I'm a sad girl.

It has gotten really bad.

I don't remember the last time I've felt this depressed, this numb, or this empty.

I'm guessing somewhere around 2011 since that's the last time I've weighed anywhere in the 130s.

*clap*clap*clap*

For the last two weeks I've been taking the anti-depressants that were prescribed to me back in December... so I honestly don't know if I feel this way because I really feel this way or because the anti-depressants aren't feeling me.

I was depressed before I started taking them, but not this depressed.

HOWEVER, I had a job before I started taking them, so maybe the excess sadness is due to that.

I don't know.

All I really know is that I want to kill myself really bad. I want to waste away into the nothingness. I can't relate to anyone it seems. I don't care about anything. I'm full of hatred and I'm full of fear.

I normally feel all of the above but it's all so amplified right now.

I'm scared to leave the house now even when I'm with someone and I can't even fake interest in people's conversations. This results in feeling extreme anxiety, guilt, hate, and disgust with myself and I end up crying in a ball for most of the day.

Also, I'm overly attached to my boyfriend. He's like a security blanket I take everywhere. He's so patient with me.

Sometimes I push him away though because I feel like he shouldn't have to be with me all the time but then I freak about because I'm scared he'll leave me because I'm not happy enough. I have abandonment issues.

I don't know what to add... I think I just wanted to gloat about being in the 130s again. I'm so pathetic.

- Mint.