I've been having to attend so many events for rush, and I've been working, and have class and omg. I have to wake up super early and go to sleep super late just so that I have time for actual school and I'm still so fucking far behind.
I got into another French course, so I'm taking 5 courses this semester (3 French, 2 distance psych), but I still have to complete my entire French course from last semester (due on the 30th), and finish some essays for my old psych courses as well.
This was my day today after going to sleep at 2 am last night:
- Wake up at 7- try to get some school done/get ready for yoga
- Yoga 9:15-10:15
- Get ready for school/try to do French literature homework, 10:30-12
- Go to school, 12-12:20
- Class, 12:30-2
- Get gas/Monster/Go to work, 2-2:30
- Work, 2:30-5:45
- Go home/touch up for Greek life BBQ/figure out what I have to do when I get home, 5:45-6:30
- Greek life BBQ, 7-8:30 (went home early)
- Drive friend home/me home, 8:30-9
- School/talk to mom/blogging, 9-present (10:30)
I'm only really blogging now because I want to talk about yoga.
But first, let me just say two things quickly so it's documented:
- JR and I watched another movie and omg he bought a box of chocolates because I accidentally said that I loved chocolate, so I had to eat some. And he also "flirtingly" poked my sides *cough*fat*cough* (which made me want to die), and he also called me honey and darling, and I'm not down for this at all. Jerk was gone again and I told him about what happened and the thought IT WAS SO FUNNY. So next time, he's going to be a good fucking friend and actually BE THERE when I hang out with JR so I never have to live that again. But I think JR figured it out because I haven't heard from him since (Monday).
- The girl I sat beside in my first French class turns out to be a French major, and is also in my higher-level French class (that I skipped) apparently, so I befriended the shit out of her and FINALLY went to my higher-level class yesterday and it's my favourite class by far! I understand this teacher the best out of the 3 French teachers I have, there's only 7 students in the class, and my prof is so passionate about the language (he's actually French) and teaching it (it's a grammar class) that it's actually really enjoyable! I also talked to him about my situation (how I don't know French) after class and he said that I'll definitely be able to do the course and that he'll help me, and he'll help find a tutor for me and that if I'm having any troubles at all to just ask. So basically he's the best person ever and I love him and want him to be my grand-dad lol
Okay, so YOGA.
Roomie goes to this place downtown for yoga every couple days and lately (because I bought workout clothes) I've been going with her! At the end of every class you lie down on your matt and just breathe and rest. And near the VERY end while you're still lying there, the teacher reads out a passage. It can be about anything really, but in general, it's a message just to remind you to be happy, peaceful, and loving.
WELL TODAY, OUT OF NO WHERE, BEFORE THE PASSAGE WAS EVEN BEING READ, I was lying there feeling happy.
I was thinking about how my roomie is basically an angel. She's getting me involved in so many things (campus life, yoga, meeting people) and I really don't know how this year would have been going so far if I didn't have her. She's so chill and her energy is so warm and peaceful you know? She's confident and real, and not afraid of things.
This is where I started to get emotional. I was thinking about how terrible my first year of university was, and all the terrible things I had done to myself in that jail cell of a dorm room. I was thinking about how much I hated everything and everyone, and that maybe if my roomie wasn't my roomie this year, I would have gone back so fast and so quickly. This is when I started tearing up, and biting my lip to try to stop it.
This is when the teacher started reading today's passage. Which was unbelievably relatable and so close to fucking home.
I wish I had a copy of it, because it seriously destroyed me. It was about how we can be so hard on ourselves and that we can allow ourselves to be overtaken by hate and evil. Sometimes it can seem like there will be no end to it, but one day, when you least expect it, you will be happy. The sun will shine, and the dark will flee; so we've got to fight, and continue, and live, experience. She said, "Each breathe is a new beginning."
She stressed the importance of loving oneself, and having inner peace.
And by the time we were back in the sitting position, and she was done reading, and everyone was leaving, I was a mess and couldn't even try to hold it in.
I've done so many horrible, horrible, things to myself and it took me until just this morning, to realize it.
I've torn open my flesh over and over, deeper and deeper, until there was no longer room to cut. I've punched myself, and have torn at my skin with my own nails. I've hated myself more than anything, and I just realized how sad that is.
It feels like that was baby Mint, and looking back on my year and a half of intense major depression, I want to cry, and I want to hold baby me, and tell her that she doesn't need to hold everything in. It's okay to feel, and to show others that you're weak, and it's okay to need people.
Baby Mint is an entirely different person than who I am now. It feels as if she's a little sister whom I can't help, and that's why it hurt so bad today.
The past is the past, and it can't be changed. I will always have put the blade to my skin, and I will have always contemplated suicide. And it hurts. It hurts to know that that's who I was. That I saw life as so empty and without purpose, that I decided being a ghost, and ripping myself apart was a better solution.
But somehow something happened and I made it through. I breathed a new breathe and I changed things. And I changed my attitude. I learned to love again, and I allowed the sun to kiss my skin with warmth.
Walking back to the car with roomie I said in between heaves of tears, "That passage for some reason got me really emotional... I don't like it." but she told me that sometimes it happens and that she's cried at the end of a yoga class before too, so I shouldn't feel bad.
I said that that made me feel better and I paused for a short time before asking with my voice still shaky and my tears still falling, if I could give her a hug. She was like, "AWEEE OF COURSE BABY!" and we hugged and then I told her that I loved her, and how grateful I was for having her as a roommate.
I'm not a hugger, I'm not someone who cries in front of other people, and I'm not someone who takes someone else's offers of hospitality.
In the end, I found peace. A lot of old shit is buried deep down, and it's going to eventually bubble its way up, and I'm going to have to release it. I have many ghosts inside of me, and I need to let go of their restless souls.
In the end, I found peace. I exhaled some bad, and hugged some good. I let my heart love, and it's nice.
In the end, I breathed a new beginning, and I found peace.
- Mint.
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