I feel like I'm floating in a sea of silent whispers; things are happening, but I am unmoving.
I don't know where I am.
Am I binging? No.
Am I cutting? No.
Am I being healthy? I don't know.
Am I restricting? I don't know.
Am I sad? No?
Am I happy? I don't knowwww
I feel like I'm restricting but as soon as the thought pops up, "Don't eat!" "Too many carbs!" "Too many calories!" "Eat later!" I listen, I obey, but I immediately repress it afterwards so it doesn't linger, and so my common sense doesn't tell me otherwise.
I feel like I should get back into the swing of things again though.
But I know myself, I can't ease into anything. I go full force, and when I fail that's where everything goes down hill.
I get obsessed way too quickly and end up just fasting until I lose control.
But I think I'm ready to try again.
I'm not going to get too involved though. I'm just going to listen and repress, listen and repress. I'll become a puppet to my mind.
We'll see how things go.
A lot has happened since my last post. I'm back to being a good vegan, and my mom is even allowing it. She's watching me which is annoying, but she rarely eats anyway so I'm not forced to eat. Plus she's never here, and when she is here, I'm working.
I went out to the bar on the 21st for the very first time too. It's way too easy to get drunk there, people buying you shots and whatnot. I ended up puking up my life though.
No food + Alcohol = BAD TIME
Also thought about becoming a smoker to repress my appetite and because it looks so damn classy. But I decided against it because I really don't look like a smoker, and people would judge me when I buy them, and I'd have to talk to people on my smoke break and that's just too much.
Over Christmas I was restricting so I didn't gain any weight. And then I got the stomach flu and even fasted for a few days which was a bonus.
I think that's the main points.
I hate feeling numb, and indifferent to everything.
Sorry for disappearing again. But seriously, does anyone even read this?
- Mint.
I do. Sometimes it's hard because I don't know what to say....I relate entirely to what you're saying. I know how you feel. I hate the numbness most. I prefer being angry, or even sad, because that means I am caring about something, but that apathetic nothingness scares me because I know I don't care and I'd just rather not exist.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling this way. And the reason it's hard to comment is because I don't know what to say. I sincerely hope you are able to cheer up a bit, but I know that it often doesn't happen. If I knew some magic words to ease the pain in your mind I would say them, but all I can offer is my understanding and internet support. <3
~Scarlett
I thought I was the only one scared to start smoking because I'd have to socialise at work. I'm glad I'm not alone haha. I'm so sorry you're feeling so numb though. I really hope your mood improves slightly soon. I really care about you. Hope you're okay. Take care.
ReplyDelete