I don't know what triggered it. BB works nights and I work days. This particular day he worked overtime and was due home at about 9 in the morning. But he owed his coke friend some money so decided to stop there first.
But he was gone for so long, I was getting worried he wouldn't bring the car home in time for me to work.
Also, the day before I sold my beloved broken civic and bought this escape that BB has always wanted. It was supposed to be "our" car. Like a family thing and we could go camping and have sex in the back and there's a sunroof. It was exciting kinda and I was just happy that I could get him something he's always wanted.
Anyway... he said he's going to be home soon and he isn't. He keeps saying he'll leave soon, but he doesn't.
Suddenly I get an email transfer for 30 bucks and I start freaking out. I phoned him and asked if the 30 was for a cab and he said yeah and I flipped.
Something about how he didn't love me, how he didn't respect me, how he got the car he wanted and then was gonna leave me, how he was probably hanging out with girls as we spoke.
I don't know. I freaked out and refused to cab. I told him that he needs to return what he took from me (the car). And he said no, and that I should cab to work or to the car.
That wasn't an option in my head apparently. So I texted my boss saying I couldn't come in. She said if I didn't come in I was fired because I didn't go in on Monday because I overdosed on my medication due to alcohol and was too fucked up.
So after that I blocked her number, blocked the store's number, and told BB that I was going to end it.
I grabbed the left over bottle of vodka (1/3), grabbed a bunch of scissors and my pencil sharpened razor and locked myself in the bathroom.
I waited for a bit to see how BB would reply but he didn't. So I went to work on myself.
After awhile I decided to run a bath because I heard that it makes the blood flow quicker/your veins surface due to the heat.
I don't like thinking about what happened after. It happens in flashes.
The water slowly getting darker and darker.
Me getting drunker and drunker, angrier and angrier with every breathe...
I texted BB angry notes about how he never loved me. I wrote suicide notes confessing my love to him.
My phone dropped in the water at some point. Still works.
I was getting angry that I wasn't dead yet and worried that I wouldn't die. So I started cutting everywhere. Harder and more frequent.
The bath water was like a dark chocolate brown with a red hue in it.
At this point I remember laughing about stuff and crying about stuff and talking in a really weird voice. I don't remember what was said but I don't think I'd want to remember anyway...
I remember texting gibberish to BB thinking that he'd "just know" what I meant. But then I remember getting mad at myself because Iwas acting more fucked up than I was; which isn't true at all.
I got bored of the tub (I had drained and refilled it 3 times) so I ran and got BB's sleeping pills and figured I'd just drown in my own blood. When I was up I made sure to lock all the doors/windows and put the chain lock on the main door so BB wouldn't be the one to find me first.
There were only 4 left in the packet and I could only open 3 of them but fuck, it worked fast.
Suddenly, I decide dying in my own blood is stupid. I decided that I'd cab to the car and drive it over a cliff.
I text BB asking where the car was but that's when I was almost gone. I got up to get dressed but passed out in bed, bleeding all over my white towel.
This, btw all happened between 1-4 in the afternoon. But I remember it so clearly being in the middle of the night.
I woke to BB opening the front door and somehow removing the chain lock so he can come in. He turn on the lights and throws the blankets off of my and grabs my arm, then sees my other arm, then looks at my leg, and my other leg. I don't know what he's saying but he's mad at me and he's yelling at me. He goes to the bathroom and sees my notes and a bathtub full of blood and yells more.
I finally clue in when he says he's phoning my mom to come pick me up because I need help. She doesn't answer so he tells me to get dressed because we're going to the hospital.
I remember protesting and saying I'm fine and idk.
It's a long night of him yelling and threatening to hurt himself because of what I did (he's obviously drunk and high).
After a long few hours we end up putting all the sharp things in our room and sleeping in the living room because we don't trust each other. He sleeps on the floor and I sleep on the couch.
So in the morning he makes me phone my mom to talk about it and she says I should be committed for a bit because I need serious help apparently. I tell her no, I was just being dramatic.
Since then, BB won't look at me or talk to me really. He says I'm not the girl he fell in love with. That I'm embarrassing. That I hurt him really bad.
He did give me a piece of pizza yesterday though. And he does text me still to let me know that he got to work safely. And asks if I need anything when he goes out.
He's super angry though... says he's thinking about what to do but I really think he deserves someone better.
I always mess up and hurt him so much. I always tell him I won't do it again, but guess what? I do it again.
I'm so hurt and miss him so much. I just want a hug... but I know he's afraid I'll break.
I weigh 130.4 now though so that's cool.
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