel much more comfortable with 300. But I know that as soon as I get into the swing of this, I'll cut it down to 300. I just have to remember that 500 is very little, and I will lose weight if I simply stick to this plan.

2. Last night my mom asked me what I ate for supper. And I couldn't think of anything. There was no evidence of food being used up, no dishes, no garbage, no nothing. How could I have been so stupid?

So I told her nothing. She was like, "Nothing!? What did you eat throughout the day then?"

Again, my brain couldn't think of anything, so I repeated my original answer of nothing. Saying that I was so full from eating badly the day before when she wouldn't stop looking at me funny.

She let it go, she knows not to make a fuss about food with me. I just thought it was funny that this is the first she was aware of me not eating for an entire day, when I've fasted for days around her quite frequently before.

3. Oh yeah, my dad took my brother out for supper tonight.

He drove an hour here and back, just to take my brother out for dinner, when I don't even remember the last time he's said something to me.

cutcutcut

Nina: My mom giving me diet pills is really nothing out of the ordinary haha I've been taking them and detox pills on and off since I was 14. I've lusted for thinness ever since I can remember, and when I was having a hard time with friends when I was 14, I just defaulted to needing to lose weight. It's a distraction from the world around me, and makes me happy when I see results. My mom of course likes me to be happy, so she let traded me the diet pills I asked for, for the smile she needed to see. I buy my own now, of course, but she doesn't know about it. If she did know though, she obviously wouldn't say anything.

Broken Wings: I'm flattered that you're taking part in my little diet plan! I wish you the best of luck! Just please stay safe, okay? ♥ I wish that I could be a good buddy and keep you motivated but I'm really afraid that I'd fail at keeping contact. Lately, I'm just too numb to focus on anything but my own priorities (aren't I selfish?). Stress has me so suffocated, so isolated, that simply writing about my day is a challenge! I mean, how many bloggers out there are so apathetic that they need to number their thoughts per post just to seem semi-organized and put together? I really do wish you well though! You'll be in my thoughts. c:

♥,

Mint.

Another plan to fail.

1. So after a few days of binging on couscous salad and bean salad, I've finally returned to report a day of fasting.

2. I feel stupid saying that I've created yet another foolproof  plan (since lately I haven't been sticking to anything), but here it is:

• Roughly 500 calories per day
• 1 day a week for juice fasting (still staying in the 500 cal limit)
• Breakfast is either 1/2 a banana (50) and 9 almonds (60), 1/2 apple (50) and 1/2 tbsp peanut butter (50), oatmeal (110), or a super thin slice of bread (50) with peanut butter and jam (50).
• A snack of either 1/2 a banana (50) and 9 almonds (60), 1/2 apple (50) and 1/2 tbsp peanut butter (50), or 4 carrots (100) with mustard.
• Lunch is a bowl of soup (100), or an open faced veggie sandwich (100).
• Another snack of either 1/2 a banana (50) and 9 almonds (60), 1/2 apple (50) and 1/2 tbsp peanut butter (50), or 4 carrots (100) with mustard.
• Dinner is a salad (100), soup (100), or steamed veggies (100).

I'm trying to fit in all the cravings (protein, carbs, sugar), and keeping a higher metabolism by eating frequently throughout the day.

I'm going to really try to workout on non-fast days, and make sure to keep up with liquids (coffee in the morning, tea and water in the afternoon, water and mint tea in the evening).

So today was good, hopefully tomorrow will be too.

3. Last night my mom gave me her green coffee bean diet pills because she said she's not consistent enough. I'm happy because I've been wanting to try them out. So in the morning I'm taking my regular diet pill, and then before lunch and dinner, I'll take the green coffee pills. I may or may not take the second dose of my regular diet pill in the afternoon. It depends on how focused I am, and how jittery I want to feel.

4. I finally talked to my brother today around 4 o'clock. I was making tea in the kitchen and he was heating up a frozen dinner. It was nice because it felt like we just got home from school or something. I really do miss being little. Being an adult is so pointless and boring and ugh, I hate it.

Thanks everyone for your support, it made me feel less alone and it was very much appreciated. ♥♥♥

Mint.

1-2-3-4

1. My brother is still in the hospital.

He was planning on leaving this afternoon, but because a psychologist hasn't spoken to him yet, he's not allowed to leave.

LOL

That's so funny to me. Yes big brother, this is what happens when you admit yourself to a hospital saying that you're suicidal! They proceed with caution!

2. Last night I ate a piece of bread because I was feeling really dizzy while just sitting down. Today, I got in shit for it because it was the LAST piece and I didn't say that we needed more, and I didn't make more when I should've, and there apparently was WAY more than one piece left and I ate all of them.

Blah, blah, blah.

So my mom doesn't notice when I don't eat, but when I do eat, it's a big deal apparently. I'm greedy, greedy, greedy, and selfish, selfish, selfish.

I ate today too. A bunch of couscous salad. Fuck. I ate too much obviously, and now I'm going to balloon. I know it. I feel it. It's happening RIGHT NOW. As I type, I'm swelling, and growing, bigger and bigger. I am now a lead balloon.

