Well that sure was an interesting post.

I'm quitting IGA tomorrow, I decided that it's just too much for me.

Like, it's not the job I was expecting. I was told that everyone gets to do a bit of everything, which I thought included baking but no, they don't bake anything, and I don't even get to put the frozen things in the oven. I clean and package.

I didn't know that the bakery had to man the store's phones either, meaning use the intercom when someone has a phone call. That's the biggest issue for me. I remember when I worked as a cashier in a grocery store during high school, how much I hated the intercom. I couldn't do it, I'd just make up prices if something wouldn't scan, I'd pretend I couldn't see how big the line of customers was getting, and I'd pretend I didn't need a bagger all to avoid it. Because I couldn't do it then, and I can't do it now. I slur my words too much, my voice goes from a roar to a peep, and I get shaky and just shut down. I'm not going to do it.

Also, mentally, I don't think I can do two jobs right now. Especially one where I'm by myself half the shift, and where I work evenings. Working nights kills me for some reason. I feel like the evening should be spent at home. But I also feel like the mornings should be spent enjoying the day. Afternoon is the only time of day I dislike, and would rather be inside, at work. This paragraph has no importance really, I just noticed that. Shame.

So yes, the thing is, I'm quitting. Immediately.

Tomorrow is my last shift and I don't know what I'll be doing next.

But I have to. My soul is fragile and this job isn't helping any. At least I have my other job.

My dad is spending tomorrow night here because he has an interview on Monday in a town near the city.

I'm really grateful that he's coming actually. The last couple days I've been in a pit of depression. Crying way too much, needing hugs, needing home.

His interview is Monday and since I no longer work Monday, I'm hoping I can just tag along with him because I just need to be beside somebody I know right now...

Lately I'm realizing that I'm happy with nothing.

I hate daytime because everyone can see me. I hate nighttime because I can't see people seeing me.

I hate cities because it seems like everyone has someone but I'm just here, alone. I hate small towns because there aren't enough people, and so if you're standing somewhere by yourself, you stand out more.

I hate cities because you know no one. I hate small towns because you know everyone.

I hate my mom being around me because she's so annoying. I hate my mom not being around me because then I miss her.

I hate being home. I hate being here.

I hate working because I have no time for anything. I hate not working because I have too much time.

There's just so much hate running through my veins and I just wish everything would stop being so contradicting in my mind. I hate it, and I hate myself for having these views and opinions.

I also hate myself for being fearful of everything. Because I've noticed now, I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of looking out my window, I'm afraid of walking downstairs, I'm afraid of red lights because everyone stops around you and can see you. I'm afraid of being in people's way. I'm afraid of parking, and walking, and blinking, and breathing.

I'm afraid of people. So goddamn much, it's insane. Because, people are everywhere, and you can't escape them. You can't escape the eyes.

It's so dumb though, because you are truly just an ant. You are of little to no importance to any of the other ants around you. You are tiny, and you look like everyone else. No one seriously cares. Fuck, I don't even care. But for some stupid reason, I think everyone cares, even though I know they don't. I think that a spotlight follows me everywhere I go, and that all eyes are on me at every moment, and it's so scary. People are so scary.

What I'm trying to get at here is, my anxiety and depression are getting out of control and they're definitely bumping heads, and coming together to crumble up my entire life (not that I really care about this "life" I've got going on). I should probably see someone, but I won't. I won't ever, because what are they going to do? Seriously. They'd give me little tasks and exercises to do so I could cope and get over it. I'd look at it and see bullshit. I'd lie in sessions, I'd censor myself, I wouldn't want to take medication. So what's the point?

I'd like not to be scared anymore, and I'd like to enjoy things. But I know that it's not going to happen. I know that these mountains are too tall to climb. I know that I'm too weak to complete the journey.

- Mint.