Dear Brain: Stop answering your own questions, it's not fair to the other children.

I made it through the weekend without a binge which is really good because it means that I'm actually getting somewhere.

Today is my fast day and it's going pretty good so far.

I always think it's weird when people count how many legit hours they've been fasting and post it on tumblr.

"5 hours into my fast! <3"

I just don't get it.

I remember last year when I was doing so well and accidentally fasted for a week without realizing it. That would've never happened if I counted down every minute.

Today I was looking at the scars on my legs and realized for the first time ever how bad they actually are.

It's weird remembering my brain telling me that I wasn't self-harming, that the cuts weren't deep enough, and that I wasn't bleeding enough to actually call it self-harm. But looking at the remains, I feel like I was definitely in deep, and it's now obvious that my scissors were in deeper.

Realizing that the future is coming is scary. What if I ever want to wear shorts? What if I want to wear a shortish dress? Or what if I ever decide that I accept myself enough to go swimming? What will I do?

I don't like to think about those things.

Now that I've told a few people about all of this stuff I think it's funny how they react. Because I'm not skinny they totally dismiss the restricting and fasting and diet pills and working out and binging until I can't move, but focus on the cutting. Where in reality, they should really be more concerned about the disordered eating.

A cut is a cut. It can bleed, it can be deep, but really, a cut is just a cut. It bleeds, it heals, it sometimes leaves a scar.

But do they realize how much your body is damaged without food for just a day? Or a week? Or constant restriction, with added binges?

I don't know, I just find it interesting because I would probably react the same. There must be something programmed in out brains to be super concerned about a person who physically cuts through their own flesh.

Maybe because it's immediate? Maybe because the only thought one connects with blood is pain?

Food is totally different because our brains connect it with pleasure, and guilt, and normality, and all sorts of other things. Healthy people juice fast, religious people fast, sometimes people are too busy and just skip meals. Why is it so bad if someone else skips a meal? Or two, or three or four...

I guess that makes sense, and I guess I just answered all of my questions, and I guess my friends' concerns aren't so weirdly focussed.

Gah.

- Mint.