Nuthin's more gorgeous than a hundred dolla bill...

Nothing is the same anymore and I hate it.

I can't tell if it's due to literally NOTHING happening in my life, or due to the fact that I actually miss the past.

I know shit is different regardless, but I'm just wondering how much it's actually affecting me...

I don't know.

If I could go back two and a half years I would. Even though I was sad and thought that everything sucked, I was happy and much more vibrant back then. I had friends, I went out, I bought shit...

I'm literally stuck here doing NOTHING and no one will fucking hire me and I don't know what to do to get out of this anxious rut since all that I've been surrounded by for the past year almost is ISOLATION...

It's so sad when your 53 year old mom has a 200% more energetic social life than you when you're "only" 23. 23... ugh, I'd rather be dead.

I didn't think I'd make it out of my teens. But then I turned 20 and had an awesome year. Like an AMAZING year. But then nothing really happened. Like ENOUGH happened for me to feel okay, but I didn't get to live the two best years of my life... and now I'm here.

The city I live in is owned by people the age of 19-21, so I feel older than I should.

I wish I could die.

I wish I wasn't afraid of everything. I used to be afraid of NOTHING. I worked at it, but I eventually had no fear within me...

I wish I had a release.

I don't know... I've been officially single for almost a week. BB and I ended it on like melancholic terms. It fizzled out. And because it fizzled, I feel like it's real. Because our relationship is nothing even close to fizzle... so yeah.

I was lonely while with him long-distance, so I figured that it was a sign that we should take advantage of the numbness and disperse now.

But, feeling the way I do right now, if I could get remotely close to feeling how I used to by being in a boring fucking relationship, I would.

Now that's when you know that death is a better option...

I've been having fantasies of self-harm lately too. I miss when I could release emotions through slices in my skin. It was calmer, and fuzzier, and I don't know... no one would know that I did it, IF I did it. What would it matter to anyone? Another line on an already ruined canvas...

 Just thoughts.

- Mint.