Should I stay or should I go now?

If I stay there will be trouble; if I go there will be double.

In the past two years of dating BB I've never debated leaving as much as I have been over these past two weeks.

There has always been reasons to go and reasons to stay, but the reasons that have been filling my head lately seem very logical and reasons that will not go away...

We fight constantly; I never get to see him, he never wants to see me.

He wants me to be a house wife. Someone who will look after him and his needs. Someone who will always be there waiting for him to be graced with his presence.

That is someone I've never ever wanted to even be like. I am a romantic yes, however I'm not in the 1950s. I'm someone who longs for an ever-lasting love, a love of equality.

Sure, I'd do the whole kid thing for him but only if we'd both do the raising and caring and providing.

Other than that, I think I'll never be able to fully trust him. I'm always worrying that he's cheating on me. I'm always worrying that he doesn't truly love me. I'm always worrying that I'm being used.

The worst thing in the world would be to have a family with him and then years past my prime he cheats on me with a younger girl and leaves me with three kids I don't want.

I don't want that. I don't want to risk that. I don't want a life where we're always fighting and I'm always worrying and always mad at the possibility of him flirting with other girls behind my back.

'Cause you know what? He still fucking talks to Shelby. This girl who lives in the city we live in and has been bothering my relationship since August 2014.

It began with me finding out that they sent selfies to one another, and that he would always lie about where our relationship was to her, that he would talk to her whenever we were in a fight, that they "missed" each other, that she wanted him to visit her, that she didn't like seeing pictures of me with him...

He always says there's nothing there and that he would never cheat. He always says she has a boyfriend, but isn't that  how cheating works?

I even texted her once saying she could have him because I was sick of her ruining my relationship every time it was going good. She replied calling me a jealous bitch, saying she already had a boyfriend, and that she would do whatever the fuck she wanted.

Now, I've been in the situation before where I've been really good friends with a guy who's girlfriend gets jealous and defensive. Which is totally understandable. Whenever this has happened to me, and I don't want to lose my friend, I make an effort to talk to the girl. I make an effort to explain that I don't want to step on toes, I don't want to steal her man, and I tell her how important the friendship is to me and why. I'm always very respectful and it always ends up going well.

NOW, IF YOU WERE SHELBY, WANTING TO CONTINUE TALKING TO BB AS A FRIEND WOULDN'T YOU THINK SHE'D TRY TO MAKE ME FUCKING LIKE HER?

What's worse is I found out that he was talking to her the night I was trying to kill myself. I was in a bathtub filled with my own blood and my boyfriend was saying "Heeeeeeeey" to a girl who was asking him to come visit her at work.

He also always deletes their conversations so I can never know all of the conversations they've had...
SHE'S EVEN PHONED HIM BEFORE.

So, this is bothering me like really bad. It gets worse and worse and worse and I think I might just leave him because of that. I've asked him to stop talking to her many times. I even sneakily blocked her number on his phone before, but nothing works, they still talk behind my back.

Like, if this girl is soooo important that he'd risk his relationship just to talk to her, then fuck, talk to her all you want because I'm done.

The problem is I'm waiting to get my damage deposit back after our lease is up at the end of June, and I'm waiting to sell this shitty car I used when my actual car was damaged.

After those things are taken care of, I can leave and go back to Kelowna. This city is too ghetto for me anyway.

Obviously this is a big decision. Obviously I've been thinking about it for a while now. Well two weeks ago I guess hahaha ohhhh suicide attempts, always getting you thinkin'...

I'd like to see this all work out. I'd like for my relationship to keep going. I would, I really would.

I'm going to have a talk to him about this tomorrow actually, and tell him that I'm deciding by the end of the month, just so it doesn't seem so sudden. I'm scared to talk to him though for obvious reasons. I mean no one would like to have that talk. I just know he's going to be mad about it, but it's bothering me too much.

I mean, I almost left last weekend. My clothes are still all packed...

Ugh, it's scary too; being alone again.

BB is the only guy I've ever been attracted to ever. The only one I ever thought I'd be with.

Thinking about kissing anyone else, having sex? It grosses me out, I don't like it.

Thinking about BB kissing someone else, having sex? Bringing them to meet his friends? To meet his family? I think about it so much. The girl that I could never be...

I imagine her shorter and skinnier with thick, curly, chocolate brown hair. She's Italian like me but her family is actually a family and BB loves it. She's so much fun and makes him smile, makes him laugh. She makes him the person he wants to be. The person I tried so hard to help him become...

She goes camping with him and they get into all sorts of trouble and his friends think she's the best thing since sliced bread. She even brings them all food when she's invited to hang out. She's amazing and her mind is healthy and I hate her and she makes me cry because I'm not her.

I don't wanna go... but I don't know if I can stay.

I'm really sad and anxious and don't know what to do.

- Mint.

You're my downfall, you're my muse. My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues.

I really messed up. I tried to kill myself a couple days ago and I really hurt BB with my actions.

I don't know what triggered it. BB works nights and I work days. This particular day he worked overtime and was due home at about 9 in the morning. But he owed his coke friend some money so decided to stop there first.

But he was gone for so long, I was getting worried he wouldn't bring the car home in time for me to work.

Also, the day before I sold my beloved broken civic and bought this escape that BB has always wanted. It was supposed to be "our" car. Like a family thing and we could go camping and have sex in the back and there's a sunroof. It was exciting kinda and I was just happy that I could get him something he's always wanted.

Anyway... he said he's going to be home soon and he isn't. He keeps saying he'll leave soon, but he doesn't.

Suddenly I get an email transfer for 30 bucks and I start freaking out. I phoned him and asked if the 30 was for a cab and he said yeah and I flipped.

Something about how he didn't love me, how he didn't respect me, how he got the car he wanted and then was gonna leave me, how he was probably hanging out with girls as we spoke.

I don't know. I freaked out and refused to cab. I told him that he needs to return what he took from me (the car). And he said no, and that I should cab to work or to the car.

