I've been trying really reallyyyy hard to be happy, and to be okay. My head automatically blocks me from remembering good times as well as the bad, leaving me incredibly empty.
I crashed my car two days after getting it fixed. I destroy literally everything I touch.
After returning to my mom's house at the beginning of this month my body has ballooned with fat. I feel so full and uncomfortable, I hate how much she buys. WE HAD SIX LOAVES OF BREAD. Neither of us fucking eat bread.
The amount of food I've been surrounded by is so overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming. I want to just hide in a corner with my hands over my face. I want to hide, I want to disappear. I want to go back to how things were.
I want to go away... you know what I mean.
Everything seems pointless because everything IS pointless. I'm empty and alone and have dug so deeply into my hole of anxiety and depression that there was no turning back years ago.
I have no idea who I am or what I want. I'm too afraid to leave the house whether I'm sober or not now. I am so paranoid and worried, my body is always on edge; I'm always tense.
I've wasted my youth and I'm just an empty shell of a person. I've experienced nothing, and have connected to no one.
How could I have made this much mess, acquired this much debt, without doing literally anything? I don't get it. At what point did everything go so wrong?
I used to think I was sooooo sad and sooo lonely and soooooo helpless. But NO, fuck no; I was not even close to the lump of fuck-up I am now. I was able to hold down a job. I was able to meet friends. I was able to go places on my own. I was able to smile (even if it sometimes felt forced). I was able to look people in the eye.
I'm clinging desperately to the thought that I'm meant for something in this life. I saw a psychic. I saw a palmist. I read my own tarot cards once twice, three times. I read about my life path number. I read my traditional horoscope. I read my CHINESE horoscope. I read into my name. I read into my birth date.
Everything told me the exact same thing. But what do I do with this knowledge?
I got my mom to buy me crystals to banish anxiety and depression. Crystals for love. Crystals for joy. For abundance. For balance.
Crystals to place under your pillow at night, meant to open your third-eye.
I meditated and asked to be shown where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do, who the fuck I am. I asked to be shown signs during the day, and at night.
So far, spiders have started following me again. That hasn't happened since September 2013. They usually appear when I'm going down the right path. I remember them appearing only at times when I've been happily moving forward. But I'm not happy and I'm definitely not moving...
It appears my guides want me to stay put. Hence not hearing back about the loan I'd need for school, not being able to go back to BB's uncle's house, and not not being able to go literally anywhere because I ruined my fucking car. Which is exactly what the psychic, what the palmist, and what my cards have said: you need to rest.
The last week I've been putting different crystals under my pillow at night. Jade each night (apparently it's the "dream" stone), and then adding a mix of rose quartz, citrine, and/or moonstone.
Since doing this, I've had a restless sleep each night. I wake up after about two hours each night, and then proceed to toss and turn until morning.
I've had dreams every single night which is cool because rarely do I ever remember my dreams.
Last night though I wanted a real sign. An intense sign. So, for some stupid fucking reason I decided to put under my pillow jade, and not one but TWO moonstones.
I should mention that the first night when I put the jade under my pillow it burned my hand when I was putting "intent" into it. And then when I was trying to fall asleep, the burning went to the back of my head.
Last night when I was holding all three stones, I got the burning feeling again so I decided to just put the jade in front of me while I held one moonstone in each hand. Then I felt the two individual vibrations the moonstones were putting off. It was like their vibes were competing with each other; like when you're trying to force two of the same magnetic poles together.
As I was trying to fall asleep, thoughts were floating around my head. I had a thought of rolling into BB's arms, and as I did I got that previous burning feeling, in my heart. Could be just anxiety, could be these CURSED FUCKING STONES.
Like clockwork, I woke up about two hours later from the scariest dream I think I've ever had.
Long story short, the US government was working with aliens to conduct a worldwide "project". There was a PSA message saying that shortly everyone's homes would be invaded, and that no one would be missed. The group had a name, it was "The Water" somethings, I can't remember...
But yeah, everyone was either being murdered or rounded up and sent to concentration camps that had somehow already been made. This was being done super quick because the organization was MASSIVE apparently, and also because well, aliens.
We got the PSA in Canada and everyone was scared and confused, wondering if it was actually legit. But then I saw these massive spaceships fly into my city and I was like FUCK. In the dream I was living with BB in our old apartment. But he couldn't come home because of work apparently. So I was alone and so fucking scared. All I could do while I waited was watch people in the states live-stream their last moments online. The organization was obviously controlling it because their logo and little jingle would play before any video would start.
It was so scary. I woke up and was like, "This could literally be happening RIGHT fucking now without me knowing it."
So just to be safe, I went and slept in my mom's bed for the rest of the night and had zero dreams because there were zero crystals fucking me up.
Today I washed all my crystals, trying to get past negative energy off of them. I even smudged them for extra effect. Hopefully I sleep better tonight. Hopefully I actually get an ANSWER, and hopefully I can clear my mind.
- Mint.
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