3. Today also, my mom said that she found my blog.

I fucking freaked. "What blog?"

Turns out she was referring to a website I made a few years ago, when I was trying to sell things to make money to go to Japan. Big sigh of relief.

4. I noticed today that I have a really distorted view on my... efforts I guess you could say and I realized that my perfectionist qualities have become really strong.

Usually I call myself an imperfect perfectionist. Because I try really really hard to make things perfect but then give up after awhile and say, "good enough". But lately, that's not an option.

With my new job as a cake decorator (did I mention my job change? I can't remember), it's really prominent because the top and sides have to be perfectly smooth, the corners perfectly square, the piping perfectly even. And I'm meeting my expectations. Each cake, perfect. It's a beautiful thing.

Same with my school lately too. I need to get each question right, I need to.

But, are those efforts good enough? No. I'm too slow, I need to go faster, I need to work harder. I need to stop sleeping in and being a minute late. I need to be better, and better, I crave it. Until I get better, I feel worthless at everything I do. I'm a failure.

Apparently not though. Because I guess I'm working so fast, and so well with my cakes, they've cut my training in half. And the lady training me is giving me all these websites with tutorials so I can learn advanced piping skills because apparently I am "incredibly talented".

I spoke French for like the first time ever today, and apparently I'm really, really good.

Yet my mind won't accept any of this. Nothing's good enough, everything can be better. All scores round to zero.

I don't know, it's just weird when I realize things about my self.

Sometimes I even avoid certain tasks because I know that I set my standards too high, and I'll never finish, because I just won't be good enough. Sweeping is a good example of this. When I worked in the deli I'd allow another worker to do the sweeping (crapily), just so that I'd have time to do everything else. Because what if I missed a speck? Was that a speck there? I'm sure it was. Sweep, sweep, sweepsweepsweep.

It's really annoying actually. Having OCD would be a bitch.

5. Sorry these posts have been so long and rambley and unorganized. Numbering each topic is my way of trying to declutter. So far, I like it.

♥,

Mint.

Don't judge me.

Okay, so today my brother admitted himself to the hospital.

T__T

He was supposed to go to the doctor to ask for a note saying that he was allowed to miss work for counseling.

Instead, the doctor was asking him the routine questions: Are you feeling stressed? Yes. Are you feeling depressed? Yes. Do you feel suicidal?

And because my brother is more dramatic than a 13-year-old girl who has just been dumped by her first ever boyfriend, he said yes.

So that he can get a pat on the head, a band-aid over his non-existent booboo, and a reason to avoid work.

My mom is furious because she wants him to deal with his shit. You know, face reality, pay his bills, maybe get up off his ass and wash his own goddamn dishes.

My dad is annoyed because, "You know, I'm stressed too. I don't understand why he would pull this shit when I'm this stressed." my dad has no reason to be stressed. The company my brother works for bought the company my dad works for and he just doesn't like change.

And me?

I'm pissed right the fuck off. One does not say that they are suicidal as a way to avoid work. That's disrespectful, that's lazy, that's disgustingly aragent.

I know that my brother isn't suicidal, so please don't think I'm being a bitch.

There has been no change in his behavior since, ever. He's been hanging out with friends (like always), watching tv shows and laughing his ass off, he showers, he eats, he's fine.

I know he doesn't cut or scratch or burn or punch because he walks around in his boxers a lot (unfortunately), and I've never heard him say one negative thing about himself, ever.

He does not feel like a burden in our household (obviously since he has mess everywhere, never cleans up, never says thank you, and is always canceling the recordings on our shows to record his shows) and he feels no guilt.

It pisses me off because he has no idea, how much self-hate it takes to hurt yourself. Or needing to cut yourself to get rid of at least some of the numbness, even if it's just for a little while. He has absolutely no idea what it's like to feel guilty for being alive, guilty for taking up space, breathing.He doesn't know what it's like to need death so badly, that waiting is no longer an option.

So I'm sorry, to anyone who has ever had suicide as an option, on behalf of my pathetic brother. He really should show some more respect in my eyes.

In other news, I almost binged today but when I heard about my brother, I decided that I really don't deserve any food. My heart wants it, my head, does not.

I'm losing about a pound a day from soup fasting, and that makes me happy. But I'm not losing it quick enough, why did I allow myself to get this fat?

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

P.s yay 30 followers!! c:

Prissy, fat, worthless, greedy, selfish, rude, fat fat fat fat whale.

I'm posting again because this just happened.

I was in the living room, typing up my rant, when my brother walks into the kitchen and tries to make a cup of tea using the keurig.

He's not doing it right, and he's swearing and cursing.

I get up to try to help him.

He continues saying it's not him, it's the machine, because he has the exact same machine at home and it doesn't do this.

I open the machine and say it's because he put the basket in wrong.

He slams it closed and says, "Well how the fuck am I supposed to know that?"

I slammed it open and told him to look at the arrows.

He said, "I don't know how to do that because I just use the fucking cups that were made for the fucking machine."

I said that you use the basket for the cups.

