“I hope she'll be a fool -- that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

Sometimes I really wish that I was happy, and sociable, and fun, and didn't hate the world. Sometimes I really want to live life and enjoy it.

Then I think that I'm being ridiculous, because if I want to be happy and all of that other stuff, I should just be it.

"Happiness is a choice"

But then I remember that it's not as easy as it seems. It's not just a mood thing, it's a personality thing, it's in my DNA to hate everything. And DNA is really hard to change.

That's why I hate this one girl. She's so fucking ditzy and social and confident. She has no clue what she's doing in life but she has fun, and enjoys her moments here on earth.

She moved near the ocean and can breathe in the ocean air whenever she pleases.

I hate her.

The ocean is my childhood, that I desperately crave. Its waves pull in my bones, and its winds whisper my name.

Can't she find her own ocean? Doesn't she know that its mine?

Then I think some more: if I did return to the coast, would I really do all the things she's doing right now? Would I spend whole days and nights on the sand? Listening to the sweet lulls of the tide? Would I go on coastal adventures with friends and live a summer that seems to go on forever but at the same time isn't nearly long enough?

Probably not, because of my DNA. Social anxiety, and a fear of spiders, and depression, and self-hate determine my decisions; they fuel my body. Not happiness.

I hate her because she's who I want to be. Careless and happy.

And it's just not fair. Why do I have to be me? Why do I have to be stuck with the person I hate most in this world for all of eternity?

It's not fair.

- Mint.