I suddenly really need to go home again.

Hi,

Sorry for the third post of the day, but I really just need to write things out.

It's okay to have thoughts in your head, but writing them seems to settle the soul, you know? As if putting them into print helps send the thoughts off; either out into space, or to the next step of its development.

So, I can't remember whether or not I've mentioned this but the children's literature class I'm currently enrolled in? I've never attended. And I tried so harddddd so attend it and everything! I'd go to campus early to make absolutely sure I wouldn't arrive late; I'd pump myself up with music and words of encouragement beforehand; I'd go to campus with a list of things to do before class so that the whole "class part" wouldn't seem like such a big deal, it'd just blend in; and I've even gone to school drunk to rid my anxieties.

Did any of those options work? Obviously not.

Quite frequently I'd make it to the campus parking lot, park, and then immediately turn the car back on and drive back home.

My mom asked me why this was and this is the best way to explain it:

When I'm on campus it's literally like I'm transported back to first year; and I'm not kidding. I feel like I'm a ghost. Caught in a limbo where I'm hovering between the past and present. I'm there, but not really. Because I'm not. I'm in the past, I'm in first year all over again. And it seems that wherever I go on campus, my old res building looms overhead like a death sentence.

It's an eery feeling because, like I said, I literally feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know if I'm crazy or what, but yeah, I feel it. And my memories while being on campus this year are quiet. Oddly still. Although my memories from first year are just as still and quiet, they are a lot darker. But that is because I really was a ghost back then; do any of you remember?

But the important thing to note here is that, I physically can't be on campus. It harbours much too much of something that drags me down (part of the reason I'm dropping out) and they're changing the campus too much. This creates even more anxiety. I feel like a tortured ghost who's spirit is trapped inside a house and all I can do for eternity is sit and watch people constantly touching and changing what doesn't belong to them. And I feel angry about it! 

 "This isn't right." 

 "This isn't right!"

 "THIS ISN'T RIGHT!" 

 The campus now has speed bumps, the table I used to spend all my time at in first year is now a two seater desk, the professors all have different offices, the library has a completely different layout, same with both of the campus cafeterias, the candy counter is completely different and doesn't even sell the chocolate bar I used to live off of, there's a mini cafeteria in the engineering building, and the fine arts building is now called the critical creative studies building.

And then I'm there, stuck in limbo, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one can even hear me, because I'm not even there. No one sees it the way I see it, no one feels it the way I feel it. 

Cold, trapped, quiet, with an engulfing anger of hopelessness and frustration. 

That's why I can't be on that campus. It devours me whole, and it's really scary...

I just wanted to write that out. Thanks.

- Mint.