He said that he "doesn't take the damn basket out, because he uses the machine for what it's used for". He continues on asking, why we're so weird and use the attachment to brew different coffee, and why don't we use the cups, that's why any normal person would buy the fucking machine.

And I said, "Because the cups are fucking expensive and we have no money because we've been dealing with YOU fucking lazing around doing nothing and sleeping on our couch for a month!"

He gets all mad and storms off downstairs while shouting, "FINE! I DON'T WANT WANT TO BE BOTHERING YOU GUYS BY SLEEPING ON A COUCH. I'LL GO LOOK FOR HELP SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

He left.

My mom yelled at me for being rude. Said I'll be a terrible psychologist. Said I should stop acting like a perfect princess.

So I put the clean dishes away, put the dirty ones in the dishwasher, washed his dirty pans by hand, made his tea, made my mom tea, cried for about three seconds and am empty again. Numb.

He came back of course. My mom phoned him and apologized on my "bad behavior". They're watching tv together, drinking the tea I made.

I'm going to go cut.

Selfish rant of a selfish girl.

Let me rant here for a bit:


My brother (as some of you may know from reading older posts), has been living with my mom and I since October the 8th because he got fucked up on drugs again, got wasted as hell, head-butted his now ex-fiancé and apparently said he was going to commit suicide all in the same night. His current location is in my tv room because his ex-fiancé got a restraining order against him and is currently living in their trailer. She's planning on moving out very soon.

Now, my brother is 24. Five years older than I, and he has always gotten all the attention, all the sympathy, all the money, all the care, all the second chances, all the everything.

It's always about him.

When we were a family, dinner would consist of my mom yelling at him for not trying in school. Weekends would consist of going to his hockey games and my dad talking about how he's going to, "go far". Later on in his high school career, he decided he wanted to be a rock star. My dad immediately bought him a brand new electric guitar and was really excited because he's going to, "go far". He used his guitar for about two weeks. From the age of 5-13 all I wanted to do was sing and act. And nothing. No help, no interest, nothing.

Sometimes though, my brother can be evil. He has made my mom's eyes pop out with anger, I swear I've seen her spit with rage, chasing him through the kitchen; fists almost pounding through the door my brother and I were behind (he knew it would make her insane). Sometimes when I'd be trying to sleep him and my father would be fist-fighting about something outside my door. That's when my mom and I would leave. That's when my dad left us, and took my brother with him; my father loves my brother. He doesn't love me. I was ten back then.

My brother has forged my mother's signature on the cheques he stole from her, leaving her and I unable to pay the bills. He was seventeen. And yet my mom, and my dad have always given him money, 20 dollars here, 50 dollars there, you know. I've never received a penny from my father, never felt deserving enough to ask money from my mother. If I did/do receive money from either, it's expected to be paid back, and of course, I pay it back. When my brother is expected to pay it back, he, of course, doesn't.

My brother also likes to party. He likes having fun, and not being bored. When he's bored he drinks, if he's still bored, he does drugs. He has no mental illness, he's just bored with a lot of money and time.

My mom knows this, but because she loves him, she wants to help my poor, poor brother. When he first moved in she talked to him about maybe seeing a psychologist, he agreed, but when my mom did the research and got an appointment for him, he was too busy hanging out with friends.

But tomorrow, my brother's going to a counselor because he found out that he can miss a whole day of work but still get paid because, union.

My dad phones the house quite often to "make sure he's doing okay", when my brother gets off the phone (if he's actually at home and not with friends) he bitches about how annoying it is to have to talk to him.

My mom, has been giving my brother lots of money because instaloans keeps taking his money from his bank account because they're fed up. My brother spends his money on gas and booze when he goes to the bar with his friends. So, she gives him more money. More and more and more.

And then there's me. Running around cleaning the floors because there's huge paw prints and wads of fur everywhere from my brother's GIANT dog, cleaning the kitchen multiple times a day because apparently my brother can't clean up after himself, and stealing food from the deli and making bread everyday all so that my mom can be less stressed. Today she told me that I should try doing something around the house for a change.

Excuse me? I don't understand why no one notices me. I really don't.

I'm taking five courses per semester by correspondents; working a part time job to save for food, housing, schooling, and my car; and now since the 8th, I've been the housewife of this household too.

Why does no one realize that I'm busting at the seams? Why does no one realize that the only thing I've been taking from the fridge is soup? Why does no one realize that my fake smile has disappeared?

I just don't get it. Why continually catch someone who has used you, spat on you, stolen from you, crushed you, destroyed you, for 25 years? Why?

Whenever I go out in public lately, I can't look anyone in the eye, I'm anxious and feel like I'm taking up the whole room, and I'm greedy for taking up the whole room. I constantly want to slice open my stomach and rip everything out. I want to hack at my arm until there's nothing left.

I'm in deep, and no one even cares enough to peak down the hole I've tumbled into.

Earlier today I was sitting lifeless on the stool in the kitchen, waiting for my mom to heat up her meal.

