If I stay there will be trouble; if I go there will be double.
In the past two years of dating BB I've never debated leaving as much as I have been over these past two weeks.
There has always been reasons to go and reasons to stay, but the reasons that have been filling my head lately seem very logical and reasons that will not go away...
We fight constantly; I never get to see him, he never wants to see me.
He wants me to be a house wife. Someone who will look after him and his needs. Someone who will always be there waiting for him to be graced with his presence.
That is someone I've never ever wanted to even be like. I am a romantic yes, however I'm not in the 1950s. I'm someone who longs for an ever-lasting love, a love of equality.
Sure, I'd do the whole kid thing for him but only if we'd both do the raising and caring and providing.
Other than that, I think I'll never be able to fully trust him. I'm always worrying that he's cheating on me. I'm always worrying that he doesn't truly love me. I'm always worrying that I'm being used.
The worst thing in the world would be to have a family with him and then years past my prime he cheats on me with a younger girl and leaves me with three kids I don't want.
I don't want that. I don't want to risk that. I don't want a life where we're always fighting and I'm always worrying and always mad at the possibility of him flirting with other girls behind my back.
'Cause you know what? He still fucking talks to Shelby. This girl who lives in the city we live in and has been bothering my relationship since August 2014.
It began with me finding out that they sent selfies to one another, and that he would always lie about where our relationship was to her, that he would talk to her whenever we were in a fight, that they "missed" each other, that she wanted him to visit her, that she didn't like seeing pictures of me with him...
He always says there's nothing there and that he would never cheat. He always says she has a boyfriend, but isn't that how cheating works?
I even texted her once saying she could have him because I was sick of her ruining my relationship every time it was going good. She replied calling me a jealous bitch, saying she already had a boyfriend, and that she would do whatever the fuck she wanted.
Now, I've been in the situation before where I've been really good friends with a guy who's girlfriend gets jealous and defensive. Which is totally understandable. Whenever this has happened to me, and I don't want to lose my friend, I make an effort to talk to the girl. I make an effort to explain that I don't want to step on toes, I don't want to steal her man, and I tell her how important the friendship is to me and why. I'm always very respectful and it always ends up going well.
NOW, IF YOU WERE SHELBY, WANTING TO CONTINUE TALKING TO BB AS A FRIEND WOULDN'T YOU THINK SHE'D TRY TO MAKE ME FUCKING LIKE HER?
What's worse is I found out that he was talking to her the night I was trying to kill myself. I was in a bathtub filled with my own blood and my boyfriend was saying "Heeeeeeeey" to a girl who was asking him to come visit her at work.
He also always deletes their conversations so I can never know all of the conversations they've had...
SHE'S EVEN PHONED HIM BEFORE.
So, this is bothering me like really bad. It gets worse and worse and worse and I think I might just leave him because of that. I've asked him to stop talking to her many times. I even sneakily blocked her number on his phone before, but nothing works, they still talk behind my back.
Like, if this girl is soooo important that he'd risk his relationship just to talk to her, then fuck, talk to her all you want because I'm done.
The problem is I'm waiting to get my damage deposit back after our lease is up at the end of June, and I'm waiting to sell this shitty car I used when my actual car was damaged.
After those things are taken care of, I can leave and go back to Kelowna. This city is too ghetto for me anyway.
Obviously this is a big decision. Obviously I've been thinking about it for a while now. Well two weeks ago I guess hahaha ohhhh suicide attempts, always getting you thinkin'...
I'd like to see this all work out. I'd like for my relationship to keep going. I would, I really would.
I'm going to have a talk to him about this tomorrow actually, and tell him that I'm deciding by the end of the month, just so it doesn't seem so sudden. I'm scared to talk to him though for obvious reasons. I mean no one would like to have that talk. I just know he's going to be mad about it, but it's bothering me too much.
I mean, I almost left last weekend. My clothes are still all packed...
Ugh, it's scary too; being alone again.
BB is the only guy I've ever been attracted to ever. The only one I ever thought I'd be with.
Thinking about kissing anyone else, having sex? It grosses me out, I don't like it.
Thinking about BB kissing someone else, having sex? Bringing them to meet his friends? To meet his family? I think about it so much. The girl that I could never be...
I imagine her shorter and skinnier with thick, curly, chocolate brown hair. She's Italian like me but her family is actually a family and BB loves it. She's so much fun and makes him smile, makes him laugh. She makes him the person he wants to be. The person I tried so hard to help him become...
She goes camping with him and they get into all sorts of trouble and his friends think she's the best thing since sliced bread. She even brings them all food when she's invited to hang out. She's amazing and her mind is healthy and I hate her and she makes me cry because I'm not her.
I don't wanna go... but I don't know if I can stay.
I'm really sad and anxious and don't know what to do.
- Mint.
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