I outran it.

I almost cut the other night.

I was going to cut my most upper-left thigh, deep.

I could see me doing it. I could see the skin split open. The blood slowly pool, and eventually stream down my leg.

It was Thursday, my mom was supposed to be here still, but she left first thing in the morning, without going to the courses she paid for, because Wednesday night all we did was fight, and I made her cry.

Thursday I had class from 3:30-5. It would be the first time I've been to that class, and it took everything that I had to get dressed and do my readings. It took everything I had to walk down to my car, and drive to school.

I parked at the school and sat there for a minute. I didn't want to go. I don't know anyone in that class, I'm a late addition to that class. I don't want to talk in that class. I don't want to walk on campus. I don't want to walk up all the stairs to my class on the third floor. I don't want to be seen.

I want to be so invisible.

I was sitting in the car, trying to make myself go to class. But I couldn't. I just could, so I left.

"Cut, cut, cut" the old voice has awakened. "No," I thought, "I'll have a smoke to stop my stress."

So I had a smoke. But the voice didn't stop slithering through my mind, "Cut, cut, cut".

"I'll just make amends with Pumpkin on skype since we've been pissy at each other for too long"

So I did, and that went okay but still, I was haunted, "Cut, cut, cut".

So I watched Glee, and then Grey's Anatomy. And then I went to the frozen yogurt place with roomie. Watched old episodes of Breaking Bad with roomie. And then roomie went to sleep.

"Cut, cut, cutttt" the voice called out.

So I texted Jerk, asking if I could go over and study with him and so I did. J.R was there too studying at the kitchen table. Jerk was studying at the island in the kitchen, and I was studying on the couch in the living room.

It was actually really nice. Being with people without being with them. It was comfortable and just what I needed.

The voice was silenced, and I got away from the shadows.

Fuck, I have so much to blog, here goes:

1. I got out of that French course, and I'm taking a long distance English course about Shakespeare.
2. I can't go home for Thanksgiving or any other time really because I can only ever book like two days off. So I might have to quit at the end of November so that I can go home for Christmas. I'm talking to my boss about it on Wednesday.
3. There's this girl at work and I want to be her best friend LOL she's suuuuper fucking fashionable and looks like a model and let's call her Morgan. She's 19 and is saving up to move to Vancouver, to be a Fashion director for spreads or a stylist, she's not sure yet. BUT FUCK. THAT SOUNDS FUN. I WAN DEW DAT. I WAN GO WIT DAT BITCH. LEMME B DAT BITCH.

And lastly, part 3 of the fucking long ass post. Last night I think I accidentally had a movie date with Jerk. Which isn't fair because we've been friends for over two years, you can't just fucking switch things up like that. Like, what the fuck dude.

I went over to watch The Heat because it's apparently super funny. We watched it in his room because J.R wasn't there, and we didn't want him joining us later because he's weird and we both don't like him lol So we watched the movie in his bed and by the end of the movie he had moved closer so that he was sorta leaning on me. But I was like, whatever, no big deal, HE'S LIKE MY BROTHER.

But then after the movie we were just talking and chilling in his bed and he kept like, subtly trying to snuggle or something. Just weird shit, like he'd like touch my arm or grab my hand and be like, "Oh, what's your tattoo say again?" HE GODDAMN KNOWS WHAT MY TATTOO SAYS.

And he fucking touched my hair oh my goddddd.

Also, I was like lying on my stomach and had my feet up, and he like, pushed them down with his legs and then would flip them back up, SO IT WAS LIKE FOOTSIES. And sometimes he'd just push my feet down and just chill with his legs like over mine. LIKE THE FUCK IS THAT. I'd move over, and then BOOM, he'd move over too.

He wanted me to like sleep over and NO MAN, that's weirddddddd.

And like, we were laying facing each other talking, but then he was just getting too close, plus I wanted to close my eyes (it was like 3 in the morning by that time) so I turned my head the other way and he was like, "Oh my god, you can't even look at me right now." and I was like, "OH MY GOD, MY EYES ARE CLOSED DUDE."

What the fuck was all of that about? Like seriously. What the hell???

- Mint.