"You've been looking prettier lately." she says, glancing over.
"You always say I look pretty when I'm incredibly depressed. Remember when I was about to move out for uni last year?" I replied without thinking.
She laughs, "Yeah, I remember that! Wait," she looks at me, her mind catching up with the conversation, "you're depressed?"

When am I not depressed? When am I not talking to her, telling her about how I hate people, how I hate life, how life is pointless? Does she block that all out? Does she listen at all?

My poor poor brother wants to ask his counselor about his dreams. Last night he woke up at 2 in the morning, screaming. He hoped that he didn't wake up mom and I.

He didn't, because I wasn't sleeping. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was feeling emptier than ever, because I was imagining slicing my stomach open, hacking my arm off. I was wanting to sleep forever because I didn't want to face today. I didn't want to have to be a person and parade my fat self at work.

He also didn't wake me up because he didn't scream. His room is right below mine, and he didn't scream. Poor, poor brother.

I did not eat the bread.

So this morning, I weighed myself.

I'm not saying the number because it's too high, but I am pleased to say that it's not near my highest :)

My head messes with me so much, it's good to have my scale back to avoid insanity.

I woke up to about two feet of snow and spent two hours shoveling the driveway. I've never had any upper body strength so it was brutal. But worth it, because I worked out without having to force myself.

Also, even though today was supposed to be a "negative-calorie food only day", I changed it to a soup day because there's literally no vegetables in the fridge/anywhere (my mom and I are going grocery shopping on Thursday so I'll get everything I need then).

Today, for the most part, was good. I worked out, I ate soup, I didn't cheat...

BUT, it sucked for many reasons:

1. I'm fat.
2. Shoveling the drive took all the energy out of me and I accomplished nothing else (another day behind in school).
3. It feels like I've been fasting for a month when I actually had soup, anddddd it's been like only a day. I just recently fasted for about two weeks straight without ever feeling hungry. What the actual fuck?
4. I was so pissed by the end of the day, I wanted to cut so bad. I wanted to hack my arm to shreds. But everyone was around... I almost did it without thinking while I cut the loaf of bread I made for everyone, but then there'd be blood on the knife... then blood on the bread... the bread... it smelt so good...

Fuck me. I'm weak.

Weak fat fuck.

Tomorrow is my zero-calorie fast for the week. Hopefully I feel happier by the end of it. Hopefully I lose some of this weight.

5 pound intervals, that's all, simple.

- Mint.

Tomorrow's the day...

I'm sick of it. Totally and disgustingly sick of it.

Tomorrow I'm weighing myself. I need to set weekly goals; and to make that happen I need to know "the number".

I'm so scared... Especially because I binged on bread again tonight.

Whatever the number, I'll be okay with it. Because no matter what, it's going to go down, not up.

I know that I'll be too embarrassed to say what my weight is on here, so I guess I'll just stick with my old ana-notebook and let you guys know how I'm doing with my goals until I'm at a more acceptable weight.

My main goal for now is to lose at least five pounds a week (I'm really fat right now...) by eating at most, 200 calories a day (allowing binges to only consist of 300 calories extra, so a total binge day would be 500 calories max). Here's how I'm going to do it:

• Sunday (raise my metabolism day): drink coffee/water/green tea. An apple with cinnamon for both lunch and dinner. A pickled jalapeño for lunch.
• Monday: drink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. At most, two bowls of vegetable soup.
• Tuesday (negative calorie day): drink herbal tea/green tea/water/diet pop. Eat for lunch and supper a mix of any of the following: lettuce, onion, pickles, cucumber, red wine vinegar, mustard, herbs.
• Wednesday (zero calorie fast): drink water/herbal tea/green tea/diet pop.
• Thursday: drink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. A bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, steamed veggies or salad for dinner.
• Friday: drink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. At most, two bowls of vegetable soup.
• Saturday: drink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. At most, two bowls of vegetable soup.

I want to work out everyday too, but that'll all depend on how strong I'm feeling.

Hopefully this works! I'm already two days behind for this week so I need to lose five pounds in four sleeps! I've got this, I've got this, I've got this...

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

thyme. (2.0!)

Hey there~!

I want to make my blog more interesting so I'm just going to try to be more involved in my own blog, in other peoples' blogs, andddddd yeah. That's it I guess (let's see how long this lasts).

To start things off, above is a frame from one of my favourite movies, Breakfast at Tiffany's, staring my favourite actress, idol, thinsporation, person, Audrey Hepburn. Click the image to go to my tumblr post explaining why I like her/the character/the movie so much.

Today was meh, but at the same time, it was alright.

Food wasn't the best (I ate, again), exercise wasn't the best (had to take a break halfway through, again), and my productivity level for school sucked too.

BUT, it was good because I just sat by the fire all day with my ipad, following new blogs on tumblr, and rediscovering the fashion world, while drinking coffee and water (after being bad and eating this morning). I feel different, and happy (even excited) about this upcoming week, and these upcoming months.

I've decided that I'm going to do so good. And by Christmas I'll be so thin. And everyone will be so jealous.

I will achieve my goals. 2012 will not be a failure.

