Something weird happened.

So yesterday I'm at Walmart with my mom. Everything is normal, everything is fine. We're in the cereal aisle looking at mini-wheats.

Mom takes the cart and starts walking forward, I turn to follow her and then everything is fucked.

Suddenly nothing felt real. Everything was spacey. I felt dizzy and as if I was going to pass out. I call to my mom and grab the cart, telling her I feel really dizzy. My heart starts freaking out because it doesn't know what's happening (super annoying heart, thanks). But I've felt faint on numerous occasions so my mom knows how to look after me, which is good.

She guides me to a quieter area of the store, because if I look up, everything is woozy and dream-like.

We stand there for a minute while I try to grab ahold of reality. I say I'm fine, we continue, I'm not fine.

So we check-out the groceries we had in the cart (we literally only finished the produce section, that's how little time we spent in there), and drive home. I start feeling better on the drive and am like, "well that was weird and embarrassing!"

But as we're driving down our street, mom passes our home saying she wants to show me this house down the way that she likes. And then the dissociation starts again and I say I need to go home like, now.

We get home. I take off my coat and hoodie and hat and ring and necklace because I feel like everything is strangling me. I put my hair up because I feel like it's weight is unbearable and I sit on the couch with some water.

Mom grabs me some gingerale for some sugar, you know, just trying to think of solutions.

I say I'm fine, because I feel like I am since arriving home and getting comfy. I've got a blanket, I'm petting my dog, all is good.

My mom's in the kitchen behind me texting someone. Everything starts getting unreal again and my panic is coming back, making me uncomfortable and scared. I ask my mom what she's doing while taking deep breaths, trying to ground myself. It's not working so I ask her to come over, NOW. It felt like her three steps over to me took FOREVER.

I've never actually had a full-blown panic attack before. Usually I just experience symptoms sporadicly, and if I distract myself or leave the situation, it will usually go away. There was one time when I was watching a House episode (I was like 15/16) where I had a panic attack, but it was still easily managed once I grounded myself and realized I wasn't having a heart attack. What I felt yesterday was how I feel when I smoke weed.

When I smoke weed (which has been like 5 times in my life), I dissociate like no one's fucking business. I can't remember how I got from point A to point B, which scares me and puts my body into panic mode. I feel like everything is hazy and unreal. It feels like I'm in a really scary dream and I hate it because then I'm just sitting there for a couple hours rocking back and forth because I can't ground myself to reality.

That's how it felt yesterday. My mom came over and I basically jumped into her lap, trying to attach myself to her. Everything was fear and it felt like it was going to be fear forever. I was so close to tears. I curled myself into a tiny ball trying to hide from the world. Suddenly I remembered what this felt like. It felt like when I'd wake up from the night terrors I had as a little girl. Everything was surreal, it took awhile to realize that I was awake and there was only fear until then.

I eventually got out of it, but it took like a good hour and a half from start to finish. And then all day after, I still felt kinda spacey and if I wasn't careful I'd slip out of it again.

At one part of the day, I went to bed because the comedown made me exhausted. I was trying to fall asleep to speed up time but I kept having these like, snapshots of memories, and bad feelings associated with them; there was fear and a huge pit in my stomach like something bad had happened.

I've always low key thought I've experienced trauma when I was little, but that I've repressed the memories of it all.

I think this because:

1. I can't remember hardly anything from when I was ages 6-12. I remember a lot from when I was five, and from when I was thirteen up, but I barely remember anything in between. If I do remember something, it's not a complete memory, it's like an illustration in a story book. I see a picture of something that happened, and know the summary of said event. For example, I remember being in the school's choir when I was I don't know how old. 10? 11? 12? For how long, I have no idea. I don't know how I became a part of it, I don't know what happened during, I just remember one time standing in front of the school, sharing a microphone with two other girls, and then another time where I was sitting on this box, waiting for practice to start. That's literally all I remember. I don't remember faces, stories, songs, nothing. Just those two pictures which tells me at some point in my life, I was in choir. Also, all my memories from that time are in the third person account. Most of the time, the camera is like right over my shoulder so that it's CLOSE to being first person, but I can still see the back of my head (like in the microphone snapshot). And then other memories are super third-person, where I'm like standing in front of myself (the memory of me sitting on that box swinging my legs).
2. I know I've forgotten chunks of things before. One time I was in this dude's bed at like midnight, mid conversation and was like, "Woah how did I get here?" Because the last thing I remembered, I was at my house, it was like not even noon and I was by myself playing Mario Kart. He didn't believe that I'd completely blacked out like 12 hours of my day.
   I also can't remember having sex with any one other than BB. I can remember stuff that happened after, or I see an image of them on top of me right before it starts, but I don't remember the actual event, drunk or sober.
   Also, before BB I've almost blacked out every drunken night I've ever had and only remember the smallest snapshots, but like, WHY. I remember drunken nights starting around half a year into our relationship, but before that, only snapshots again.
3. People with BPD apparently are highly likely to have experienced trauma as a child, and as we all know, several doctors have suggested that BPD is something I suffer from. Even if we take out individual symptoms of BPD that I have such as: chronic depression, anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal tendencies, intense rage, impulsivity, identity disturbance, unstable relationships, black and white thinking, and feelings of emptiness/worthlessness they are all also symptoms of unresolved trauma.
4. Other enormous red-flags I remember doing as a child that I try not to think about, and definitely haven't talk to anyone about because it's uncomfortable and not normal.

The snapshot memories I had while laying in bed felt like a movie trailer. You know how they kinda flash an image and it slowly fades to black and then flashes another etc? It was like that. It flashed a picture of this duplex I lived in when I was 6/7. It was cloudy, dark and cold feeling. Then it flashed an image of me running/falling down the stairs that went from like the upstairs bedrooms to the living room/kitchen. Then it flashed to like me going down the other set of stairs that lead to the basement/falling on the platform halfway between, looking up all scared as if I was going to be grabbed or something. Then there was like slowly zooming pictures of the upstairs bathroom then the downstairs bathroom with the feeling of extreme fear.

I sat up after all those thoughts came through because it was too much; and when I did sit up, it felt like I was waking up from a dream. I had to remember where I was and everything.

So what I'm getting at here, is that I think something really bad happened to me when I was little. And I think the memories are wanting to come out. And I really don't want them to come out. I'm actually really afraid of them.

I'm hoping that I'm just making this fear up, and that nothing bad actually happened. But then my mind laughs at me being like, "yeah, and pigs can fly" because I feel like I'm kidding myself when I'm trying to convince myself that nothing happened.

That's how real it feels. It feels that there is no doubt, that this happened, and that I'm going to remember it soon. And it's really scary.

Today I still feel kind of spacey. If I'm not careful I can feel myself start to leave reality again. When I'm walking around the house I feel taller than I should be. Sometimes there are split second flashbacks of being somewhere else. They're too quick to hold on to but it's scary. I feel like I'm going to go back into a very traumatic and real-feeling flashback at any given moment and it's terrifying. You shouldn't be able to have bad dreams when you're awake. It shouldn't happen.

I'm afraid to go finish grocery shopping with my mom because I'm afraid it'll happen then and I'll embarrass myself by crying and shaking or screaming or some shit.

If anyone at all has ever experienced anything like this, please PLEASE comment sharing your story. Because even writing this post felt like I was writing a horror movie (thank god for B sending me her distracting cupcake pictures LOL). Or better yet, tell me that I'm just building this all up in my head, because I'm honestly scared as fuck.

Thanks,

Mint.