Holy fuck it's the 7th.

How the hell is it already the 7th? What have I even been doing these last few days?

I can't remember exactly what I've done but I know it includes feeling sorry for myself, alcohol, and at night, if drunk Mint is still awake, singing sad songs at the top of my lungs over the edge of my deck. It's drunk Mint's new favourite thing to do apparently. She's waiting for someone to applaud, and for romance.

I really do hate these pills though. They make me sleepy and hurt my stomach. And as soon as you put any liquor into me, I pass out in like an hour. One of these past few days I like forced myself through it, and forced myself to stay awake. I think I was up until 11.

Yesterday, I passed out (ps is it past or passed because I really have no idea) at around 2, woke up at 6, and couldn't fall asleep until 5. Then woke up near 11 this morning. The reason I couldn't fall asleep is because I was just feeling really fucking anxious and terrible about myself.

SO THESE PILLS AREN'T EVEN WORKING.

IF ANYTHING I'M FEELING WORSE.

I'm fucking afraid to leave my apartment. I'm scared of anyone looking at me, noticing my existence. I'm afraid to drive. Like FUCK. ME.

The depression is bad right now too. I'm so fucking alone and everyone around me is so busy and going here and going there. Doing this and that, planning, succeeding, trying. I'm just here. Literally just sitting here.

My mind is so corrupt I can't focus on anything. I have no ideas or thoughts, just negative energy. I've destroyed my mind. And I'm only 20. Like what the hell am I going to do?

Anxiety and depression stop me from doing anything. It stopped me from taking French, it stopped me from school all together, made me quit my bar tending course, pushes me away from people, mutes my mind from hopes and dreams.

LIKE FUCK. This is so not far. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and I'm wasting them away by being afraid to go outside.

It's not fair. What the hell did I do to deserve feeling like this? Why the fuck can't I stop it.

Mind over fucking matter. Why can't I get it? Why do I fight myself, contradict myself. I hate me. I hate my brain. I hate what my life is.

- Mint.