Today I was also thinking about my childhood. I don't remember most of it because I don't want to, but the bad memories still stick out, the best memories can be found if I look hard enough, and random memories pop up every so often.

Today I remembered that my first diet was the cabbage soup diet when I was four or five. I didn't like the soup, so I just had fruit. My mom and dad were doing it and I wanted to be involved. I liked it because it was fun knowing exactly what I would eat/when I would eat/and how much I would eat, ahead of schedule. I also liked it because it would mean my "fat legs" would be thin like everyone else's (I've never been actually "overweight" before in my life).

The first time that I remember actually working out because I was "fat" was when I was six or seven. I remember putting my hair in a pony tail, putting on an outfit that I decided was only for working out, and going downstairs to our treadmill. I decided that I'd work out for an hour a day, and because I was walking, my legs would be thin like everyone else's.

I've always been controlling with food apparently, because I remember sitting for hours at the dinner table alone, not being able to leave until I finished eating the meal I refused to touch. I'd sit there until it seemed safe enough to leave, then I'd go to bed. Or sometimes I'd gross myself out so much by the food that I'd throw up what I did eat, onto the food that I hadn't eaten. I was always so happy when I threw up (why can't I purge?). 

I remember skipping breakfast almost all of my life because it'd make me feel sick, and because my mom doesn't eat breakfast. I remember not eating anything for lunch except a granola bar because other lunch foods were gross, and because mom barely ate lunch.

I remember that when I did eat the granola bar I'd feel so fat. I'd look so fat. So, for the rest of the day I'd suck my stomach in as tightly as I could, trying to undo my mistake.

I even remember that for awhile there when I was probably 8, I'd do 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups on my bed before falling asleep.

And lastly, I remember always comparing bodies in gym class. Mostly legs because mine were/are/will always be fat. We'd all sit in a circle and I'd go around, looking at how thin everyone's legs looked in their shorts (I always hid my fat tree trunks under sweats). I'd even look at the bigger girls in class and decide that they were/are/will always be thinner than me. Everyone was perfect, everyone was normal, everyone was thin, except me.

So if I've been fucked up since I can remember, why the fuck haven't I ever been under weight? Why the fuck do I keep messing up? Why the fuck do I get so close to a goal and then take it away? Whyyyy?

I'm so frustrating...

Lovely: Thanks so much for relating to me with basically everything I said in my last post! Sometimes I feel crazy and as if everything I think I know is completely fucked up (my suicide idea) or not true at all (me thinking that psychology articles don't paint an accurate picture. I always think, maybe I feel like I can't relate to this article because I actually don't. You know?). So yeah, thanks! And have fun in London! ^.^

My Starshine: We sooo have the same brains! I'm slowly taking the goodies she gave me and am throwing them in the bin. I'm not tempted at all because being vegan is different than just restricting! So yay brain for sticking to my morals! And when I explained my suicide idea, I meant that I would die from hypothermia (I'm from Canada, remember!? :p ), not by over-dosing on sleeping pills. The sleeping pills were just to allow my mind to escape this world before my soul.
I la-la-love you! And thank you for always being there for me. ♥

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Why do I insist on sabotaging myself?

Since the last post I've been good, bad; happy and sad.

I've binged more than fasted, but I looked into the mirror today and saw that there's more space between my thighs than before (not a thigh gap, but the makings of one) which is good. I felt so relieved. I guess exercise really does keep weight off.

Also, when I was returning my uniform to the front desk at the grocery store I got a job offer to be the cake decorator in the bakery! So that was really good. And I'm still excited about it.

My mom came back home on Thursday and she brought me a lot of treats and goodies, including French pastries. I couldn't eat any of them because I'm vegan, obviously. BUT, because my mom doesn't know I'm vegan I had to be a bitch and say I didn't want them.

I wish she'd just let me be a vegan. Christmas is going to be so hard...

I cut yesterday because I was feeling pathetic, and like a disappointment, and because I'm fat and have no control. I cut deeper than usual without even meaning to... I know it's bad but it doesn't feel bad. The deeper I go, the calmer I feel.

Today I fasted most of the day and then binged near the end of it. Not as badly as the other few days though so that's good... I guess. I cleaned the house today also, and tried to work out... only got halfway done, but I'll finish it in a little while.

The last couple of days I've been thinking about suicide. As a whole, not me committing suicide. Just suicide in general.

I read articles on suicide prevention, different kinds of suicide, which are preferred methods, the after effects of failed suicide, and things like that. After researching I have only two thoughts:

1. I hate reading articles that are from the point of view of a scientist or just someone who's read the definition of suicide. They don't know what it's like. They just explain what it is: "Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which can be attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse.^[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal relationships often play a significant role." (wikipedia obviously). I don't know. Whenever I read things about self-harm, or eating disorders, or things that I relate to, I feel like the author is missing the point. They're not digging deep enough, they don't understand what's going on in our minds, they don't know what it's like to feel such power, powerlessness, anger, hatred, sadness, numbness, emptiness... They don't know what it's like, and I don't think they should write about it if they have no clue what they're talking about.
   
