I outran it.

I almost cut the other night.

I was going to cut my most upper-left thigh, deep.

I could see me doing it. I could see the skin split open. The blood slowly pool, and eventually stream down my leg.

It was Thursday, my mom was supposed to be here still, but she left first thing in the morning, without going to the courses she paid for, because Wednesday night all we did was fight, and I made her cry.

Thursday I had class from 3:30-5. It would be the first time I've been to that class, and it took everything that I had to get dressed and do my readings. It took everything I had to walk down to my car, and drive to school.

I parked at the school and sat there for a minute. I didn't want to go. I don't know anyone in that class, I'm a late addition to that class. I don't want to talk in that class. I don't want to walk on campus. I don't want to walk up all the stairs to my class on the third floor. I don't want to be seen.

I want to be so invisible.

I was sitting in the car, trying to make myself go to class. But I couldn't. I just could, so I left.

"Cut, cut, cut" the old voice has awakened. "No," I thought, "I'll have a smoke to stop my stress."

So I had a smoke. But the voice didn't stop slithering through my mind, "Cut, cut, cut".

"I'll just make amends with Pumpkin on skype since we've been pissy at each other for too long"

So I did, and that went okay but still, I was haunted, "Cut, cut, cut".

So I watched Glee, and then Grey's Anatomy. And then I went to the frozen yogurt place with roomie. Watched old episodes of Breaking Bad with roomie. And then roomie went to sleep.

"Cut, cut, cutttt" the voice called out.

So I texted Jerk, asking if I could go over and study with him and so I did. J.R was there too studying at the kitchen table. Jerk was studying at the island in the kitchen, and I was studying on the couch in the living room.

It was actually really nice. Being with people without being with them. It was comfortable and just what I needed.

The voice was silenced, and I got away from the shadows.

Fuck, I have so much to blog, here goes:

1. I got out of that French course, and I'm taking a long distance English course about Shakespeare.
2. I can't go home for Thanksgiving or any other time really because I can only ever book like two days off. So I might have to quit at the end of November so that I can go home for Christmas. I'm talking to my boss about it on Wednesday.
3. There's this girl at work and I want to be her best friend LOL she's suuuuper fucking fashionable and looks like a model and let's call her Morgan. She's 19 and is saving up to move to Vancouver, to be a Fashion director for spreads or a stylist, she's not sure yet. BUT FUCK. THAT SOUNDS FUN. I WAN DEW DAT. I WAN GO WIT DAT BITCH. LEMME B DAT BITCH.

And lastly, part 3 of the fucking long ass post. Last night I think I accidentally had a movie date with Jerk. Which isn't fair because we've been friends for over two years, you can't just fucking switch things up like that. Like, what the fuck dude.

I went over to watch The Heat because it's apparently super funny. We watched it in his room because J.R wasn't there, and we didn't want him joining us later because he's weird and we both don't like him lol So we watched the movie in his bed and by the end of the movie he had moved closer so that he was sorta leaning on me. But I was like, whatever, no big deal, HE'S LIKE MY BROTHER.

But then after the movie we were just talking and chilling in his bed and he kept like, subtly trying to snuggle or something. Just weird shit, like he'd like touch my arm or grab my hand and be like, "Oh, what's your tattoo say again?" HE GODDAMN KNOWS WHAT MY TATTOO SAYS.

And he fucking touched my hair oh my goddddd.

Also, I was like lying on my stomach and had my feet up, and he like, pushed them down with his legs and then would flip them back up, SO IT WAS LIKE FOOTSIES. And sometimes he'd just push my feet down and just chill with his legs like over mine. LIKE THE FUCK IS THAT. I'd move over, and then BOOM, he'd move over too.

He wanted me to like sleep over and NO MAN, that's weirddddddd.

And like, we were laying facing each other talking, but then he was just getting too close, plus I wanted to close my eyes (it was like 3 in the morning by that time) so I turned my head the other way and he was like, "Oh my god, you can't even look at me right now." and I was like, "OH MY GOD, MY EYES ARE CLOSED DUDE."

What the fuck was all of that about? Like seriously. What the hell???

- Mint.

One year ago today.

Everything's becoming distorted again. Up is down and down is up. The thoughts are back, taking control. I feel it, the change.
Do you know what I mean?  The feeling of plummeting back into Wonderland? The feeling of an escape.
I can breathe now.
I feel good. Oh so terribly good.

Quoted from a post I made one year ago today basically.