That wasn't an option in my head apparently. So I texted my boss saying I couldn't come in. She said if I didn't come in I was fired because I didn't go in on Monday because I overdosed on my medication due to alcohol and was too fucked up.

So after that I blocked her number, blocked the store's number, and told BB that I was going to end it.

I grabbed the left over bottle of vodka (1/3), grabbed a bunch of scissors and my pencil sharpened razor and locked myself in the bathroom.

I waited for a bit to see how BB would reply but he didn't. So I went to work on myself.

After awhile I decided to run a bath because I heard that it makes the blood flow quicker/your veins surface due to the heat.

I don't like thinking about what happened after. It happens in flashes.

The water slowly getting darker and darker.

Me getting drunker and drunker, angrier and angrier with every breathe...

I texted BB angry notes about how he never loved me. I wrote suicide notes confessing my love to him.

My phone dropped in the water at some point. Still works.

I was getting angry that I wasn't dead yet and worried that I wouldn't die. So I started cutting everywhere. Harder and more frequent.

The bath water was like a dark chocolate brown with a red hue in it.

At this point I remember laughing about stuff and crying about stuff and talking in a really weird voice. I don't remember what was said but I don't think I'd want to remember anyway...

I remember texting gibberish to BB thinking that he'd "just know" what I meant. But then I remember getting mad at myself because Iwas acting more fucked up than I was; which isn't true at all.

I got bored of the tub (I had drained and refilled it 3 times) so I ran and got BB's sleeping pills and figured I'd just drown in my own blood. When I was up I made sure to lock all the doors/windows and put the chain lock on the main door so BB wouldn't be the one to find me first.

There were only 4 left in the packet and I could only open 3 of them but fuck, it worked fast.

Suddenly, I decide dying in my own blood is stupid. I decided that I'd cab to the car and drive it over a cliff.

I text BB asking where the car was but that's when I was almost gone. I got up to get dressed but passed out in bed, bleeding all over my white towel.

This, btw all happened between 1-4 in the afternoon. But I remember it so clearly being in the middle of the night.

I woke to BB opening the front door and somehow removing the chain lock so he can come in. He turn on the lights and throws the blankets off of my and grabs my arm, then sees my other arm, then looks at my leg, and my other leg. I don't know what he's saying but he's mad at me and he's yelling at me. He goes to the bathroom and sees my notes and a bathtub full of blood and yells more.

I finally clue in when he says he's phoning my mom to come pick me up because I need help. She doesn't answer so he tells me to get dressed because we're going to the hospital.

I remember protesting and saying I'm fine and idk.

It's a long night of him yelling and threatening to hurt himself because of what I did (he's obviously drunk and high).

After a long few hours we end up putting all the sharp things in our room and sleeping in the living room because we don't trust each other. He sleeps on the floor and I sleep on the couch.

So in the morning he makes me phone my mom to talk about it and she says I should be committed for a bit because I need serious help apparently. I tell her no, I was just being dramatic.

Since then, BB won't look at me or talk to me really. He says I'm not the girl he fell in love with. That I'm embarrassing. That I hurt him really bad.

He did give me a piece of pizza yesterday though. And he does text me still to let me know that he got to work safely. And asks if I need anything when he goes out.

He's super angry though...  says he's thinking about what to do but I really think he deserves someone better.

I always mess up and hurt him so much. I always tell him I won't do it again, but guess what? I do it again.

I'm so hurt and miss him so much. I just want a hug... but I know he's afraid I'll break.

I weigh 130.4 now though so that's cool.

I wrote two poems after two years.

1. Nostalgia

For the dark hole I dug myself into years ago.

Nostalgia

For the nights I can't remember; the nights I can't seem to fucking forget.

Nostalgia

For cold metal digging into fat fucking thighs

(mommy why are they so big?)

For the blood spilling over,

The sound drops to the floor.

Nostalgia,

To be so blatantly the sad girl I still am.

(the girl I can no longer play with because she calls me names and gets me in trouble)

To be hiding but still open to express

No one to worry about aside from yourself

Because, who cares about you?

Nostalgia for when I had nothing

For when I was no one

For when I was a living ghost

I know you are a cruel jester; playing tricks in my head;

Trying to get me to take the splintered shovel once more

To jump into cold, dark, comforting surroundings...

But I love you,

And you pulled me out kicking and screaming.

Yet please understand, placement does not change what the mind is locked on to.

I'm just as dead as when you first met me

(just more sober with a little hope)

Hope that you're right; life is worth attending

(you've waken me up for this, please don't disappoint)

Oh how I long to sleep,

How I long to distract myself from my ever looming sadness with pain

Not from the heart

Quite the opposite in fact

Holes expelling from my own self-hatred

Nostalgia

How you toy with me my love...

For something I begged to be released from.

2. Please take a minute:

A timer you constantly add to,

When counting down my last.

My life being dragged out;

Stretched.

Always a fight.

Patch me up with a couple more; it'll fade but then we can do it all again

Stop holding me up like a smiling puppet

Happily and gracefully reading the lines you've provided

How long can a stern talking to keep me off the plank?

How long can a shake keep me stable?

How long can I bend until I break?

Reach until I fall...

Take your fist out of my ass.

I'm in too deep now to go abruptly,

To take the plunge.

Guess it's time once more to quietly fade away

To count the tics and the toks this life keeps echoing

Can you be as light as a feather?

Same old, same old

Same sad routine

Slow and steady wins this race,

You know how to play

You know this dance unfortunately well.

The one thing you're sort of good at:

Self-destruction.

Do you feel clever my little one?

You should be ashamed of your horror filled mind.

I'm a sad girl.

It has gotten really bad.

I don't remember the last time I've felt this depressed, this numb, or this empty.

I'm guessing somewhere around 2011 since that's the last time I've weighed anywhere in the 130s.

*clap*clap*clap*

For the last two weeks I've been taking the anti-depressants that were prescribed to me back in December... so I honestly don't know if I feel this way because I really feel this way or because the anti-depressants aren't feeling me.

I was depressed before I started taking them, but not this depressed.

