I explored Marina and The Diamonds today, I'm still not too sure what I think.

I was feeling really anxious again today.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with my next semester because my academic advisor hasn't replied to me yet, and she doesn't work weekends.

So I just get to sit, and think and think and think.

I didn't have to work today which is good because work is terrible. I tried to do my school work but my brain wouldn't shut up about absolutely everything.

I started thinking about life, and how pointless it is again.

I understand that life isn't meant to have a purpose. We are all here to learn and to experience. But I mean, there are those who live to live, and others who are just here, you know?

Whenever I talk negatively about the whole "life experience" to people they get sort of preachy on me. Stating that we choose our happiness, and we choose how we live. If we're unhappy, it's because we've made ourselves that way.

But I think they just don't understand how hard it can be sometimes to make yourself happy. This is a huge discussion topic, and I regret opening this can of worms because I really don't intend on expanding it.

:3 sorry.

Anyway, today when I started get anxious, I was aware that it was because I was thinking to much, and the solution was to distract myself, because my thoughts were silly and really shouldn't be bothering me, for example:

One random thought I had was the fact that I'd have to park on campus when I go back to my university. This is troubling because it's a crowded parking lot and I'm not a confident driver. And what if I was late, and couldn't find a parking spot? I'd have to go to my class late and everyone would look at me. Also, I'd have to walk down this huge hill to get to my classes and then back up again afterwards. WHAT IF I BREATHE TOO LOUD? WHAT IF IT'S ICY AND I SLIP AND FALL? And my campus is filled with obnoxious snowboarders, so what if they make fun of me and then I like, I don't know, TRIP, or something...

Thoughts like these were flooding my head so I figured I'd do something about it. Lately when I've been feeling anxious in public, I've been reminding myself to breathe. So I did that today, took a few deep breathes and continued to do my school work.

That worked for a little bit, but then I was right back to where I started. So I decided to text a friend. But after awhile the thoughts were creeping back, so I talked about stocks with my mom (business is really starting to interest me lately, it's the oddest thing). But nothing was working. The thoughts and nerves just kept getting worse and worse.

Eventually, I wanted to cry, and cut, or drink, or sleep, or just do something to either let it out or escape. But I couldn't do any of that. So here I ammmm.

The more stressed and anxious I get, the more I worry about this weekend when I mom leaves and I'm on my own for a bit.

I don't like having to rely on others being there to make me sane, you know? I should be able to just be fine, on my own, like anyone else.

I'm bored of blogging again.

♥,

Mint.