I remember that day. I remember every day that I've written down.

I don't know if it's a gift or a curse really...

Sorry about back tracking all the time, but it's super interesting to see where I was.

Two years ago, I was still doing alright. I hadn't started cutting yet, and I was losing weight steadily. I was at about 136 pounds.

I've got to get back down there, but my weight is so fucking stable. I can eat everything, and I wake up the next morning weighing the same amount I would've weighed if I had fasted and vice versa.

My mom is coming for a visit tomorrow, and leaving Thursday night. So I'm thinking that I'll do a proper fast, starting Friday morning, ending Monday morning. Just to see what happens, to see if I can still do a proper fast.

I need to lose weight fast because I want to go out, and I want to look like a model, and be fashionable, and comfortable, and fucking hot.

I love working at the clothing store, and I love how they legit pick cute girls to work there. Because that means that I'm apparently cute. I also love wearing my heels because I feel hot. So I've made the decision that when I get paid, and have enough money to buy things again, I'm getting another pair of boots, probably knee high. Probably with a taller heel. I'm also going to buy countless fashion magazines.

This one girl at my work (she looks like a fucking model and I decided that we're going to be best friends) and I are going out on Thursday and I'm excitedddd! She's from here so she said she'd, "take me under her wing" LOL I love her.

ALSO, I made it through being a rush and now I got into being a pledge!! So basically I'm in the sorority. Like, the only way I can get kicked out now is if I don't get my volunteer hours in! It's cool to think that I'm basically in a sorority because anyone who doesn't know about the sorority, thinks about the stereotypes, and I love the stereotypes quite frankly. I've always wanted to be in a cool clique-like thing. Where others are outsiders, and you're superior. I wanted to be a plastic from Mean Girls. AND I STILL DO.

So if people think I'm cool because I'm in a sorority, IMMA FUCKING LET THEM THINK IT. BECAUSE THAT'S COOL AS FUCK, AM I RIGHT?

I think that's all I had to catch you up on really.

School sucks, but I love being busy, so so so sooooo much. I like racing here and racing there. It's fun!

- Mint.

Suicide is not an act of selfishness.

OKAY SO,

I dropped out of my French minor. Because French is stupid.

Except I didn't drop out of my 300-level grammar French class because I just love the teacher too much! Also, since I'm good at grammar, and I can understand him the most, I think it will be a smart decision, because I still want to know French one day!

So, since a BA requires upper-level courses from a discipline other than your major, I decided to go into English. I'm taking a children's literature course that goes into next semester (I get to read Anne of Green Gables, and Harry Potter, and A Series of Unfortunate Eventssss and I am soooooo excited! I wanted to take this course since first year!), and next semester I'm taking a poetry course that's taught by this prof who taught me about poetry in first year, so that'll be good! I'm also in an English course next semester that's all about dogs? LOL I HAVE NO IDEA.

There's this other course I really wanted to take next semester all about Oscar Wilde, but it's at the same time as my social psych course. So since it's in next semester, there's still time to switch things around but that's only if I can get into a different psych course! Fingers crosseddddd...

After work tonight, I went over to Jerk's house and we were supposed to study, but instead we just talked the whole time, and he took me out for ice cream, and I realized that he's actually fucking incredibly sweet as hell.

He knows that I cut, and about the ED, but he never really asked about it until tonight and he finally linked some things together from first year lol "SO THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T PLAY VOLLEYBALL FIRST YEAR, THE SHORTS!!"

It was awkward because I've never actually talked in person, like in depth about cutting before. But it was also really late (2:00 am then, and 4:00 am now) which means that personal things don't seem so personal.

He told me all about his family (which we've never discussed) and holyyyyyyyy fuck, drama citaaaaay.

He has 4 sisters, and only talks to one. He only considers his mom, dad, and sister actual family. I guess his mom's sisters and mother were really abusive to his mom when she was younger; that his cousin told him (seriously) that he should kill himself; that his older sisters agreed with his cousin; and his aunt is a gold digging whore.

There's more of course but wow. He hasn't talked to his sisters for yearzzzz! My mom would NOT allow that at all omg.

He also doesn't talk about his family to anyone really so it made me feel good that he trusts me! And it makes me understand why sometimes he seems like SUCH a jerk, and why he seems so cold and stand-offish. It's all a front really. He's been hurt by people who he loved, and felt safe with. How could you not end up being cautious with others?

ONE THING THOUGH, when he asked me why I didn't come back to campus for second year and I said it was because I would've killed myself, he said, "Don't you think that's selfish of you?"