HOWEVER, I had a job before I started taking them, so maybe the excess sadness is due to that.

I don't know.

All I really know is that I want to kill myself really bad. I want to waste away into the nothingness. I can't relate to anyone it seems. I don't care about anything. I'm full of hatred and I'm full of fear.

I normally feel all of the above but it's all so amplified right now.

I'm scared to leave the house now even when I'm with someone and I can't even fake interest in people's conversations. This results in feeling extreme anxiety, guilt, hate, and disgust with myself and I end up crying in a ball for most of the day.

Also, I'm overly attached to my boyfriend. He's like a security blanket I take everywhere. He's so patient with me.

Sometimes I push him away though because I feel like he shouldn't have to be with me all the time but then I freak about because I'm scared he'll leave me because I'm not happy enough. I have abandonment issues.

I don't know what to add... I think I just wanted to gloat about being in the 130s again. I'm so pathetic.

- Mint.

I'm getting really tired of blogging from my phone.

So BB and I made it to the city somehow.

I officially accepted my job this past Tuesday, we found an apartment Wednesday, and packed everything up and drove back to the city Thursday.

Now, BB and I have done a lot of illegal things before and we've gotten into a lot of stupid situations but what happened New Years Eve is ridiculous.

We had just gotten into the city, turned into our street and had gotten literally 5 blocks away from our apartment building when we get pulled over.

This is already alarming because BB doesn't have a license and he was driving.

I originally wanted to drive though because I didn't want to risk it on NYE but because we literally had so much in our car, I had to sit in the passenger seat because I could pretzel my body, and BB can not.

So, we get pulled over, for what? For BB forgetting to close our gas cap.

Once they had pulled us over and saw how much shit was in our car and how fucking dangerous it is to drive with like no vision, questions began.

The cop asked for BB's license and we said we didn't know where it was do to all the stuff. So, the looked him up on the system.

I don't know why he gave his real name as opposed to his brothers but whatever.

They look him up, say he doesn't have his license. BB says that he JUST got his learners and that his paper was in the lost wallet.

So they come over to me and ask for my license since my purse is right beside me.

I give them the license, they look me up, and they handcuff BB. Why? BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING NO CONTACT ORDER BEING IN EFFECT.

I was so scared and I was so mad all at the same time. Scared because I didn't know what ANOTHER breach would do to his case; scared because it was night time and I don't know the city; and mad because I told BB before we went to the city that we should go tell the court that we didn't want the contact order in effect; mad because BB would've been fine if he had just closed the fucking gas cap; mad because we were only FIVE FUCKING BLOCKS AWAY; and mad because my New Years was instantly ruined.

I started crying and hyperventilating and all that good stuff when the cops told me they were taking him. I told them that the crown is allowing us to hang out with each other  and that we just hadn't had the time to officially drop it because his grandma just died and this and that.

They told me that they couldn't see on the computer that anything with the order had been changed, and if it HAD been changed we would've been given a paper which we didn't have.

So yeah, they took him and I was all alone in a city I don't know, with all our belongings, on NYE.

It was sad walking into our first apartment alone. I didn't really know what to do. I just plugged my phone in and waited awhile to see if anything would happen.

The cops mentioned that if there was a change on the order it wouldn't be on the system they had in the car, but it would be on the system at the station. So if there HAD been a change he'd be released immidiately and everything would be hunky dory!

Not quite the case obviously.

I sat in our empty room waiting and waiting.

The RCMP had called my mom to tell her allll about it since she's the one who all communication between BB and I went through. Due to that fact her and I were fighting, AGAIN.

We've been fighting for the past month really. About a lot of things. About BB, about me leaving... about BB.

She was telling me to go out and get the stuff from the car because it would be broken into if I didn't. I said I was too scared and that there was a LOT of stuff to bring up and I didn't want to do it alone. She said that the cop told her that the neighborhood we're in is SOOO terrible and that I'm not safe at ALL. I said shut up its fine.

I texted B with no reply, and I texted BB's friend whom I'm friends with and all he said was "shitty".

Shitty indeed. I didn't even have the vodka hockey stick that BB and I were going to celebrate with.

I eventually texted M, my friend from high school who lives near me. I really didn't want to though since I haven't seen her for years other than the day before when I saw her walking to work.

I texted her and she called me immidiately asking if I needed her to come over to help get the stuff from the car or to just hang out.

She was hanging out with a guy friend at the time so it was even better because I had some heavy shit.

After we got everything in we drank the hockey stick of vodka in jars with icetea juice crystals and sat on pillows in the living room.

I didn't hear from BB until after midnight. He said he just got his fingerprints taken and that he thought he'd be let out soon. He told me to stop drinking because he'd need me to pick him up.

Well, instead of stopping drinking, I talked to my friends and we decided to drink for 20 more minutes and then walk downtown to where he was (another 20 minutes).

We got there, couldn't go in, waited 20 minutes more, and then walked back.

M invited me to stay at her place for the night but I said that I wanted to stay at the apartment just in case he got dropped off by the cops or needed a ride home.

Her and the dude left, I made a bed out of pillows and stayed up until around 5, waking up at 7 without hearing from him.

It wasn't until around 11 am that BB called me again. We talked until they kicked us off the phone. He said that he was waiting to talk to the justice of the peace and that there was a really long line up before him.

After hearing from him I felt better that he seemed calm and positive that he'd get out soon. I decided to unpack all the stuff we had brought in the night before just so that it seemed sort of homey for BB when he got home.

It wasn't until 5:30 pm that he phoned me asking to put $200 in his account for bail.

I immidiately texted my mom with no reply because she was driving in an area without service. So I texted my dad asking to call me.

He phoned and I had to explain why I needed $200 and the entire story that led up to that point. Luckily, he trusts in my decisions and lent me the $200.

So to speed things up a bit, there's still a no contact order (I guess BB lied about the crown saying it was okay to be together) but we can get it taken off on the 6th.

We're currently staying an hour out of the city with his auntie and uncle because the cop told me he'd come check the apartment to see if BB was breaching again.

