127.8 this morning.

I'm super dreading starting this goddamn job on Wednesday.

I've never dreaded work this much before. Like, normally I'm nervous and excited but scared but excited.

But right now, it's 100% dread. I don't think I'm ready for this kind of a job right now...

I'm stressing about all the days I'll need off coming up for BB's multiple court dates (I think he has 4 this month?) and for going down to BC to celebrate my brother's one-year of being sober. He's so excited for me to go.

The last two days I've been supremely depressed because of the impending doom that is work; because I found out BB still talks to this girl that he tried to cheat on me with last year about this time (I've met her boyfriend before); because I want to leave but don't want to leave and have no idea what I should do or how I should go about it; because I don't know who the fuck I am anymore apparently.

I don't think I ever really knew who I was but I'm so lifeless and afraid of so many things that I feel as if I'm a living shell.

I have no thoughts, I can't remember anything, I have no interests, no inspiration...

I was thinking about this last night because all I've wanted to do for the last few days is sketch something, or take pictures, or write, or do anything creative. But nothing ever comes to mind and the general thought exhausts me.

I was thinking about how I only ever want to be someone else, someone else, so who the fuck am I?

I have no idea. There are all these personalities I like to dip my feet into but none that ever fit. This might actually be because of my depression and anxiety taking over my life. I just thought of that. It makes a lot of sense...

Last night I was thinking too about how I really need to talk to somebody.

I need to talk about my suicide attempt because it scares me. Every time I do something wrong I feel like absolute shit and wonder why the fuck didn't it work? What the fuck is wrong with me, I can't even fucking kill myself right. It makes me want to try again, or self-harm.

I really want to talk about the moment I had in the tub too. The moment where I lost my sanity and started talking in a weird voice and laughing to myself about I don't know what. That scares me a lot actually. What if it happens again? When I decided to kill myself I know now that it was extremely irrational but in the moment it was like, "Yup! This is what needs to be done." So I mean... it's just scary. My head.

I want to fix my anxiety and depression. Because right now I'm afraid to do literally anything by myself. Yes, there are a few moments where I can like, walk to the car myself or find something in the grocery by myself. But in general, no. It's too scary. My depression is so bad right now that it seriously feels like my head is in a never-lifting fog. Like I said, I can't remember shit.

I'd like to talk to someone about my relationship, because I know it's not right... I don't know, I just think I need to get a lot off my chest.

Sometimes talking about this kind of stuff, even to really close, unbiased friends, feels like I'm being dramatic. And I feel selfish and petty and stupid. So I think a professional is who I'd like to talk to.

Sidenote: BB did say that if I don't want to work at the job I'll be working at then I don't need to take it. But I know I'll feel guilty like I already do, and I know we need the money, and I know he'll end up using it in a fight.

He uses all my insecurities when we fight. He calls me fatso, crazy, and a spoiled princess "because mommy and daddy take care of me". He tells me I'm disgusting and embarrassing because of my scars, that he deserves better. When I walk away because I've heard enough he usually shouts something like, "Oh, you going to go cut yourself some more?"

These are during fights and I know he's saying these things because he knows it gets to me, but it hurts and again, makes me wonder why the fuck I couldn't kill myself.

- Mint.