Dear BB,

I fucking hate you.

I hate you for making me love you. I hate you for stringing me along for two years with your lies.

I hate that I trusted you again and again after you'd lie to me time after time. I hate that you're making me feel this way.

I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY.

You were supposed to be my one and only. You were supposed to love me forever and unconditionally. You were supposed to look after me and make me happy.

In the beginning everything was so magical. I fit in your arms like no other; your kiss was addicting.

You told me I was special. You told me you knew I was put on this earth for you. You gave me confidence and happiness. I was the happiest little girl, in love with her BB.

I don't want to go through all the hurt you've put me through over the past 24 months. They're already written in type, in ink, and scarred into my skin. No, I don't want to go over the mistakes you've made with us.

Can they be called mistakes if you were consciously choosing to make them?

Point blank, you never cared about me. You never loved me, never thought I was irreplaceable. I was just someone you could use to get what you wanted. That's all. Someone you can emotionally beat up when you were angry, someone you could manipulate to act how you wanted.

You disrespected me so fucking much.

You'd say how much you loved me and how you could never be with anyone else while you were actively trying to fucking fuck other girls!

You make me feel worthless, and I guess I accepted this type of treatment because I am fucking worthless.

But know what? I may be worthless but I don't need to be hurt and disrespected this fucking often. I can't stand you walking all over me.

I wish I had died in the fucking bathtub. Because I know I don't want to be without you BB.

You're the worst person in this entire world but I've seen when you were the best. Not many people get to see that BB. The best BB.

I don't want to be without you because I love you. Because you give me meaning and purpose in this terrible life. At least I had someone to hold and to love and to wipe away my tears and rip through my insecurities.

I don't want to go back to my apartment in Kelowna. You tainted it by fucking The Cunt there. That was the first time my apartment had experienced sex, and it was with you and her.

I don't want to cry all my makeup off every night onto my pillows again. I don't want to wake up without you. I don't want to do anything without you.

I don't want to be an alcoholic again. Drinking to feel numb, to pass out so I don't have to experience the day, the night. I don't want to self-harm on my closet floor again at 2 in the morning hoping that I can cut deep enough. I don't want anyone else to even try to come into my life.

Why did you do this to me? What did I do so wrong to be treated like this? I fucking love you and you don't care!

You think you care, you think you love. But you don't.

I can't remember who told me this but they said you weren't capable of love. And I think they were right.

Don't think that I'm leaving because I want to. Don't think that I'm going to have an awesome life without you.

I honestly give myself about a month before I succeed in killing myself. Because there is no fucking point in being here without you. There was no point before you, why would there be a point after you?

I don't want some "nice guy". I don't want a proper guy. You are the only one who can handle my crazy head. I am so possessive and dependent and emotional, who would put up with that?

We lasted this long because we can handle each other, because we get where the other is coming from, because we've both been through shit. Not everyone will understand people like you and I, not everyone can tolerate being with people like us.

You are truly the only guy I've been attracted to. You're the only guy who makes me feel safe no matter where we go. You're tough, and sexy, and goofy, and adorable, and you make me so fucking happy.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN US!?!?

Lying from start to finish.

I don't want to write anymore.

I fucking love you BB. But you've hurt me so much, and for too long. I love you and only you but you're making me leave you.

There's no one who can even compare to you. We were supposed to be for-eva-eva. We were supposed to get married. You were supposed to love me when I was no longer young and beautiful.

I love you the first time
I love you the last time
Yo soy la princesa, comprende mis white lines
'Cause I'm your jazz singer
And you're my cult leader

I love you forever
I love you forever.