And I start my first day of work tomorrow.

I wish this wasn't the weekend I had but whatever I guess. At least tomorrow I start making some fucking money.

- Mint.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MAIN MAN JESUS

Whyyyyy can'ttttttt IIIIII sleeeeeeeep

It's because of my new medication, duh.

I keep either having like 3 hour sleeps or no sleep at all. Today has been a 3 hour one; I woke up at 3.

Obviously this isn't the post I promised but give me a break.

At the moment I'm staying at BB's uncle's place because his grandma just died. We've been here since Saturday and we were only expecting to be here for one sleep so we didn't bring any clothes with us. That means I've been wearing the same outfit for like 4 days now I suppose... Oh and guess what! I have my third and final interview at that store today! Hope the CEO, marketing team, and merchandising team like my look ;) LOL

Thank god this outfit is respectful and like normal as opposed to some of my RISKAY outfits.

I wish I could shower though... like, I COULD shower but I'm weird and uncomfortable showering in other people's houses.

I'm uncomfortable with like everything though and it's getting worse. I always feel like everyone's watching me and judging me and making fun of me. I also feel like everyone hates me and I'm afraid of literally everything.

It's been getting worse over the past couple months so maybe my old medication actually did work for social anxiety? Or maybe it's because I literally never leave my house.

BB's been really good about making me comfortable and just looking out for me in general though. Sometimes he'll like walk me to the washroom if I don't know where it is in a restaurant or like he makes sure that I'm sitting and comfortable before he goes and does whatever when we're in public.

I feel like such a baby but whatever. At least this gets me out of the house.

Speaking of baby I think my period's late and I'm freaking the fuck out about it. I haven't been on birth control for the past 2 months because I have negative 9 dollars, so I'm freaking out even more.

BB keeps telling everyone I'm pregnant and it's so weird and uncomfortable to hear, "Mint's pregnant". And with him saying that I feel like he's jinxing me!!

I've never wanted kids in my entire life and he's all about the baby's. So like what happens if I am? He'd want me to keep it but that's just not going to happen lol we have no money, we're too young, AND I DONT WANT ONE

LIKE HELLO GOD ARE YOU THERE? CAN YOU JUST MAKE MY VAGINA BLEED PLEASE? I'D SUPER APPRECIATE THAT THANKS

LOVE YA JEEZUS

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN

I think I'll wrap this post up here for now, that's basically everything I wanted to say.

LOVE YA JEEZUS,

Mint.

It's been a year and a half...

It's been a year and a half and a lot and a little have happened I guess.

I don't know if I'm going to pick up blogging on the regular like before, but I definitely need to get some stuff out of my head so I can see my thoughts and judge accordingly.

This is going to be a long post probably (knowing me) and it's going to be followed by another long post (maybe I'll post it tomorrow depending on how exhausted I get from writing this post).

This post is going to be just an overall summary of the year and a half you guys missed (SERIOUSLY, LIKE WHERE WERE YOU?), and then the next post is going to be about BB (yes we've been together over a year and a half, and yes he's part of the reason I stopped blogging lol I didn't want him trying to creep on what I was saying and try to censor stuff he didn't like- I think he thinks that people other than B read this thing haha whatta joke!)

ALSO, I stopped writing like a year ago because nothing was coming into my head anymore and it makes me really sad so sorry if these posts are like really broken up and boring and stupid. With that being said, let the post commence!

SO, happy holidays everybody! I hope you are all well, and not stressing about family and food and feeling depressed because of how gross winter is. I wish you all the best this holiday season and if anyone is having troubles, let me know and I'll be here for you!

I'll be here for you because I have no job and really, I'm so bored that even if I was a cold-hearted bitch that didn't care, I'd probably still try to help.

I have no job becauseeeee, well it's complicated. When I left my blog last August I was just starting this job at the local coffee shop. It was lame because of who I worked with but I loved making drinks fast and the customers were always super nice (and one lady gave me a Christmas present because I was the nicest and only one who remembered her order). As soon as I started that job I quit seeing the therapist because like, I didn't like her LOOOL that sounds bad but like, yeah I didn't like her. And BB/my mom hated her because she recommended me to go get drunk at parties to overcome anxiety.

So I worked at the coffee shop, and then quit in December because I was sick of being bossed around by Nazi high schoolers that couldn't spell to save their life.

Oh and in November BB's brother, DUMBASS, came to live with us because he was working with BB. That was all fine at  first but then all of a sudden he hated me and made all these mean statuses about me on FB saying that I was like super fat and never left the house and had a moustache!? LOL LIKE WHAT? I can honestly tell you that no, I was not fat (like fat in my eyes yeah, but not legit fat); didn't leave the house AS often as before because I had no job, it was cold out, and I had no money; and DEFINITELY DO NOT have a fucking moustache.

It was really annoying because I didn't even have him on FB and didn't know about any of this until after the fact so I couldn't even do anything about it. And all BB did was come back by making statuses about Dumbass' girlfriend! WHICH ISN'T COOL EITHER. LIKE I MEAN, BB'S STATEMENTS WERE ACTUALLY TRUE BUT STILL DON'T USE EACH OTHER'S GIRLFRIEND'S TO HURT EACH OTHER.

Also Dumbass said that I was cheating on BB with my ex-boyfriend? Um I don't know if you guys remember this but uhhh, BB IS AND WAS MY ONLY BOYFRIEND.

Ugh.

Anyway, Dumbass eventually moved back to Edmonton the middle of January because he got laid off, LOL fuck you Dumbass.

BB got laid off too though :/ but it was "spring breakup" or whatever and apparently this happens every year. So he went on EI and made like $900 every two weeks without doing a thing.

Around March is when I got a job at a Clothing as the third key which was really exciting! I love retail and fashion and I'm actually going to school for it at the moment and am HOPEFULLY going to get a job in the city as a visual merchandiser at this cozy store which will be an AMAZING start to my actual career! But I'll get more into that later.

So yeah, I got the job at the store, and I was like the third boss. "Assistant to the assistant manager" they said.

