Holy Shit.

Holy shit.

It's August.


I've almost spent a whole YEAR on this blog! That's sort of exciting! I've actually stuck with something (give of take a few months haha)

It's also pretty pathetic seeing as I haven't met ANY of my goals, and the only changes in myself is the scars all over my body, the extra fat under my skin, and the fact that I'm less of a human and more of a monster.

great.


I've been taking these "natural" pills that my mom gave me, they are supposed to be a mood stabilizer. I have been feeling more positive lately but I don't like the fact that I need to take pills not to feel completely pathetic most of the time.

And adding in my caffeine laden diet pills, it feels like I'm just running as fast as I can away from my problems.

It feels like I can't stop. If I do stop the shadows will consume me, I'll be lost forever. But I know they're close, really close. If I listen closely I can hear them, calling me. Trying to reel me in without a fight.

"Mintttt... Minttttt... What are you going to do with your pathetic life? Why even try? Why even wake up? Come into the shadows. Stay here, with us... Minttttt..."


But then after a second my legs automatically run harder. I have no control over them. I have no control over my mind. I can't focus on my worries at the moment, I can only keep focus on food, food, food.

I'm suddenly a health nerd. It's so weird. I have wheat germ in my freezer lol

And I'm eating a mostly vegan diet too. I have almond milk, and vegan butter! The only time I slip is at work, ooooof course.

I may be a health nerd at the moment, but I'm still a disordered one.

Yesterday for lunch at work I brought an apple and a mandarine. I don't like mandarines, but when packing my lunch I was in a good mood, and threw it in, knowing that it would make my calorie intake a little higher than planned.

Lunch time rolled around, and I couldn't eat it. I knew I shouldn't, but I also knew that it really didn't matter. I still didn't eat it though.

At least I'm eating something though, right? I'm binging far less and am losing about a pound a day on non-binge days. I just wish that I didn't need food. Or that binging didn't do anything.

Or that I wasn't so fucked up with food. Or that I was skinny. Or that skinny didn't matter. Or that I wasn't here.

Ugh.

ALSO, I've been really dizzy lately. More dizzy than normal. It's really annoying. Is there a quick fix for that? Because I seriously think that I'm going to just fall down one day at work, and that wouldn't be good lol.

Positive, positive, positive. Don't let the demons get you...


Think thin!

♥,

Mint.