I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE WOULD EVEN THINK THAT THAT'S SELFISH.

LIKE, IF SOMEONE HATES THEMSELVES AND THEIR LIVE'S SO FUCKING MUCH THAT THEY FEEL THAT THEY NEED TO END IT ALL TO ESCAPE, HOW IS THAT SELFISH IN THE LEAST?

I think that people with that view (the view of suicide being selfish), don't understand what it's like. Not saying that they're stupid, because they're not! I didn't even understand it before I felt it. Although I never thought of it as a selfish act to begin with. The best example to explain this is to say, "Why would someone cut?" because seriously, before I cut, I had no idea as to why anyone would EVER cut into their own skin.

Wouldn't it hurt? Why would you want to hurt when you're sad? How could that ever make you feel better?

You don't understand it until you have the voices yelling at you, screaming for blood. You don't understand it until you're numb for so long that you'll take pain over nothing. You don't understand it until you hurt so much emotionally that focussing on physical pain is a pleasure.

One will never understand suicide until they have seriously contemplated it or attempted it. So never think that someone who's suicidal is weak or selfish, because you seriously have no idea what's going on.

I think people bring other people's well-beings into suicide because we allow ourselves to get too close to peoples' bodies. Like, themselves being on this earth. We fall in love with souls and forget that the body isn't a reflection, but a storage house of a soul. When people die, we mourn too hard, and think that we'll never experience that person again, which is completely untrue. You'll experience their life force when something reminds you of them; the little things like a scent, or a place. With a mindset like this, how could suicide be anything close to selfish? People need to let go and realize that life is just energy being transferred.

ALSO, PROCHOICE.

If people are prochoice for someone else's life, why can't they be prochoice for their own life? If someone is suffering major depression for years and years, and have gone for pills and help, why can't they make the decision to opt-out of life in a way without risk and pain? You'd of course have to pay, and have to have undergone a lot of treatment before this option becomes available (you don't want people killing themselves because they got dumped), but seriously, why can't we do this?

So many of us go to bed praying , "Don't wake up, don't wake up, you fucking slut, DON'T. WAKE. UP." which can lead to terrible things. If we can find a humane way to deal with extreme wistfulness of death, why don't we allow it? Would it be selfish? Would it be a terrible act to partake in? Would it give us too much power?

It depends on how it's set up I suppose. But personally, I'm prochoice all the way.

- Mint.

And it's only 2:28.

The only good thing that has happened today is that I somehow managed to FINALLY  lose another pound and a half. Which makes no sense because of all the fucking chocolate I consumed yesterday, topped with a sandwich and olives after studying late with a friend.

The rest was this shit, quoted from my conversation with B on Facebook:

I WENT TO SEE MY ACADEMIC ADVISOR TODAY (AGAINNNN- BEEN TRYING TO SEE HER SINCE THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL BUT IT'S ALWAYS BEEN TOO BUSY BECAUSE IT WAS DROP INS) SO I WENT TODAY, AND IT'S APPOINTMENT ONLY BUT YOU CAN'T FUCKING MAKE APPOINTMENTS ON THE DAY OF AND TOMORROW IS DROP IN BUT THE SECRETARY DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE'LL BE IN TOMORROW WTF SO I HAD TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR FRIDAY BUT FUCKKK THE LAST DAY TO SWITCH CLASSES IS TODAY SO THAT'S WHY I NEEDEDDDDDDD TO SEE HER AND FUCK SO IF I SWITCH THINGS AFTER TODAY, I GET A BAD MARK ON MY RECORD, LIKE UHHHH SO THEN AFTER I WENT TO THE MALL TO RETURN SOME STUFF BECAUSE IT MADE ME LOOK FAT AND AS I WAS DRIVING I WAS HAVING A SMOKE BECAUSE I FUCKING NEEDED ONE AND I WAS WEARING THIS NEW SHIRT OF MINE THAT I FUCKING LOVEEEEEE AND AS I THROW MY SMOKE OUT THE WINDOW IT FUCKING FLIES BACK IN BURNS TWO HOLES IN MY NEW FAVOURITE FUCKING SHIRT WTF AND I'M SO PISSED AND WHEN I GOT TO THE MALL I REALIZED I FORGOT MY CLOTHES AT HOME SO I HAD TO GO BACK HOME AND GET IT SWITCH MY SHIRT, THROW OUT MY NEW NOW RUINED SHIRT AND GO BACK DOWN THERE OH AND PS I HIT EVERY SINGLE RED LIGHT THE ENTIRE WAY FROM SCHOOL TO THE MALL TO MY HOME TO THE MALL AND BACK AGAIN ANYWAY AT THE MALL I FIND OUT THAT I CAN'T RETURN MY SHIT AT THE STORE I WORK IN BECAUSE OF THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT, I CAN ONLY SWAP, SO I HAVE TO DO THAT LATER I GO BACK TO BELOW THE BELT, RETURN THE SHIRT I WANTED TO RETURN, AND BUY THE SAME SHIRT THAT I RUINED AGAIN EXCEPT THEY ONLY HAD A SMALL SO FUCK BUT W.E I GOT IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I LOVE ITTTTTT IT PROBZ WON'T BE THE SAME THOUGH AND SO I ENDED UP SPENDING MONEY AT BELOW THE BELT INSTEAD OF SAVING FUCK I DID GET TO RETURN MY CLOTHES FROM GUESS THOUGH SO THAT'S $143 BACK BUT UGH I HATE SCHOOL AND DRIVING