2. I've also decided how I'll commit suicide if I ever go down that path. THIS is a link to a post on tumblr, explaining it in a nicer form of writing, but in short, I'll take some sleeping pills and go outside on a cold winter's night. In the tumblr post I wrote that this way would be "less passionate". I feel that if I were to commit suicide because of anger, or frustration, I still have life in me. I only want to die when I'm completely empty, completely numb. I want to slip away from life, not take it.

Anyway, that's basically what's been happening. Tomorrow will be better, it has to.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Binged.

I binged last night on all the wrong things. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want it, but I ate it all anyways. I still felt nothing.

Yes, I did feel sick to my stomach; yes, I felt dehydrated as fuck; but no, I didn't feel guilty, angry, happy, disappointed...

because I'm not here.

I wanted to workout right after to try to erase my mistake but I was so full I could hardly move. So today, I've been fasting like a good little girl should, and working out even though my knee is killing me.

So far I've only burnt 300 calories but I'll burn a bunch more tonight, don't you worry.

And, I've started taking my diet pills again. I'm always off and on with them because my heart gets jittery and I get scared, but then after awhile I start again, hoping things will be different.

Today's much better than yesterday, I must admit. Hope everyone else is doing well today too! ♪

♥,

Mint.

I'm just tired all the time.

Yesterday I slept most of the day, so fasting was easy.

Today I ate the last half of a sweet potato that's been in the fridge for awhile.

Tomorrow I will fast again.

I'm going to fast until I've finished all my soup (about 3 days) and then roast the spaghetti squash my mom got me, and eat that for a few days. Then make another batch of soup and continue shrinking.

I haven't been able to work out for the last few days because I've messed up my knee and it hurts like a bitch.

My last day of work is Tuesday,
(I legit quit this time because I found out that everyone else got hired at a higher pay than me even though they all suck and are super slow and disrespectful to our boss. I asked for a raise, and nothing. I gave my two weeks notice saying that if I received my raise, then I'd withdraw my notice, and guess what? Nothing.)
so that means that I need to start looking for a job again T_T

I didn't do any school today because I still feel as if I'm not really here.

Also I realized that I officially don't have any friends. And I'm okay with that.

I've realized that I just can't connect to people. I don't understand their pain, their joy, their anger. Whenever I'm forced out of my house, I always paste my fake smile on. But lately, I just don't care anymore. Lately, I can find the point in lying.

Anyway, I hope I'm losing weight... it doesn't feel like I'm losing anything anymore. I just feel fat.

Hopefully it gets better.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Walking in a fog.

So I have no idea where the last couple of days have gone.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't really know when happened to the last week...

I know I've been working out, I know I've been living off liquids, and I know that I've been doing well in school. But, I have no idea what's been going on in my head.

It's quiet up there.

Today I got really dizzy while sitting down. Little black dots everywhere.

So I ate.

I had a lot of saltines, but I'm still exhausted, and now just super full. I still stuck to my under 500 calorie limit though, so that's good.

I'm trying to listen to my body to avoid real binges (hence the crackers- carb craving).

Also, I'm trying not to pay attention to the days so that I don't make myself believe that I deserve a break.

I'm doing well so far, I think.

My mom keeps bugging me about all the food I'm apparently eating. But I'm not eating it, she must secretly think that I'm a greedy pig.

Anyway, Nina,

I'm going to weigh myself when I can easily fit into my old pants again. They fit right now, but not perfectly. I decided to weigh myself then because I will know that I'm just regular fat, not obese fat. You know? Also, when I weigh myself, I become dangerously addicted to it (weigh myself like every half hour when I'm home) so I want to be more okay with the number not going down when I decide to weigh myself frequently throughout the day again.
And YES I'm dizzy so often! A glass of orange juice here and there is helpful for me though! Plusss I read on tumblr that when you start feeling dizzy from fasting, you're burning fat. So I'm super okay with it.
Lately, I've been at about 300 calories a day (probably less). I've been having mostly tea (peppermint) and then a bowl of soup for dinner, maybe a glass of juice if it's there. So maybe more like 200? I don't know. 300 is probably safer to say lol plus it keeps me more humble. How are you??

I'm going to go to sleep now... absolutely no food allowed tomorrow.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Run, run, run, away, from the pain.

Sorry,

I feel selfish for writing that last post. I'm so selfish and greedy... sorry.

I've actually been doing really well with food and exercise lately. I'm learning how to run with this chart I found on tumblr and it's just enough exercise that doesn't burn me out too bad, and I don't even need to eat to be able to do it (usually when I start fasting and extreme restricting I'm too tired to do anything).

For food I've been living off of liquids mostly. Tea, juice slushies which are like 100 calories at most (probably less, I don't add much juice, mostly ice), water of course, and soups if I'm home at dinner time.

Sometimes if I'm craving actual food I steam some veggies, or make a salad.

That being said, my weight is dropping fast. I haven't weighed myself because I'm still too scared, but my work clothes are swimming on me and coworkers are noticing. It's odd because no one has ever commented on my weight really. Just my mom, but that's it.

