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1. My brother is still in the hospital.

He was planning on leaving this afternoon, but because a psychologist hasn't spoken to him yet, he's not allowed to leave.

LOL

That's so funny to me. Yes big brother, this is what happens when you admit yourself to a hospital saying that you're suicidal! They proceed with caution!

2. Last night I ate a piece of bread because I was feeling really dizzy while just sitting down. Today, I got in shit for it because it was the LAST piece and I didn't say that we needed more, and I didn't make more when I should've, and there apparently was WAY more than one piece left and I ate all of them.

Blah, blah, blah.

So my mom doesn't notice when I don't eat, but when I do eat, it's a big deal apparently. I'm greedy, greedy, greedy, and selfish, selfish, selfish.

I ate today too. A bunch of couscous salad. Fuck. I ate too much obviously, and now I'm going to balloon. I know it. I feel it. It's happening RIGHT NOW. As I type, I'm swelling, and growing, bigger and bigger. I am now a lead balloon.

3. Today also, my mom said that she found my blog.

I fucking freaked. "What blog?"

Turns out she was referring to a website I made a few years ago, when I was trying to sell things to make money to go to Japan. Big sigh of relief.

4. I noticed today that I have a really distorted view on my... efforts I guess you could say and I realized that my perfectionist qualities have become really strong.

Usually I call myself an imperfect perfectionist. Because I try really really hard to make things perfect but then give up after awhile and say, "good enough". But lately, that's not an option.

With my new job as a cake decorator (did I mention my job change? I can't remember), it's really prominent because the top and sides have to be perfectly smooth, the corners perfectly square, the piping perfectly even. And I'm meeting my expectations. Each cake, perfect. It's a beautiful thing.

Same with my school lately too. I need to get each question right, I need to.

But, are those efforts good enough? No. I'm too slow, I need to go faster, I need to work harder. I need to stop sleeping in and being a minute late. I need to be better, and better, I crave it. Until I get better, I feel worthless at everything I do. I'm a failure.

Apparently not though. Because I guess I'm working so fast, and so well with my cakes, they've cut my training in half. And the lady training me is giving me all these websites with tutorials so I can learn advanced piping skills because apparently I am "incredibly talented".

I spoke French for like the first time ever today, and apparently I'm really, really good.

Yet my mind won't accept any of this. Nothing's good enough, everything can be better. All scores round to zero.

I don't know, it's just weird when I realize things about my self.

Sometimes I even avoid certain tasks because I know that I set my standards too high, and I'll never finish, because I just won't be good enough. Sweeping is a good example of this. When I worked in the deli I'd allow another worker to do the sweeping (crapily), just so that I'd have time to do everything else. Because what if I missed a speck? Was that a speck there? I'm sure it was. Sweep, sweep, sweepsweepsweep.

It's really annoying actually. Having OCD would be a bitch.

5. Sorry these posts have been so long and rambley and unorganized. Numbering each topic is my way of trying to declutter. So far, I like it.

♥,

Mint.