To be, or not to be.

Sometimes being given time to reflect is a very bad thing.

In my case, it leads to overthinking. Overthinking to the point where my mind is running a track. The same thoughts, over and over. But! After a lap is completed, the track shrinks into a slightly tighter circle, so it takes less time to run. It keeps shrinking smaller and smaller and smaller until I'm just spinning the fuck around on my toes. I pass out, and when I wake up the track is back to normal size. I get up and start running again...

This has been my way of thinking since high school at least. This is why I never do anything. I never know what I actually think about anything, my opinion changes daily. I argue everything so well on each side that I can never make a decision.

I hate it. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know how to make money. I'm afraid to do anything and everything and people scare me and I'm afraid to exist and I'd like to dissipate please and thank you.

Also, I think I'm over wanting to work in fashion, and I think I'm over wanting to move to Vancouver. The only thing I like about Vancouver is the ocean. That's literally it.

And what would I do in fashion anyway? Well like there's a shit ton of options but I mean, the fashion industry as a whole is very superficial. YES, there is a small, smalllll niche you could get into where you'd work with people who understand it as an art and appreciate it in that style as well. But mostly you're going to be with cocky motherfuckers who come up with random aesthetic ideas because it's "trendy". I'd be working with people who live off of networking, people who backstab, people who only care about names (I'm terrible with names), and all that good shit. I'm not feeling it.

I'd really like to write a book. B wants to write a children's book and I'd love to be a part of it. Her and I are great at working together, bouncing ideas off of each other and shit.

But on top of that I'd really like to get my poetry published. Which is like, RIDICULOUS to talk about. I mean, poetry is a hard thing to live off of.

I could put it all together in a book, but I was also thinking of different ways to present it such as the way I did with the "Breathe Deeply // Breathe deep" post I did there. Mix photography with it, print it out on posters. Make the poetry part of an art exhibit, put it in paintings.

Again, hard to live off of, but I'm thinking here.

If I were to actually want creative writing and fine/graphic arts to be my livelihood, I'd need to go to school. Like most definitely. Because, I'd need connections, I'd need to immerse myself in it entirely, I'd need my mind to expand and be one with the universe.

Which I think I could do, the mind thing that is. Because I can feel my brain understanding things on an abstract level. Like it's understanding things without explanation, and explaining things to me without explanation too... you know?

Anyway... the problem with school is that:

1. I'd have to get in. Meaning make a portfolio, and beat a gazillion other way better people who are applying for the same thing.
2. I'd actually have to ATTEND school. Meaning, getting over a lot of crippling anxiety.
3. I'd have to wait ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO START IN SEPTEMBER OBVIOUSLY.

I guess in the meantime I could just try to get my shit together. Start taking photos, start painting more, make sure I write daily, make mini projects, learn about graphic design...

Ugh why couldn't I just have wanted to be a dental hygienist or some shit like that... It'd be so much easier!!

- Mint.