Last night I had a dream that my mom saw my legs, and then I woke up. It was terrifying to say the least.

It's funny because I say that I want people to realize what I'm doing to myself and that I want them to reach out to me, but I know that if someone did, I would be devastated, embarrassed, and I would definitely push them away.

Starshine, I'm almost done the little package I'm sending you! Sorry it has taken me so long!

I don't have much more to say really, I'm getting my schoolwork done, I'm gap is coming back, my stomach is shrinking, and my bones are reaching the light I little more each day.

it's lovely.

I hope everyone is doing well and reaching their goals~! ♪

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Je ne vais jamais manger.

Thanksgiving was good for the most part.

First three days I was good, last two I ate a lot of liquorice.

What made me start eating, you may ask? That Saturday, my brother was missing for at least twenty-four hours.

Stress like that makes me eat, which results in me feeling guilty, and selfish, and worthless, which results in cuts.

He's twenty-four and goes on "walkabouts"quite often. But not usually on the day before work.

He finally contacted his fiancé in the middle of the night, and he was messed up on drugs and alcohol again. He drove an hour to get home (not sober) and passed out.

He woke about an hour later, feeling really agitated. He apparently was saying he was going to kill himself and was reaching for the knives. She was stopping him which made him mad, so he said he was going to leave, and then kill himself. So she stood in front of the door, he pushed her aside and left.

His fiancé of course was texting my mom and dad throughout this, and told my mom she wanted her to call the police.

A bunch of racing around happened and he eventually got caught by the police, trying to break back into his own home.

He was put into the drunk tank until he sobered and then came out single, with a restraining order, homeless, and a court date in November.

I had never seen my brother cry before, it was heart-breaking.

But now, a little over a week later, he's fine. Going out with his friends, leaving his gigantic dog at our house with no food, while he leaves his dishes everywhere, clothes everywhere, and eats everything.

He doesn't feel bad anymore. He was never going to commit suicide (he's said many times before that he's 'going to commit suicide', but trust me, he's not that kind of person and he's never ever hurt himself). He drinks and does drugs because he's bored, and likes to party. And he's just abusing my mom and I by walking all over us pretty much.

When he was eighteen he forged my mom's cheques, took all of our money (we were literally in the hole), and he just spent it all summer partying.

This week, we had to pay his rent on the trailer he shared with his fiancé (because he spent all of his money and his fiancé didn't know that the cheque would bounce) and now we're in the hole again. And he left his dog without food for two days because he spent his money on smokes and gas (my mom and I broke down and bought the dog food last night).

My dad is focussed on getting my brother a good lawyer because he thinks that my brother didn't do anything wrong, even though he hit the girl, and tricked his own mother and the police when he told them where he was.

My mom is focussed on getting my brother a psychiatrist. She says he has a criminal mind, and needs help.

He's sick, he needs help.

His mind is corrupt, and it's a shame. We need to help him. We need to help the boy who doesn't care about anyone.

We need to help him.

If we help him, he'll accept us. He'll love us.

"He needs help", she says.

But the girl who no longer eats does not require anything. The girl who has morphed into a disappearing tiger does not need a hug. The girl who's afraid to eat a tomato and a bowl of soup is fine.

The girl who sits listening to the voices in her head is doing good. She's fine. She sees no future, no hope, she sees darkness and pointless, but she's just poetic, you know?

She's good to have around because if you're feeling bad, she'll try to make you feel better. She's good to have around because you can yell at her for doing nothing right. She's good to have because when everyone leaves you, you can leave her and say, "Ha."

She's good, she's fine, she's awesome.

I feel like I'm ten again. Dad and my brother fighting in the hallway when I'm trying to sleep. Or mom and my brother running around the kitchen, her trying to catch him, fire in her eyes; laughter in his. Or my brother pulling me into my parents' bedroom to hide because she was furious at him again and he knew that if he hid me, she'd be even madder.

I just sit here. Trying to not think about the present, trying to escape reality. Trying not to make a sound, trying not to be a bother, but being there if anyone needs me.

I'm fine, thanks. I'm just not hungry.

Food makes me feel guilty.

- Mint.

Great Start.

Hey~!

I had 3 half-rotton apples left so I decided to make an apple loaf because we have family coming over tonight.

I caved and ate 3 pieces and then had a smoothie after working out (about 800 calories total).

What a great start.

I was supposed to fast today, and now I can't fast until Tuesday when everyone leaves. So pissed.

I ended up working out again to try to erase my mistake, so I burnt a total of about 600 calories.

Which means I have room to eat a light meal with the fam jam if I'm following my 500 calorie rule.

I'll try to have just a salad with balsamic and a lot of lettuce. That's a good plan.

OH! And I forgot about yesterday, it was good actually, I had about 350 calories :) good, good.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Squash is amazing.

Sooo, I discovered spaghetti squash yesterday!

30 calories per cup of spaghetti squash, which is basically noodles in disguise. It's amazing. And odd, and I love it.

I think that reading Perks just made me super emotional. It felt like everything was crumbling. Charlie did nothing wrong, yet he still got shit on. He tried to look past everything but it caught up with him anyway. People left, and memories returned.