After about a month queue me blocking B out of my life for a stupid reason until like, the beginning of this month (I'm still so sorry B); queue her mom getting a job as a sales associate at the same store (immediately awkward because I was higher up than her and also because I just blocked out her daughter and don't even think she's knows); andddd queue the manager being suspended "until further notice".

Basically what happened was the manager got fired because she sucked BUT, the company is so lame that they didn't want to tell us right away because they'd all have to officially give us raises. So instead the assistant manager was the "acting manager" and I was the "acting assistant manager".

This continued until July when I FUCKING QUIT BECAUSE OF REASONS I'LL GET TO IN A MINUTE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? The day after I quit I was looking for jobs and, OH! I see that the store was suddenly in search of an assistant manager. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.

When I quit I wrote a letter to the district manager saying that I'd like compensation for all my work as "acting assistant manager" (I was getting $13/hour when I was supposed to be getting $16/hour) or I was quitting because it wasn't worth it to me to deal with the "acting manager" because her and this girl she had hired kept ganging up on me, censoring me, and ripping down my work/not replacing what they'd taken down. I also said I'd be okay with relocating too but I guess the DM was on their side because she just filed my letter as a letter of resignation.

I was really upset about this because I had put so much fucking effort into this store. When I started NOTHING was sized, NOTHING was organized, the wall displays weren't completed correctly, the stock room was PACKED with clothing that should've been out on the floor, two out of four dressing rooms weren't available to customers because of even MORE stock that wasn't put on the floor, there were EMPTY grids and parts of walls, and most importantly the store wasn't making budget.

Since I started, ON MY OWN BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVERYONE ELSE JUST DIDN'T CARE OR COULDN'T DO IT I DON'T KNOW, I had sized the complete store, fixed all the wall displays, filled the empty grids/walls, and organized the entire store according to the SKUs (including the accessories- I found things from like two years ago that shouldn't have even been there). Then the team AND I emptied the dressing rooms, and stock room, AND beat our budget EVERY MONTH I WORKED THERE.

I was so happy working there. I had creative power, I enjoyed the work, and I liked who I was working with-B's mom and I got into some tiffs which was really fucking awkward for me but she eventually left so then everything was fine. Until the "acting manager" hired this "really awesome girl" named G. I heard the name the first time and was like EW, don't like it.

I met her for the first time and was like EW, DON'T LIKE IT MORE.

So let me explain why I didn't like her, BUT TRIED TO (see? I'm not a bitch! I actually try you guys!).

Imagine if you will this fucking skinny ass 23 year old who's about 5"9, brown hair, pale, wears tall boots, small rectangle glasses, and hooped earrings. To paint a better picture she comes from the east side of Canada, the side that thinks their shit don't stink. And even better!? She's French. No, not the real French, the Québec French (there's a huge fucking difference- real French people hate the Québecois because they're globally known as pompous and speak a slang version of French).

Got that in your head? Okay and now for audio, imagine her being incredibly boring, emotionless, and always talking about how she went to "hair school" but dropped out because she wants to be a secretary like her mom so now she's going to school to be a secretary (ummm, what?)

Also imagine her strutting around thinking she knows EVERYTHING about this job because she worked in this store the summer before (hence why the "acting manager", L, hired her). But guess what? SHE DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

Why? Because companies GROW AND CHANGE.

And it's okay to think you know everything until someone tells you, "Uh no, you're completely wrong." but she wouldn't listen to any of us! L didn't tell her anything because she just believed she knew everything, but everyone else would try to advise her of the changes and she just wouldn't fucking listen.

Okay, now, if you don't know ME, let me describe myself for you. I am 22 years old, WANT to be skinny, am 5"9, naturally brown hair- it's blonde at the moment, I wear tall boots, and hooped earrings. Also, I'm Italian (Northern) and have a LOT of emotion, can speak PROPER French, and I actually do know everything.

So basically she's my evil twin and I hated her.

I originally tried to like her and be patient with her, but after awhile I just couldn't handle the disrespect anymore.

She didn't put clothes away (or if she did she'd purposely put them in random spots because she's LAZY and DISRESPECTFUL), she never helped clean, one time I was talking to this lady from France and she STOLE HER AWAY FROM ME!? Saying, "It's okay, I speak French."

I WAS MINORING IN FRENCH YOU FUCKING CUNT. I KNOW PROPER FRENCH, THE FRENCH THE LADY WAS SPEAKING. LIKE OMG WTF IS WITH THE DISRESPECT? She even came up to me after and was like, "Omg I didn't even know half of what she was saying because she was speaking like, the fancy French" T_T

This is when L and G started ganging up on me.

*Side note: omg my computer jut fucking turned off and I was going to LOSE IT if everything had deleted. THAT WAS SCARY!

So, they started doing little things like, on Thursday's I'd open the store, and G and L would close it. I'd complete my day (creating a new wall display) and then come back the next morning to find my wall torn down and all of the clothes would be on a row rack in the changing room.

This happened multiple times and I was given no explantation as to what I did wrong, or what I could do differently.

Another time L and G completely censored me. I had noticed that it was becoming common that nights where I didn't close, I'd arrive in the morning to find the mall gate wasn't closed properly. This is obviously a big deal because we don't want to get ROBBED so I expressed what had happened to everybody. Not just the ones I knew had done it.

BUT, it kept happening. So I reminded everybody by writing in the "communication book", which is meant for little notes that everyone needs to know so that the store can be improved.

This is literally what I wrote, "Hey guys! Just a note to double check that all of the pegs on the mall gate are pulled down before leaving at the end of the night so we don't get robbed! >.< Thanks!"

NOW, please tell me, because I'd love to know, WHERE in that sentence am I being disrespectful, rude, or out of line? Because if you could find it PLEASE tell me.

Next thing I know, my message is blacked out, and then covered with another note saying something irrelevant. I was so shocked.

I asked L what was wrong with what I said and she said it was rude. I apologized saying that I disagreed but let it be, because it's useless to let it bother me. EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS THE RUDE ONE.

