He sent me this the other night:

It's so adorable.

BB and I usually act like children most of the time. We make fun of each other, bother each other, play fight, play tricks; always just goofing off. Sometimes I forget how deep he actually is.

We got him to Lloyd yesterday using my car and his gas money so that he could finally do his orientation to be able to start work today. His company payed for the hotel for the night so I decided to stay because I don't know when I'll see him next and because I miss the fuck out of this little fucker.

We decided to watch a movie after dinner and he needed munchies for the movie, neeeeeeeded, so he nicked out to the store real quick without me and I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF BEING BY MYSELF WITH HIS SUITCASE.

See, the last week or so he's been at his grandmother's and has been bored as fuck. He has my ipad so that we can talk while he's in camp because his phone is fucked right up again, but ipad games can keep one occupied for only so many days.

One day I suggested that he start a blog and write stuff down to pass the time and he totally did. He wrote for like an hour the first time. He said he wrote about all the things on his mind, his family, me, and how he felt about starting his new job and everything.

As soon as he said he wrote about me I was like OMG LEMME READ IT. And of course he said no because it's personallllll.

But fuck, this boy is so mysterious sometimes, I just had to find a way to read it.

So, as soon as he left, I raced over to the ipad and took a peak lmao I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT WAS INVADING HIS PRIVACY, I'M A CURIOUS PERSON OKAY?

He really did write a shit ton lmao, dated it and made paragraphs and everything which for some reason I thought was really cute.

I only really skimmed through it all because I didn't have much time so I read about me first >:3

AND IT WAS SOOOO CUTE OMGGGGG.

He was saying how he's so lucky to have me, how helpful/supportive I've been for him, and how he doesn't know what he'd do without meeeee. He also wrote about how he's excited that we're both slowly getting our shit together because it's better for us and so we can move in together. He mentioned about how he's worried about my drinking and self-harm and junk but that's not a cute part of the story lmao it's just nice to know that he's actually 100% sincere when he talks to me about it.

He talked a lot about his mom too. Until a month ago he hadn't talked to her for 5 years. She used to be a crack head and stuff, but she's clean now and is going to school. He wrote about how he once really hated her and that maybe that's why he had a lot of built up frustration the past few years. But he's glad that their relationship is on the mend.

He wrote about how he wants to be closer to his aunty and grandmother, and how he hates when he gets in fights with them because he really doesn't mean to hurt their feelings, it's just a heated moment thing.

He also wrote about how he's really a super loving guy, but not everyone sees that and it makes him kinda bummed out LOL AWEZZZZ

Anyway, I'm super glad I looked at his lil' journal entries. It was so sincere and I liked to be able to see what's exactly in his head. Just because of all the things people say about him or think about him, my mind likes to second guess the relationship I have with him and always wonders the sincerity of it all.

My time with him yesterday was so good. I felt whole again and all smiley again.

We had a silly string fight while we were driving in the car (it's not safe I don't recommend it lol); I got mad at him for some reason and was trying to give him the silent treatment when we got lost on this dirt road trying to find the orientation office and he kept trying to make me laugh when suddenly he just STOPPED the car in the middle of the road and put the hazard lights on and was like, "WE ARE NOT MOVING FROM THIS SPOT UNTIL YOU LAUGH GODDAMMIT!" and then started tickling me and kissing me all over and I wasn't even mad to begin with lol; I got to sit with him in this room while he did his orientation booklets and we had these wheely chairs and just kept pushing each other on them, fucking each other up; we had a massive pillow fight in the hotel room, which led to like this weird wrestle match thing lol; we got ice from the ice box and then kept hiding from each other around corners and jumping out to scare the other; and then we finallyyyyy got to snuggle and go to sleep.

I missed falling asleep with him so much omg, and our cuddles. Never has anyone been more comfy than BB.

I was big spoon for a little bit before we fell asleep and he was holding my hand and every so often he'd kiss it and I thought it was adorable.

When I'm with him I feel part of a whole, and I feel like this world was meant to be conquered together. Us and the world, and that's all there is.

Sometimes when we're quiet, like when we're smoking together or driving, and are lost in our own thoughts, I'll catch him looking at me, just smiling. Not his cheeky smile, or sexy lip bite smile, or laughing smile, but a really soft one.

"What?" I'll say laughing.

"Nothing." is how he always replies; still looking, still smiling.

He loves me, he really does. This is something I never thought would happen to me. I've even written it down in this blog probably multiple times.

"I will never be loved."

But now I am. It's an odd sensation, finding someone you didn't even know you had lost. I just hope that I don't ever lose the rest of my whole, that's a feeling I don't ever want to find.

UGH NOW I MISS HIM AGAIN.

It'll be better once I know his set schedule though. The lady said that a lot of the crews are being moved around right now so for his training he's going to be all over the place, WHICH MEANS THERE'S A VERY VERY SMALLLL POSSIBILITY THAT HE COULD HAVE MY BIRTHDAY OFF LMAO I won't get my hopes up thoughhhh.

I'll write about my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow if anyone's wondering!

- Mint.