I want to make my blog more interesting so I'm just going to try to be more involved in my own blog, in other peoples' blogs, andddddd yeah. That's it I guess (let's see how long this lasts).
To start things off, above is a frame from one of my favourite movies, Breakfast at Tiffany's, staring my favourite actress, idol, thinsporation, person, Audrey Hepburn. Click the image to go to my tumblr post explaining why I like her/the character/the movie so much.
Today was meh, but at the same time, it was alright.
Food wasn't the best (I ate, again), exercise wasn't the best (had to take a break halfway through, again), and my productivity level for school sucked too.
BUT, it was good because I just sat by the fire all day with my ipad, following new blogs on tumblr, and rediscovering the fashion world, while drinking coffee and water (after being bad and eating this morning). I feel different, and happy (even excited) about this upcoming week, and these upcoming months.
I've decided that I'm going to do so good. And by Christmas I'll be so thin. And everyone will be so jealous.
I will achieve my goals. 2012 will not be a failure.
Today I was also thinking about my childhood. I don't remember most of it because I don't want to, but the bad memories still stick out, the best memories can be found if I look hard enough, and random memories pop up every so often.
Today I remembered that my first diet was the cabbage soup diet when I was four or five. I didn't like the soup, so I just had fruit. My mom and dad were doing it and I wanted to be involved. I liked it because it was fun knowing exactly what I would eat/when I would eat/and how much I would eat, ahead of schedule. I also liked it because it would mean my "fat legs" would be thin like everyone else's (I've never been actually "overweight" before in my life).
The first time that I remember actually working out because I was "fat" was when I was six or seven. I remember putting my hair in a pony tail, putting on an outfit that I decided was only for working out, and going downstairs to our treadmill. I decided that I'd work out for an hour a day, and because I was walking, my legs would be thin like everyone else's.
I've always been controlling with food apparently, because I remember sitting for hours at the dinner table alone, not being able to leave until I finished eating the meal I refused to touch. I'd sit there until it seemed safe enough to leave, then I'd go to bed. Or sometimes I'd gross myself out so much by the food that I'd throw up what I did eat, onto the food that I hadn't eaten. I was always so happy when I threw up (why can't I purge?).
I remember skipping breakfast almost all of my life because it'd make me feel sick, and because my mom doesn't eat breakfast. I remember not eating anything for lunch except a granola bar because other lunch foods were gross, and because mom barely ate lunch.
I remember that when I did eat the granola bar I'd feel so fat. I'd look so fat. So, for the rest of the day I'd suck my stomach in as tightly as I could, trying to undo my mistake.
I even remember that for awhile there when I was probably 8, I'd do 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups on my bed before falling asleep.
And lastly, I remember always comparing bodies in gym class. Mostly legs because mine were/are/will always be fat. We'd all sit in a circle and I'd go around, looking at how thin everyone's legs looked in their shorts (I always hid my fat tree trunks under sweats). I'd even look at the bigger girls in class and decide that they were/are/will always be thinner than me. Everyone was perfect, everyone was normal, everyone was thin, except me.
So if I've been fucked up since I can remember, why the fuck haven't I ever been under weight? Why the fuck do I keep messing up? Why the fuck do I get so close to a goal and then take it away? Whyyyy?
I'm so frustrating...
Lovely: Thanks so much for relating to me with basically everything I said in my last post! Sometimes I feel crazy and as if everything I think I know is completely fucked up (my suicide idea) or not true at all (me thinking that psychology articles don't paint an accurate picture. I always think, maybe I feel like I can't relate to this article because I actually don't. You know?). So yeah, thanks! And have fun in London! ^.^
My Starshine: We sooo have the same brains! I'm slowly taking the goodies she gave me and am throwing them in the bin. I'm not tempted at all because being vegan is different than just restricting! So yay brain for sticking to my morals! And when I explained my suicide idea, I meant that I would die from hypothermia (I'm from Canada, remember!? :p ), not by over-dosing on sleeping pills. The sleeping pills were just to allow my mind to escape this world before my soul.
I la-la-love you! And thank you for always being there for me. ♥
Think thin!
♥,
Mint.
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