If someone as amazing as Charlie can have all this shit happen to him, what's the hope for the rest of us?

I suppose that's a very negative way of thinking, but it's true. The world is a terrible place, and we can't do anything to fix it except by accepting it, and trying to see the sunshine.

So, since I'm a student in psychology and want to help people like Charlie, myself, and of course people in this community, I thought about what I would try to do to help.

But then I realized that getting people with mental problems (eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders etc.) to simply think of their world in a more positive way, isn't the way to go. We are the ones who are trapped in a box of shadows and demons, and by just looking at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact with them, isn't going to help at all.

What we all need to do, is escape. We need to change our entire lives to achieve any happiness.

Just thinking about it is scary, and it feels pointless, and stupid, and hard to do; I also know that the demons will always being chasing. But at the same time, I know that it should be done and that we shouldn't let them win the battle.

And here's the question I came up with to start everyone's journey, "What will make you happy?"

Maybe becoming a baker, or moving to France, or even just buying a dog, or mending things with your mother. Whatever it is, why don't you just do it? Anything's possible, and it's only ourselves who make it impossible.

I don't know if I'm ready to escape yet, but I think I'm going to think about it a bit more.

And if anyone out there is ready, and needs some support, you know my e-mail (tic.tok.thyme@hotmail.com)! Or, if you just need someone to talk to about anything, I'll be there for you too!

So let me know, "what will make you happy?" and why not just go for it?

Love you all ♥♥,

Mint.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I got a lovely letter from Starshine on Friday along with the heart-shaped measuring tape necklace that she also has. I like it. It makes me feel connected. She has one, I have one. It's like a best friend bracelet but different. I don't know... but I appreciate it, a lot.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter. I was excited, I was happy. "Amanda wrote to me!" I thought while running my eyes across the words, "And now, I'm reading it! I'm reading her hand-written words! To me!"

I don't know why I was so excited, but I was. Everything in the envelope made my day.

Then, about 20 minutes later, I found myself in my room; scissors in hand, cuts on thigh.

I cut a lot. Not very deep though, just enough to bleed.

I felt numb. I needed to feel something.

Cut. Nothing. Cut, cut. Nothing. Cut, cut, cut. Nothing. Cuuuuuuuuuut. Nothing.

I decided to try to sleep, and woke up, still numb. The only difference was that I was much more exhausted when I woke up than when I went to sleep. How does that even make sense?

I fasted all of Saturday, but right after the 24-hour mark I binged on half a loaf of bread, then threw the rest out.

That's when I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I saw the trailer on t.v and noticed that Emma Watson was in it. I love her. But I think everyone in my generation loves her because of Harry Potter.

I also started reading the book because tumblr loves it; and if tumblr loves it, it has to be good.

I only read a few pages that night, but I was already in love. It was beautifully sad, and I loved the writing style.

The next morning I woke up happy because I was reading a book (I barely ever read books), my dad was taking me out for lunch (we're still mending our relationship from last year. It's getting better, but I still want to cry every time I see him), and also because my mom was finally coming home (I love her so much).

The day was good, I was happy. I ate, I ate, I ate. My mom, did not.

When she wants to lose weight all she talks about is how fat she is, and how I shouldn't be so focussed on food all the time ("Really Mint, it's just food."), and how she doesn't want any calories, not even in her tea ("Zero calories is better than 5").

It makes me mad. I want to slap her. I want her to be healthy, and eat, and worry about me not eating, rather than being a non-eating role model. So when she doesn't eat, I do.

I made an apple loaf and ate half of it while reading my book, during such time my mom ran on the treadmill downstairs.

I don't remember what part I was at in my book, but I started getting insanely depressed, and my heart started panicking, and my head felt dizzy. I decided I couldn't read anymore. It was too sad. But then I decided that I had to finish at least the letter I was on.

I read another sentence, and gave up. I got some water, sat down on the floor and tried to breathe.

My heart was jumping, my head was dizzy, and it felt like I had a stick attached to my back, holding me upright, not allowing me to take deep breaths.

I hate anxiety. And I hate how it just comes out of no where.

The rest of the night sucked, and I couldn't sleep because I kept jumping.

I woke up this morning feeling depressed, lost, and without purpose. I decided to binge while I read the last half of the book.

And I finished it and now I'm here. More depressed, more lost, and without even more purpose if possible.

It really was a beautiful book, and the movie won't do it justice at all, but I feel so alone now. It feels like Charlie is real, and I want to help him. I want to ask him questions and erase all the negativity from his life, because he doesn't deserve it.

Which makes me think of Starshine. She doesn't deserve the ghosts that haunt her, the pain in her heart. She deserves none of it, and it make's me mad.

I hate the world for all of it's darkness.

And I hate the world for placing me in it without it having my permission to do so.

I don't want to be here, or there. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to learn, to work, to experience.

What's the point?

I have no goals or aspirations. There is no point. I'm just here, and I need not to be.

I wish someone would just pull the plug...

Quick and painless.

xxx