It's important to note that during this time I was sort of off my rocker (around April-July). I won't totally get into it on this post but, I had found out that the rumours from the year before WERE true. That BB had indeed, cheated on me with that girl, C, that weekend B and I went to Kelowna.

I found out that they slept together AGAIN the night before I came to Kelowna to pick BB up. So he had lied about what day he was getting to the apartment so he could be with C, and then fucked her. In my apartment. The day before I got there and got back together with BB.

I also learnt by reading the last FB messages they had sent to each other that they were apparently "in love".

Oh and I also found out that the week before I was reading all of this,  he was trying to meet up with this girl in a different town to have sex with.

SO YEAH...

When I found all this out he was actually out with friends. I sent him everything I was reading (the "I love you"s with C, the, "OH! It's so funny that Mint doesn't even know!", and the newly recent "Hey sexy, let's meet up next week"), told him it was over and to get home right away because I was packing up his shit and needed it out of my house immediately.

I got drunk while doing this obviously because I was having a massive panic attack and was just so baffled at what had happened. I felt so stupid and used and hurt...

This was the first time I officially tried to kill myself.

I got a box-cutter and did seven deep cuts on my arms. Five on my right, two on my left. That's when BB arrived home and stopped me from doing anymore.

It's a long story, but in the end we decided that we wanted to work through it. He said that he never loved C. He just said because she said it and because when we broke up for that week that July, he was so lost and upset and drunk and high, he didn't know what to do. And C was there AND YEAH I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

With the other girls, he never planed on meeting him. It was during when our relationship wasn't the best and he thought it was going to end and he needed a backup plan.

This sounds weird, but I believed him (I'll get into why on the other post). I couldn't come back right away though. I'd cry randomly when the thought would pop into my head, of him and her, her and him...

I'd cry and he'd hug me and say sorry over and over again.

We didn't have sex for the longest time and when we started again I'd start crying when we were kissing or when we were actually in the middle of it.

He was very patient.

Even though things were looking like they were coming back to normal, I was still very upset about the whole situation (still am). Queue to my second suicide attempt.

BB and I were drinking one night (just us), and when I drink now, I really get stuck on what happened. This night was particularly bad. I told BB I was going to sleep and instead started cutting and cutting my arm with an old razor blade. Somehow I got one really good cut in there and it just poured blood.

Eventually, my arm had gone completely numb and I was really pleased and slowly passing out (hoping that I could just drain out peacefully while I slept). This is when BB came in and got extremely mad at me.

He yelled at me, saying, "Is this how little you care about me? About our relationship? About you? Your family?"

I said, "Nothing really mattered, you fucked C. Our relationship is a lie. I'm no good, you'll find someone better."

*Fun fact, I saw C like a week after finding out all that stuff at a party (she wasn't supposed to be living here) and I flipped and left cry and told BB that he should stay with her and everyone's like, "What's her problem?" and C just fucking laughed.

ANYWAY, he kept yelling at me and grabbed my arm, shoving it in my face, getting blood all over everything.

Then he turned it on me and grabbed a piece of glass from our broken mirror. He said that if nothing matters then why should he be left here?

Long story short, I had to stop him from trying to kill himself and then we talked and cried and yeah.

SO YEAH

This is why work was weighing more heavily on me than it should have.

At the beginning of July I took a week off due to my mental health not being there like at all. I went to the doctor and she gave me a prescription for ten pills of Ativan. If you've never taken it before you take it when you start feeling panicky and within ten minutes, you're fucking stoned.

To me it felt like I was in a dream and I didn't care about anyone or anything and I fucking loved it.

My mom took my pills away from me though because she didn't like their "effect" on me. Which was rude and mainly the reason I quit my job.

*Side note: let me grab a drink, writing that part about BB and C just is making me feel so anxious (p.s it's 1:18 in the afternoon)

So, the day I quit my job was a mess.

The DM was in town, directing everyone to do this and that, the store had lots of people in it shopping, and I wasn't feeling good as soon as I walked in.

I get there, and L (who I talked to a week prior about how I couldn't work directly with G because it just wasn't working) decided to have G and I "refresh the sports wall".

I looked at her straight-faced and was like, "... kay."

G immediately started refreshing, without us even discussing how we should go about it, and I immediately walked in the complete opposite directly to pretend to fold jeans.

After a little bit, CG, my favourite person to work with and like my only friend at the time came over to see what I was up to. I started ranting and she started ranting and it just really got me going.

I was upset as well because L had a plan to get CG fired. Which was unfair and here's why:

1. L had no legitimate reason other than CG was late one day because L was suppose to give her that day off and she didn't know she worked. Because of this late, it counted as her third time, and gave a small opening for her to fire CG with the permission of the DM (which was going to go down that day)
2. This was the only job CG had EVER had. Imagine how bad that looks on your résumé if the only job you had, you were fired from.
3. L wasn't even warning CG or trying to make her better so firing wasn't necessary.

It was all just a really rude and  disrespectful way to handle things I thought.

L only told me about this in confidence so prior to this day I was trying to warm CG in my own way.

I knew she hated how the store was turning due to G and L. I knew she was wanting to leave because of them. I knew she didn't feel respected by either of them, and I knew she wasn't happy.

So I told her she should leave if she's not happy. We talked about it a lot prior to that day actually.

That's when I told her what they were planning for her. I said, "Seriously CG, you need to get out of here before you résumé is ruined." then I hear the ding saying that the truck is in the back with our stock.

L, G and the DM, aren't paying attention and CG was the only one who was on cash that was actually putting people through (G was the other cashier but wasn't helping CG at all).

I went and started doing stock and it was nice and quiet and I began to start cooling down. UNTIL, suddenly L was in the back with me, trying to help get the clothes on the row racks to bring out onto the floor.

I kept telling her that I needed people finding room for the clothes on the floor, not help getting them to the floor.

Next thing I know L is still in there, G is there too talking to her about nothing, and the DM too who was on the phone.

