I need to get out.

I was just thinking about how creative I used to be before university.

All I did in school was doodle. I used to love drawing on the desk the most. The feeling of the pencil on the varnish felt so smooth. I remember once in grade 12 my math teacher almost gave me detention for doodling on the desk so much (I didn't own an eraser).

Another time in grade 12, when stuff started getting really bad, and I wasn't even trying at all. I'd sit there during my exams and just doodle all over the pages and then hand it in.

I remember in 6th grade when my teacher wanted me to get my stories published. I remember roleplaying in the neopets chat rooms. Creating worlds and building them with others.

Grade 12, spring break. I got a few friends to come over, and we spent the afternoon drawing on the sidewalks with chalk. We filled about half the block and we made it into the paper.

The very first thing I wanted to be when I was little was an artist. And then a singer, and then an actress until I was 13.

I remember getting my first camera when I was 12, about to turn 13. It was a crappy digital one, but I got so into it so quickly, I decided I needed something better. BOOM, dropped $500 on a camera with major zoom and macro and I just went to townnnnn.

When I got into film, whenever I'd have a roll developed, the lady at the counter would always comment on how she liked my photos.

When I was a cake decorator, my old boss from the deli was adamant about me changing my degree in school to fine arts.

When I create something, apparently I do it well.

I made videos, I wrote scripts, I had ideas, dreams, imagination. I had thoughts.

I was never interested in jobs that weren't creative. I didn't think anyone was actually. But as we started growing up people started speaking about accounting, and geology, and science, and teaching, fucking law. I was honestly bamboozled. I thought they were kidding, trying to sound mature. But I'm starting to realize that they might actually be into that sort of thing.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to here is that I think I might be onto something. I think what stops me from moving forward is not knowing exactly which steps I'll be taking, and exactly where I'll be going.

Whenever I try to think of like a "life plan" it always includes every individual step. I make the plan soooo exact that I get overwhelmed because, "what if it doesn't work out?" "what if I'm not good enough?" "what if I get bored?" "is this really what I want to do?"

I ask myself these questions and then get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. So I should stop that.

Also, this "creative block" thing I've got goin' on here. This, "haven't been doodling and drawing and having ideas" thing. I think it's because I've gotten too trapped in my own mind.

I've built walls keeping myself in, keeping the world out.

And if I'm stuck inside myself, how can I get anything out? If the outside can't get in, how can it have any influence on my mind?

I need to get out. I need space to stretch and breathe. I need to be able to open my eyes again. I need fluidity. I need infinity.

I need to figure out how to do that.

- Mint.