Suicide is not an act of selfishness.

OKAY SO,

I dropped out of my French minor. Because French is stupid.

Except I didn't drop out of my 300-level grammar French class because I just love the teacher too much! Also, since I'm good at grammar, and I can understand him the most, I think it will be a smart decision, because I still want to know French one day!

So, since a BA requires upper-level courses from a discipline other than your major, I decided to go into English. I'm taking a children's literature course that goes into next semester (I get to read Anne of Green Gables, and Harry Potter, and A Series of Unfortunate Eventssss and I am soooooo excited! I wanted to take this course since first year!), and next semester I'm taking a poetry course that's taught by this prof who taught me about poetry in first year, so that'll be good! I'm also in an English course next semester that's all about dogs? LOL I HAVE NO IDEA.

There's this other course I really wanted to take next semester all about Oscar Wilde, but it's at the same time as my social psych course. So since it's in next semester, there's still time to switch things around but that's only if I can get into a different psych course! Fingers crosseddddd...

After work tonight, I went over to Jerk's house and we were supposed to study, but instead we just talked the whole time, and he took me out for ice cream, and I realized that he's actually fucking incredibly sweet as hell.

He knows that I cut, and about the ED, but he never really asked about it until tonight and he finally linked some things together from first year lol "SO THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T PLAY VOLLEYBALL FIRST YEAR, THE SHORTS!!"

It was awkward because I've never actually talked in person, like in depth about cutting before. But it was also really late (2:00 am then, and 4:00 am now) which means that personal things don't seem so personal.

He told me all about his family (which we've never discussed) and holyyyyyyyy fuck, drama citaaaaay.

He has 4 sisters, and only talks to one. He only considers his mom, dad, and sister actual family. I guess his mom's sisters and mother were really abusive to his mom when she was younger; that his cousin told him (seriously) that he should kill himself; that his older sisters agreed with his cousin; and his aunt is a gold digging whore.

There's more of course but wow. He hasn't talked to his sisters for yearzzzz! My mom would NOT allow that at all omg.

He also doesn't talk about his family to anyone really so it made me feel good that he trusts me! And it makes me understand why sometimes he seems like SUCH a jerk, and why he seems so cold and stand-offish. It's all a front really. He's been hurt by people who he loved, and felt safe with. How could you not end up being cautious with others?

ONE THING THOUGH, when he asked me why I didn't come back to campus for second year and I said it was because I would've killed myself, he said, "Don't you think that's selfish of you?"

I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE WOULD EVEN THINK THAT THAT'S SELFISH.

LIKE, IF SOMEONE HATES THEMSELVES AND THEIR LIVE'S SO FUCKING MUCH THAT THEY FEEL THAT THEY NEED TO END IT ALL TO ESCAPE, HOW IS THAT SELFISH IN THE LEAST?

I think that people with that view (the view of suicide being selfish), don't understand what it's like. Not saying that they're stupid, because they're not! I didn't even understand it before I felt it. Although I never thought of it as a selfish act to begin with. The best example to explain this is to say, "Why would someone cut?" because seriously, before I cut, I had no idea as to why anyone would EVER cut into their own skin.

Wouldn't it hurt? Why would you want to hurt when you're sad? How could that ever make you feel better?

You don't understand it until you have the voices yelling at you, screaming for blood. You don't understand it until you're numb for so long that you'll take pain over nothing. You don't understand it until you hurt so much emotionally that focussing on physical pain is a pleasure.

One will never understand suicide until they have seriously contemplated it or attempted it. So never think that someone who's suicidal is weak or selfish, because you seriously have no idea what's going on.

I think people bring other people's well-beings into suicide because we allow ourselves to get too close to peoples' bodies. Like, themselves being on this earth. We fall in love with souls and forget that the body isn't a reflection, but a storage house of a soul. When people die, we mourn too hard, and think that we'll never experience that person again, which is completely untrue. You'll experience their life force when something reminds you of them; the little things like a scent, or a place. With a mindset like this, how could suicide be anything close to selfish? People need to let go and realize that life is just energy being transferred.

ALSO, PROCHOICE.

If people are prochoice for someone else's life, why can't they be prochoice for their own life? If someone is suffering major depression for years and years, and have gone for pills and help, why can't they make the decision to opt-out of life in a way without risk and pain? You'd of course have to pay, and have to have undergone a lot of treatment before this option becomes available (you don't want people killing themselves because they got dumped), but seriously, why can't we do this?

So many of us go to bed praying , "Don't wake up, don't wake up, you fucking slut, DON'T. WAKE. UP." which can lead to terrible things. If we can find a humane way to deal with extreme wistfulness of death, why don't we allow it? Would it be selfish? Would it be a terrible act to partake in? Would it give us too much power?

It depends on how it's set up I suppose. But personally, I'm prochoice all the way.

- Mint.