I reach a mini breaking point and say, "NO ONE ELSE IS ON THE FLOOR OTHER THAN CG? WHY IS THAT? WHY DO YOU GUYS NEED TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION HERE?"

So then I just gave them my job and went onto the floor to help CG and to find room for the new stock.

While I'm trying to think about how to swing this, I end up getting frustrated and stop because I know L and G are just going to make me re-do it.

I was so frustrated! Like, I couldn't do anything it seemed! But without me doing everything nothing was getting done!

As I'm having this realization I see G coming from the back with ONE, count 'em! ONE garbage bag. And she walks out of the store to go put it in the dumpster. WHAT THE FUCK

1. Stock isn't finished, there's going to be a LOT more garbage to put out, why does she feel the need to throw this one away? It was only half-full to boot!
2. The store is busy, this is not the time to be taking out garbage
3. SHE IS THE SECOND FUCKING CASHIER!! SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE!

This is what broke me. I shouted at her, "Oh yeah! That's a great idea! Have the second cashier take out half a bag of garbage!!"

I roll my eyes and turn to CG, "I'm so sorry CG but I can't take this anymore, I need to go, now."

She nods and gives me a hug trying to hold back tears.

I walk up to the cash desk, throw my keys on the counter and walk out, not even signing out to say I was gone.

I get outside and at this point realize that my boyfriend has my car! He's at work for another few hours! He'll yell at me for quitting the way I did! I had no where to go!

I sit on a picnic bench around the corner from the end of the mall and have a smoke. I block the store's number and L's cell phone number and think about what I had just done, and what I should do next.

I eventually just go to the hotel next door and wait for BB in the lobby to get off work.

After sitting there for about an hour I get a text from CG saying that L and the DM just took her into the back room and had a weird conversation with her, basically trying to get her to leave since it'd be so difficult to actually be able to fire her. She stated that she was on lunch and was wondering if I was still nearby.

She came and joined me in the lobby, crying, saying that they were like, "Why do you even like this job? Why would you want to stay here? Do you even want this job? You don't, do you?"

Like really fucked up questions. It ended with them telling her to go on lunch and to come back with a decision.

We talked about it and she eventually went back and quit, leaving by saying, "Oh by the way, Mint quit too and has been gone for two hours without you guys even noticing. You might want to sign her out so you don't have to pay her any more for not being here."

So yeah, they lost two employees in one day, and were left with L, G, a very pregnant girl, and a lady who worked only four hours a week.

Apparently the store went to shit instantly.

I was sad about how things ended, and obviously it's not good for references but whenever I tell the story to future employers they're like baffled and entirely on my side, THANK GOD.

So then I didn't work for about a month. I got this OTHER job at another clothing store as the third key holder and was hired on the spot because the manager was my old manager from Safeway so that was awesome. She was also pregnant and said that when she left I'd be bumped up to assistant manager so that was cool.

I tried to kill myself the day before my first shift by taking the rest of the Ativan that I had found (8 pills) and chasing it with a 2/6 of sambuca. I didn't feel like that was enough and began taking my prescription medicine when BB found me, got mad at me, and put me to bed, not knowing what I had done.

You're not supposed to mix those two things together, I was supposed to die, but I didn't. Which sucked and you know what? The job sucked too.

I lasted two weeks exactly.

Everyone who worked there knew nothing.

The manager and assistant manager both came from working at Safeway and knew nothing about retail. The other sales associates did nothing all day but stand there, and this one younger girl who had been there for two years thought she knew everything and basically ran the store because she wouldn't explain anything to anyone which drove me insane because she was only a sales associate.

Me being me tried everything I could to get information about how the store should be and how I could fix it "according to the rules".

I mean honestly, it wasn't like I was stepping out of my place. The mannequins where poorly dressed, in wrinkled clothes, no accessories, there was no signage anywhere, if the employees weren't specifically given a task they wouldn't do anything, and they didn't even keep track of the budget!

WHAT!?

So yeah I tried my best but was always given a slammed door instead of answers. No matter WHO I'd ask or HOW I'd ask it.

I was going insane.

The last day I actually worked there I just decided "fuck it!" and rearranged shit how I pleased and filled the signage. That took most of my day because where they keep the signs, that girl was in charge of how they were organized (of course), and guess how they were organized!?

THEY WEREN'T.

It took me literally four hours to find all the proper signage and put them out on the floor. Because there were some here, some there, oh! some in the office, some were lost...

Like I was so done before the actual reason of me leaving took place.

So after I finished work that day it was BB's birthday, September 4th. So we went to his friend's house, T and K's, whom I don't like to begin with but whatever, it's for BB.

We get there, and party until sunrise.

Throughout the night I start feeling... off. I'll go into it more in the next post.

But basically I think I was drugged by this weird black guy that didn't like anybody. He kept calling me a privileged white girl with no worries and a bigot. I was like, "EXCUSE ME, I MIGHT NOT HAVE HAD ANCESTORS FROM A GAZILLION YEARS AGO WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN SLAVES. BUT I PERSONALLY, HAVE HAD A VERY SHITTY LIFE AND HAVE MANY WORRIES AND ACTUALLY HAVE TRIED TO KILL MYSELF A FEW TIMES. OTHER THAN YOUR ANCESTORS WHO I DOUBT YOU EVEN KNOW, WHAT'S UP YOUR BUTT?"

So yeah, this guy was mean and made me cry. Then everyone got mad at him and he promised to be nice to me and kept telling me to drink my drink (I only had one drink the entire night and felt supremely drunk).

Then this guy I knew from high school came over and I felt super uncomfortable. He was really mean to me on msn in grade 10 lol and I didn't like him and voiced to BB I wanted to leave. BB said no, asked me what was wrong, assured me "everything was fine", and the night continued.

I was actually getting along with both the in black guy and the mean guy from high school but still felt uncomfortable and BB was always conversing with other people so he wasn't there.

At one point everyone was weighing themselves and I felt so uncomfortable I started having a mini panic attack and just put my head on the table.

Again I told BB I wasn't comfortable and asked if I could just wait in the car and again he said no, said "everything was fine", gave me a hug, and again it continued.