AND EVERYTHING

-Mint

My thoughts pour down with the rain, as the streets are flooded with sadness.

Today I was sad.

And yesterday too I think.

Yesterday not so much though. I spent $600 on clothes, so I have no money for gas or food or anything until the 27th when I get paid. Ughhhh... bad decisions...

I've been stressing hard about school. Everything is piling up so fast, and all I do is run. It's good being busy, because it helps you avoid reality. I love it, but it's so fucking dangerous.

I haven't gone to school since last Wednesday. I went on campus today though.

For five minutes.

I walked to class, walked right past it, and then went back home.

Bought chocolate, a lot of chocolate (first binge since I can't even remember when), ate chocolate, tried to purge, remembered that I CAN'T FUCKING PURGE, read four chapters of the book that B sent me, fell asleep for three hours (I've never napped in my entire life), woke up, ate more chocolate, and now I'm sitting here admitting that I'm sad.

I hate campus. It's so scary. Like, it reminds me too much of first year. I hate it. I hate each step I take on that place. Certain places I hate more than others, but in general, I hate it. The memories... they're too strong. They're too close when I'm on campus.

Especially when I can see the building I lived in. I shudder at the thought.

The things that happened in that room. The thoughts that filled my mind. I can't be so close to the past.

Ughhhh, I need a smoke. I had one the other day actually! I was driving around at night, feeling sad and I was like, "I feel like I need something", and a cigarette was just that! Thank god those exist.

I think my life would be so much better if I could get out of taking French. Or if I somehow understood French and wasn't afraid to attend my classes.

Blah, I hope this feeling doesn't last. It's too scary. I don't want to be sad again.
Oh, and today felt like the first day of autumn.

- Mint.

I cried in public today, that's a first.

So I've been super busy lately!

I've been having to attend so many events for rush, and I've been working, and have class and omg. I have to wake up super early and go to sleep super late just so that I have time for actual school and I'm still so fucking far behind.

I got into another French course, so I'm taking 5 courses this semester (3 French, 2 distance psych), but I still have to complete my entire French course from last semester (due on the 30th), and finish some essays for my old psych courses as well.

This was my day today after going to sleep at 2 am last night:

1. Wake up at 7- try to get some school done/get ready for yoga
2. Yoga 9:15-10:15
3. Get ready for school/try to do French literature homework, 10:30-12
4. Go to school, 12-12:20
5. Class, 12:30-2
6. Get gas/Monster/Go to work, 2-2:30
7. Work, 2:30-5:45
8. Go home/touch up for Greek life BBQ/figure out what I have to do when I get home, 5:45-6:30
9. Greek life BBQ, 7-8:30 (went home early)
10. Drive friend home/me home, 8:30-9
11. School/talk to mom/blogging, 9-present (10:30)

I'm only really blogging now because I want to talk about yoga.

