I'm exhausted from thinking.

Shit.

It's caught up with me again.

I went home, saw mom, talked to her about dropping out to pursue a more creative career path, she was okay with it as long as I fight for what I want, and now... I'm scared.

I feel like I've taken this huge running start towards a cliff, and then just before jumping, I dig my heels into the earth; now I'm just teetering.

Should I actually drop out? What will I actually do with my life? Will I be satisfied?

I told my mom that my main destination is to be a creative director, but if a different opportunity comes up, or my interest is sparked elsewhere, I'll follow that path. I told her that my goal is just to move forward in life.

But is this a good decision?

WHAT DOES A CREATIVE DIRECTOR EVEN DO. HOW DO YOU BECOME ONE. DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. WILL IT KEEP ME INTERESTED, AND PASSIONATE?

So then my head automatically weighs in the other options, same old record, same old tune:

• Chef: I'm a vegetarian. It's hot in the kitchen. Only fun when you're not in a dead-end restaurant job. FAT. FAT. FAT.
• Baker: Repetitive. Only fun when in a classy bakery without creepy old bakers. Takes a lot of muscle. Hard to stay in business. FAT. FAT. FAT.
• Cake decorator: Repetitive. Fad. Creepy old bakers. I'm slow as fuck. FAT. FAT. FAT.
• Writer: LUUUUUUL. I'd have to have ideas of things to write.
• Photographer: I'm not one anymore.
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And I worry a lot about my brain. Like, I'm a smart girl, and I'm worried that if I don't exercise my mind properly, I'll lose it. I'm already sooo bad at math now, and I'm worried that if I go into a non-accademic career, my mind will get bored and will eventually want to return to academics.

BUT EVEN THOUGH PSYCH IS SO INTERESTING, I'M WORRIED THAT THE ACTUAL JOB WILL BORE ME. It's repetitive! Especially if I specialize.

Like, someone will come in with a problem and I try to help them. But you can only ever get better if you want to get better. So I'm really just a guide. Also, the problems will eventually begin to overlap and like, IDK. I want a career where I'm doing something all the time. I don't want to just sit the entire day, counting down every hour, minute, second...

That's why I thought the fashion industry and more specifically, being a creative director would be meant for me. Everything's new, you're always going, always creating.

But now I'm worried. A creative director doesn't actually create things with their own two hands. They come up with the ideas and oversee everyone to make their vision come true. BUT I WANT TO BE MAKING SHIT. LIKE I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING AND BE LIKE, YEEEE BITCHES, THAT'S MY DOING, LOOK HOW AMAZING I AM.

Fuck... my head wants to go back into cake decorating now. Or baking. Or cooking. Or becoming a pastry chef.

SHITTTTTTT. WHY IS MY HEAD SO INDECISIVE.

WHY IS MY HEAD SO PASSIONATE. WHY IS MY HEART SO FAST.

Ugh. I need some major help.

- Mint.