Near the end of the night I tried to go to the car myself and the black guy and high school guy stopped me. Asking why I was leaving.

I said I didn't feel comfortable, too many people don't like me.

The said no, said "everything was fine", and sat me down.

BB was outside with everyone else smoking I think.

I was sat between the two guys and they were both sitting too close and the black guy kept touching my upper thigh.

Now remember, I'm really out of it from my ONE drink (I swear I was drugged). Everything is feeling like a dream, like I don't have control over it. It's weird, I don't like it.

The night finally turns to day and everyone begins to leave. The high school guy decided to stay the night and sleep on the couch, and BB and I are in the car, just about to leave when I realize, I don't have my purse!

I go back inside, and it's all dark.

I start looking around the coffee table and couch and can't find it (later I found that I put it in BB's duffle bag when I tried to leave the last time by myself).

I can't see well and start patting around the couch and realize someone there.

Now I can't remember if I laid on the couch beside him, or if he pulled me onto the couch. But suddenly there's cuddling with someone.

I'm still obviously out of it and I think that I'm at home on the couch with BB.

"BB" kisses me, I kiss back and then he's on top of me and he's taking off my clothes and then I realize it's not BB.

But I can't stop what's happening, it's a dream and I don't have control.

Suddenly there's someone coming in through the front door.

"... Mint?"

The guy jumps up and runs out the door, I hear BB say, "What the fuck."

He grabs me up off the couch by my hair and pushes me through the door on the the ground yelling at me.

I'm wearing my shirt, and panties.

He's yelling at me and T and K run out to see what's going on.

"This dirty fucking whore thought she could cheat on me!"

I couldn't say anything I'm just sitting on the grass with my head down.

BB drags me around the yard yelling at me.

Straddles me and bashes my head into the ground a few times, hits me a few times.

He rips off my shirt, "Oh you want to be naked for everyone hey? You fucking slut. Well here you go! Do you like that? DO YOU?"

He chokes me and K finally comes in, trying to push him off of me.

T stands there, I found out later he was video-taping it.

K is small so BB quickly pushes her off of him and comes back to me. Now T is mad because his girlfriend has been pushed (he was the one that should've been stopping BB, all that was needed was someone to pull BB off of me).

Anyway, he phones the police as BB finally cools down a little. He says we need to talk and I nod and he starts to escort me to the car, but the police are already there and K tells me to get inside because I'm fucking in my underwear.

Anyway, BB got sent to jail for the day, T and K tried to charge BB for pushing K and I wasn't allowed to contact BB.

I had huge bruises and scrapes all over my body from being dragged, my entire chin was purple, and I had a cut starting at my eyebrows, going down to my mouth. Mom took me too the hospital so that it could be on record WHAT the real damage was so the it couldn't be changed by T and K later.

While I was there the doctor said I probably had border-line personality disorder! PROBABLY SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T RANDOMLY SAY TO A PATIENT WHO DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION ON HER MATTER.

Long story short, BB broke up with me, somehow we got back together after telling and retelling my story to him over and over.

He still doesn't believe me I know, and he still wants to fucking kill the guy who caused all this. Every time we drive by where he lives BB stares at the house, seeing if he's outside.

BB's a crazy motherfucker and would kill him, I know it. So it's a good thing we're trying to get out of this town.

The no contact order was in place until the end of November (his third court date). They took it off because I wrote a lot of letters to the crown saying that they were ruining my fucking life by not allowing me to legally see him.

Since then we've been trying to be careful with drinking. But every time we do drink things get bad.

Once we had a fight and broke up and BB tried to kill himself by overdosing on I don't even know what. He was out of it all day, convulsing, throwing up, mumbling that he didn't take enough. He couldn't stand up, open his eyes... it was scary and I didn't know what to do. The no contact order was in effect so we'd get in trouble if I called for help.

Another time I tried to leave him in Edmonton but I eventually let him come with me. We were driving home and he kept screaming and yelling at me for always trying to abandon him. I pulled over and fucking flipped.

I physically hurt him. I put my hands around his neck and sunk my sharp nails into him. He responded by grabbing my head and bashing it onto the dashboard giving me a bloody nose, I replied by biting him so hard on his upper arm and hand that he's scarred really good.

I had never ever laid a hand on him before that night.

BB has been physical with me a few times before all this, he's slapped me a few times, choked me, bashed my head onto the car window, lifted me up from just the skin on my rib cage and thrown me. But I had never touched him.

I was afraid of myself. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I felt terrible.

What I'm trying to say, everyone hears what he's done to me and asks why I stay with him, when honestly, I wonder why he stays with me. That's what the next post is about.

Halloween I even got mad at him again for the C issue and ended up calling the cops saying that BB was at my house and wasn't supposed to be.

With me calling him in, he broke two of his conditions, contact with me, and drinking.

So yeah, I've sent my boyfriend to jail twice. We've physically and emotionally hurt each other. We've done it all, but I think we stay because we know none of that is real. It's all accidents.

Like, it's a LOT of accidents, but we're working on it.

We're not drinking, we're not doing drugs (together that is, or if we do we're supremely careful).

I'm in cognitive therapy again, I've seen a psychiatrist finally who gave me a different medication, and who didn't diagnose me with anything.

BB has been so good since April when that huge bomb was dropped on me. He makes me feel secure with our relationship, even though I worry a lot, I'm working on it.

He calls me his wife to people and to me directly, jokes that we've been together twenty years already.

I'm going to school for fashion design and merchandising and have a promising opportunity that I'm hopefully going to get in the new year.

I haven't binged since I've met BB, it's awesome I eat like a regular person (except when I'm working I just have one meal a day but yeah) and in the summer I even got back to my starting weight without even trying.

I'm not addicted to self-harm like before.

This summer I bought bathing suits, and wore them.

Yeah a lot of weird/intense shit has gone down, but we're working on it and it's not all bad.

Talk to you soon I hope, sorry for the break, and sorry for this incredibly long post.

❤︎,

Mint.