But first, let me just say two things quickly so it's documented:

1. JR and I watched another movie and omg he bought a box of chocolates because I accidentally said that I loved chocolate, so I had to eat some. And he also "flirtingly" poked my sides *cough*fat*cough* (which made me want to die), and he also called me honey and darling, and I'm not down for this at all. Jerk was gone again and I told him about what happened and the thought IT WAS SO FUNNY. So next time, he's going to be a good fucking friend and actually BE THERE when I hang out with JR so I never have to live that again. But I think JR figured it out because I haven't heard from him since (Monday).
2. The girl I sat beside in my first French class turns out to be a French major, and is also in my higher-level French class (that I skipped) apparently, so I befriended the shit out of her and FINALLY went to my higher-level class yesterday and it's my favourite class by far! I understand this teacher the best out of the 3 French teachers I have, there's only 7 students in the class, and my prof is so passionate about the language (he's actually French) and teaching it (it's a grammar class) that it's actually really enjoyable! I also talked to him about my situation (how I don't know French) after class and he said that I'll definitely be able to do the course and that he'll help me, and he'll help find a tutor for me and that if I'm having any troubles at all to just ask. So basically he's the best person ever and I love him and want him to be my grand-dad lol

Okay, so YOGA.

Roomie goes to this place downtown for yoga every couple days and lately (because I bought workout clothes) I've been going with her! At the end of every class you lie down on your matt and just breathe and rest. And near the VERY end while you're still lying there, the teacher reads out a passage. It can be about anything really, but in general, it's a message just to remind you to be happy, peaceful, and loving.

WELL TODAY, OUT OF NO WHERE, BEFORE THE PASSAGE WAS EVEN BEING READ, I was lying there feeling happy.

I was thinking about how my roomie is basically an angel. She's getting me involved in so many things (campus life, yoga, meeting people) and I really don't know how this year would have been going so far if I didn't have her. She's so chill and her energy is so warm and peaceful you know? She's confident and real, and not afraid of things.

This is where I started to get emotional. I was thinking about how terrible my first year of university was, and all the terrible things I had done to myself in that jail cell of a dorm room. I was thinking about how much I hated everything and everyone, and that maybe if my roomie wasn't my roomie this year, I would have gone back so fast and so quickly. This is when I started tearing up, and biting my lip to try to stop it.

This is when the teacher started reading today's passage. Which was unbelievably relatable and so close to fucking home.

I wish I had a copy of it, because it seriously destroyed me. It was about how we can be so hard on ourselves and that we can allow ourselves to be overtaken by hate and evil. Sometimes it can seem like there will be no end to it, but one day, when you least expect it, you will be happy. The sun will shine, and the dark will flee; so we've got to fight, and continue, and live, experience. She said, "Each breathe is a new beginning."

She stressed the importance of loving oneself, and having inner peace.

And by the time we were back in the sitting position, and she was done reading, and everyone was leaving, I was a mess and couldn't even try to hold it in.

I've done so many horrible, horrible, things to myself and it took me until just this morning, to realize it.

I've torn open my flesh over and over, deeper and deeper, until there was no longer room to cut. I've punched myself, and have torn at my skin with my own nails. I've hated myself more than anything, and I just realized how sad that is.

It feels like that was baby Mint, and looking back on my year and a half of intense major depression, I want to cry, and I want to hold baby me, and tell her that she doesn't need to hold everything in. It's okay to feel, and to show others that you're weak, and it's okay to need people.

Baby Mint is an entirely different person than who I am now. It feels as if she's a little sister whom I can't help, and that's why it hurt so bad today.

The past is the past, and it can't be changed. I will always have put the blade to my skin, and I will have always contemplated suicide. And it hurts. It hurts to know that that's who I was. That I saw life as so empty and without purpose, that I decided being a ghost, and ripping myself apart was a better solution.

But somehow something happened and I made it through. I breathed a new breathe and I changed things. And I changed my attitude. I learned to love again, and I allowed the sun to kiss my skin with warmth.

Walking back to the car with roomie I said in between heaves of tears, "That passage for some reason got me really emotional... I don't like it." but she told me that sometimes it happens and that she's cried at the end of a yoga class before too, so I shouldn't feel bad.

I said that that made me feel better and I paused for a short time before asking with my voice still shaky and my tears still falling, if I could give her a hug. She was like, "AWEEE OF COURSE BABY!" and we hugged and then I told her that I loved her, and how grateful I was for having her as a roommate.

I'm not a hugger, I'm not someone who cries in front of other people, and I'm not someone who takes someone else's offers of hospitality.

In the end, I found peace. A lot of old shit is buried deep down, and it's going to eventually bubble its way up, and I'm going to have to release it. I have many ghosts inside of me, and I need to let go of their restless souls.

In the end, I found peace. I exhaled some bad, and hugged some good. I let my heart love, and it's nice.

In the end, I breathed a new beginning, and I found peace.

- Mint.

Miss Independent (apparently).

