I honestly didn't expect I'd write something sad this time, I'm sorry.

I can't think about you without a bad memory popping into my head. Even if I'm thinking about a good memory, there's always a bad one ready to step in.

My mind is getting really good at not remembering though so that's good I guess... but it leaves me with a huge pit of anxiety in the base of my tummy. It's like, the memories are there, but even though I'm not consciously thinking about them, the anxiety from them is still present. blah.

I'm trying really hard to make 2017 good. I'm trying to be happy and at peace, but it's not going well so far. I'm so afraid of everything it's insane. Everything makes me want to cry.

Since the upset that happened in May, my emotions have been constantly at the surface; waiting to flood at any sign of a crack. Since I'm made of eggshell, cracks are frequently present and I drown. It sucks.

I'm also very aware of the fact that apparently people can read my emotion like a bright neon sign. That makes me uncomfortable because what if they interpret me wrong? What if they read my fright as bitchiness or something like that, you know? Because that has happened to me a lot (people don't speak very quietly), and it makes me feel worse and I just want to cry and run away.

I also hate how all my clothes are from like 3 years ago or more so they have holes, are stretched, faded, obviously out of style, and make me look gigantic because they're baggy but they don't relax (does that make sense?) which makes me look like I'm actually that size. I hate how my forehead has like loose fucking skin and wrinkles at any sign of emotion. I hate that all the fat has gone from my face so my cheeks have weird lines now too when I smile (which is very rare but still).

I don't like how I gained 2 pounds over Christmas, not to mention the other 3 I gained when I first came back home. (I WAS AT FUCKING 121 LBS WHEN I CAME BACK I AM SO ANGRY)

I don't like how alone I am either. I do talk to BB since apparently we're still together but we barely text (no phone calls or FaceTime) so I'm basically on my own. I've lost so much because of my relationship with him... *sigh*

I FEEL SO OLD AND HELPLESS. I can't do anything because I'm so afraid of everything. I can't make money because of it, I can't learn because of it, I can't make friends because of it, I can't be happy...
I spent the best years of my 20's with a goddamn prick and he sucked out all my youth, hope, and potential. I'm done, I'm washed up and I'm a stupid ugly hag with no fucking future.

AND I'M SO NEGATIVE AND I HATE IT AND I'M SO ANNOYING BECAUSE I'M DISTRACTED BY THE STORM I'M IN, I CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE AND PEOPLE HATE IT. AND I DON'T BLAME THEM, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITH THIS MESS? It's pointless and exhausting. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to everyone who comes in contact with me.

This is why BB is in the back of my mind. Yes he kinda chewed me up and spat me out, but he still wants me. He'd be with me when I honestly can't think of why anyone else would put up with this ball of sadness. People attract what they put out, and I just can't. No matter how hard I try, I just fuck up more; become more and more afraid. No good person will ever come near I feel.

I mean, if I was good, I know I wouldn't want to pick up a pile of negativity. That'd be such a downer, that'd be pointless, and hurtful for no reason.

Sad. I'm sad.