Todaaaaaaay, was interesting.

I skipped the first class of my 300 level French course.

I arrived on campus just as class was starting and we all know what happened yesterday when I was late, so I decided against repeating my mistakes.

Instead I went to my study spot that I founded back in 2012, and studied, waiting until 3:30 for when I was supposed to go for coffee (supposed to)*.

I didn't get much done but I accomplished something so that's good!

At 1, I decided to go wait in line for an hour at the book store to pick up the text books that I ordered online, and also the French book I needed to buy.

Then (because I had a big ass box of books), I decided to go to my car to drop them off. Once I actually got to my car I decided that I should check them out, because I legitimately forgot that I was taking psych courses, so I suddenly got SUPER EXCITED.

I ended up chilling in my car for like half an hour; It was nice and quiet in the parking lot, and there was a nice breeze too! I called up Pumpkin, and talked to her for a bit, and then went back to my study nook.

When I was studying I got a phone call from the clothing store asking if I could come to my interview an hour earlier, and of course I said that it would be fine! But then it meant that I could only be at the sorority event for 25 minutes, ughhhhh.

Roomie and I ended up going together, and we went earlier too so that means that I got to meet the sorority girls one on one, and got to help set the table up so I think I earned points there! By the time everyone arrived though and we got sorted into groups, I only had like 10 minutes to "meet and greet" so it was pretty lame :/ But I met one girl and she added me on facebook and one of the sorority girls added me tooooo so that's good!

Anyway, I excused myself when it was time and ran off to my interview. I called the store to say I might be late, but I was right on time!! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE, I GOT THE JOBBBB

FIRST DAY IS ON MONDAY, WOOP WOOP!! I'll be working cash as well as on the floor SO I ACTUALLY GET TO DRESS PEOPLE AND STUFF AND I'M SUPER EXCITED!

After I left the store I had to go through Sports Chek to get to my car, and then all of a sudden I was shopping and trying on clothes BY MYSELF AND THAT'S REALLY WEIRD FOR ME. I'm super dependent normally and wouldn't even dare to stop and look at clothes, let alone BUY clothes.

So yeah, now I have work out clothes so I can hike with roomie, or go to that dance/yoga studio she goes to!

This year is already soooo much better than first year! I hope things keep going like this!

Oh, and J.R has been talking to me on fb like all day and somehow we're planning movie marathons? I don't know if Jerk will be there for these too... I hope he is because I'm really not interested in J.R. Like, he's really hot and really nice and everything, but I feel like he's too good and, caring you know? I don't know, why would I even be thinking about this, he's probably just down for being friends! Which is what I'm down for too!

On another note, ugh, I miss the boy from France! Our conversations get longer and longer, but that means he needs more time to translate them and to reply to them! And work is really busy for him this month (working 16-18 hour days) so we haven't been able to talk much, and AHHHH I MISS HIM, AND AHHHHH I GET ADDICTED TOO EASILY.

P.s food intake is about 260 a day and I'm actually moving everyday up and down hills and stairs so I'm happy with that!

- Mint

* awe my friend who ditched me for coffee just texted me saying that her parents kidnapped her all of today and we're rescheduling for tomorrow! This day really was good!

I'm not sad anymore.

Today was my first day of actual classes and it was so bad omg.

I went to where I thought the class should be and it wasn't there. Like, it didn't exist.

So I went to the office section of that floor and asked one of the profs if she knew where it was. She was puzzled and said maybe the class is really small and that it could be held in one of the study areas, so I went and checked and nope definitely wrong.

So I asked another prof and he said that maybe I was in the wrong building.

Long story short, I checked on his computer and yup wrong building, WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK. French is always in the art building!!!

So I finally got to the right building, and since I was late I had to knock on the door, and everyone saw me and looked and stared and all the seats were full so I had to look around and look even more stupid and then I found a chair and sat down AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.

THE TEACHER ONLY SPEAKS FRENCH DURING LECTURE.

Since it was the first day, the class only lasted half an hour (normally it's an hour and a half), THANK FUCKING GOD, BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING HE WAS SAYING THE ENTIRE TIME.

I LEGIT UNDERSTOOD LIKE 5 WORDS. IN HALF AN HOUR.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MY EASY CLASS.

Tomorrow I have my harder French class, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Anyway, when I was walking to the book store to see if the line was too big, I ran into the only friend I have here! Let's call himmmmmmm Jerk. Because he is one lol

I haven't seen him since first year so I had to do the whole hug and catch up thing. Which was good! He gets my sense of humour and I get his, and he's got a lot of friends (acquaintances really) so imma steal them all >:)

He invited me out to this pub that he was going to with his roomie whom I met once in first year (he's super cool and really into music and remixing things and yeah, I want to be his friend) and I told him I was down for that, then he had to go to class and I went home.

While at home I got a phone call from that clothing store I'm trying to get a job at and I got another interview for tomorrow! Soooo I'm thinking I basically got the job lol WOOP WOOOOOP!

Anyway, I got Jerk and his roomie to pick me up later for the pub and ahhhhhh his roomie is WAAAY HOTTER THAN I REMEMBER

AND HE DRIVES A SICK CAR

IT'S ALL TRIPPED OUT WITH THOSE LIGHT THINGS INSIDE AND THEY FLASH WITH THE BASS

AND OMG HIS SPEAKERS ARE SO GOOOOOOD

Mhm mhm! And he's single this year! Woop wooooop!

Anyway, his car is sick and he's super nice and makes conversation so things weren't ever weird at all! He's in engineering and on campus all the engineers hang out together in a nerdy little club. I've learnt that engineers are either hellaaaaa sexy, or super nerdy; there is no in between.

So we walk in to this pub and who do we see at the super huge table? A bunch of fucking engineers.

So we sit with them obviously, Jerk's roomie got da hook upzzzz. It should be noted that girls are rarely found in the engineer program. And it should be noted even more that I was the only girl, sat in a pub, with at LEAST 14 boys.

How am I even getting into these situations? It's the weirdest thing.

I talked to a few of them because I was telling Jerk's roomie (we're going to call him J.R from now on) about how I'm trying to join the sorority to gain friends (lol) and he's like, "Really? A lot of these guys are in the main fraternity!" *turns to the guys* "Who here's in a fraternity?" *all the sexy boys hands go up*

I talked to them a bit about all that junk and I guess I'll be seeing them at the Greek BBQ later next week ;)

Later the guy beside me started making conversation and I learnt about the three different types of engineers. There's the classic building ones, the ones who make technology, anddddddd I forget the other lol the guy I was talking to as well as his friends beside him/across from me were all technology engineers. So I asked them about electricity (because that really confuses me) and physics (which confuses me even more) and then it changed to space and the brain and yeah it was a really good conversation! It made me feel better because they were just as confused as I was with all that stuff! One guy was like (super serious too), "YOU need to be a scientist or an engineer or something because you've got the mind for it for sure." I just laughed because I can't even handle French or bio-psych.

Guys are so much easier to talk to than girls I swear to god.

After the pub, Jerk, J.R and I went back to their place and just chilled really.

I learnt that J.R can play guitar reallllllly fucking well, and that he's also super artistic, and made a hover board in class once, and that HE MAKES REALLY GOOD COFFEE. AND HE MADE ME SOME AND IT WAS DELIC'.

IT WAS AN AMERICANO WITH FRESHLY GROUND ESPRESSO BEANS AND HE DID IT SO PERFECTLY WOW.

I NEVER LIKE ANYONE'S COFFEE EXCEPT FOR MINE SO THIS IS BIG GUYS.

We all watched New Girl together and I was sat in the middle and I felt like a pimp the entire night just saying lol.

At the end of the night J.R somehow ended up much closer to me than where he started lol I don't know how to feel about thaaaaaat hahaha

Anyway, we might all go out tomorrow night to this red bull party the school has every year (1st year it lasted sooooo fucking long, until 3 at least), so hopefully I'll get nice and drunk :3

Tomorrow also I'm having coffee with my sort of friend from 1st year, and then I have to go to the sorority meet and greet, and then I have to go to my interview, buy some clothes, and somehow fit school into there too lol

I've also realized that I'm not depressed anymore, like legit. There's none. It's a weird feeling when you're so used to sadness.

I think this happened sometime during the summer for sure. Like, I'm actually happy, and excited. And trying to say yes to things, and talk to people and lose my insecurities.

So yes, I'm not sad anymore.

I feel weak for saying that, but it's true, I think. Like, I understand there will be good days and bad days, but overall, I'm happy.

And that's good.

- Mint.

LIEK OMG SISTERZZZ! ♡♡

So I had my job interview today and I had to fill out this application that they send into head office or whatever.

There were 21 multiple choice questions and ooooomg they were so hard! With every question there were two answers that were close to being right, but they needed parts of the other option to be actually right.

Ughhhhh

And because I'm in psychology, and am technically "trained" to consider every possibility of what could happen after deciding on a choice and how others react and how what I can do can have multiple different effects on people, IT WAS EVEN HARDER.

It was supposed to take 10 minutes, I swear it was at least 20 lolol

But she said that it takes a few days for the application to process, so she'll phone me on Thursday so we'll seeeeee how thaaaaaaaaat goessssssss.

ALSO, today was like "club day" on campus and roomie and I went because she wanted free shit, AND GUESS WHAT.

SHE'S PART OF A SORORITY LOOOOOOOL WHAT?

She was like, "You should join!! You'll meet so many people and have so many friends!"

So I signed up for rush or whatever it's called! And then maybe I'll become a pledge and then BE IN A SORORITY.

I think it's sooo hilarious! But at the same I really want to get in hahaha

That's basically my day today, I thought I had more to write, sorry!

- Mint.

I went on a hike.

Today I accidentally went on a hike.

How does one accidentally go on a hike?

Well, when one thinks that the other is bluffing. That's how.

My roomie (I'm not even giving her a name, she'll forever just be roomie, or rookie because of auto-correct- depends on how lazy I am), is super active apparently. She's from Vancouver and I guess there's nothing to do there but hike (makes no sense). I thought she meant explore, like wander around. On flat ground.

So when she came into my room at about 2 asking if I wanted to join her for a hike, I thought that she meant explore. LIKE WALK AROUND ON FLAT GROUND FOR A BIT, MAYBE GET COFFEE AFTER.

As soon as I said sure she ran off, changed into sporty wear, put her hair up, and got a water bottle.

This didn't scare me because a lot of girls do this whenever they do something "athletic".

We hopped into her dad's van (she gets to keep it until her dad leaves on Monday- he's not staying with us by the way, that'd be weird lol) and away we went!

When we parked, on a slant, that didn't scare me; it's when we got out of the car and made our way to the trail opening that scared me. Because the people we passed, WERE FUCKING INTENSE.

LIKE MOUNTAIN GEAR AND WATER GALORE

PEOPLE COMING OUT OF THE TRAIL WERE DRENCHED

ALL FIT LOOKING AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT THIS, THISSSSSSS WAS A FUCKING HIKE.

UP A FUCKING MOUNTAIN.

THIS HIKE TOOK US TWOOOOOOO FUCKINGGGGG HOURSSSSSS.

IT'S +30 DEGREES, MY HAIR IS DOWN, I'M WEARING JEANS BECAUSE OF GOD DAMN FUCKING SCARS (DO NOT CUT I SWEAR TO GOD. HATE YOURSELF ALL YOU WANT, BUT REMEMBER. THERE WILL BE MANY A TIME WHEN SHORTS ARE REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY. HEED MY WARNING. PUT DOWN THE RAZOR BLADE AND SCISSORS. SUMMER WILL END YOU IF YOU CAN'T WEAR SHORTS. AND ALSO IF YOUR ROOMIE IS AN ACTIVE PERSON, AND ASKS IF YOU WANT TO HIKE, SHE MEANS A REAL FUCKING HIKE. ABORT THE MISSION.

ABORTTTTTTTTTTTT

YOU CLIMB ALL THE WAY UP, FUCKING STEEP AS ALL HELL.

YOU CLIMB ALL THE WAY DOWN, STEEP AS FUCKING HELL.

THERE IS NO PART IN ANY HIKE THAT IS SAFE. I SAW A SNAKE.

THOUGHT IT WAS A BIG ASS WORM

NOPE.

MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE.

I DON'T GET WHY PEOPLE DO THIS. THERE WERE PEOPLE RUNNING

RUNNINGGGGGGGGGGGG

UP

THIS

HILL

WHAT-

WHY-

WHYYYY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF WILLINGLY?

OMG IF I WAS A REGULAR SMOKER IT'D BE SO MUCH WORSE

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

WHEN I GOT HOME I WAS THE OCEAN.

SALT, OOOOOOOZING FROM EVERY CREVASSE.

DRIPPING.

SWEAT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH WATER I DRANK, BUT I DO KNOW THAT I TOOK MY PANTS OFF AS SOON AS I GOT HOME.

ROOMIE WASN'T THERE, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

THE POINT OF THIS POST IS THE FOLLOWING:

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE GO FOR A HIKE.

EVER.

I AM TRAUMATIZED.

- Mint.