It's empty in the valley of your heart.

Remember that razor blade I stole from work this summer?

Yeah, I tried it again today and decided that I like it way better than my scissors.

The weekend wasn't too bad calorie-wise. Sunday was over for sure, but I figure that if I eat a high calorie amount every so often, my metabolism won't die.

Today was a fast day and I'm so cold and tired.

We're out of cake at work again and there's so many orders coming in and the set stock is incredibly low.

I'm not interested at all in school so I just keep getting further and further behind.

Last week was interesting because cute boy at work was told that his girlfriend was cheating on him. BUT the day after, everything was fine because his whore of a girlfriend (who is actually cheating on him) got him to believe that she isn't. So that's anti-climactic...

I also got a lecture from my one guy friend about smoking and how bad it is for you blahblahblah. He wouldn't shut up about it, but the most annoying part was that he linked it to my ED and depression and stuff. WHICH IS STUPID AND TOTALLY WRONG AND I WAS LIKE NO AND HE WAS LIKE YES AND I WAS LIKE OMG YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME APPARENTLY WHICH IS SAD BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU DID KNOW ME AND NOW THIS IS WEIRD BECAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE AND NOW I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN.

So I'm not going to talk to him anymore. He was getting boring anyway.

I might go and get drunk by myself now... Life really sucks.

- Mint.

Just an update.

Hi there!

Just wanted to update you:

• Tuesday I broke my limit and had 700 calories.
• Wednesday my mom made dessert which broke my limit again and I had 700 calories.
• But THURSDAY, I finally made it and had a good 500!

Today will be good too so 500 is definitely what I'll be having.

Tomorrow my mom said that she wanted to make me supper (she loves cooking), so I'll fast for the day until dinner time.

Planning is essential for restricting. If I plan I can have whatever my mom makes all the time, or go out with friends, and not feel entirely guilty. When I don't have time to plan or think, chaos happens.

I didn't fast on Wednesday like I was planning, but I'm pleased that my calorie intake wasn't too high (for just starting restricting again).

I think that if I steadily restrict, and fast Monday's, I'll have a better chance than fasting Mondays and binging everyday after.

B was supposed to come up this weekend, but it decided to snow, and other stuff so she's not :(

ONE DAY THOUGH.

I'm also reading Winter Girls for the fourth time haha I love that book, it has such a good writing style.

- Mint.

Such a failure.

Decided to add two more rules:

1. Fruit only for breakfast for forever (if I have breakfast)
2. Soup only for lunches

Today wasn't so bad, but I didn't meet my restriction goal :/ pathetic I know.

BUT, I decided that I'm going to fast tomorrow, so there's that.

- Mint,

How long will this last?

Okay, this is it. And I mean it this time! 100%, let's go.

The rules?

1. No more sweets, period. No more sweets ever in my entire life, no more.
2. A strict 500 calorie budget, for forever.
3. Monday=Fast day
4. No binges. Sorry, they're not allowed ever again so too fucking bad.
5. Write on here or in my journal everyday, even if it's just to list what I've eaten.

Dear Brain: Stop answering your own questions, it's not fair to the other children.

I made it through the weekend without a binge which is really good because it means that I'm actually getting somewhere.

Today is my fast day and it's going pretty good so far.

I always think it's weird when people count how many legit hours they've been fasting and post it on tumblr.

"5 hours into my fast! <3"

I just don't get it.

I remember last year when I was doing so well and accidentally fasted for a week without realizing it. That would've never happened if I counted down every minute.

Today I was looking at the scars on my legs and realized for the first time ever how bad they actually are.

It's weird remembering my brain telling me that I wasn't self-harming, that the cuts weren't deep enough, and that I wasn't bleeding enough to actually call it self-harm. But looking at the remains, I feel like I was definitely in deep, and it's now obvious that my scissors were in deeper.

Realizing that the future is coming is scary. What if I ever want to wear shorts? What if I want to wear a shortish dress? Or what if I ever decide that I accept myself enough to go swimming? What will I do?

I don't like to think about those things.

Now that I've told a few people about all of this stuff I think it's funny how they react. Because I'm not skinny they totally dismiss the restricting and fasting and diet pills and working out and binging until I can't move, but focus on the cutting. Where in reality, they should really be more concerned about the disordered eating.

A cut is a cut. It can bleed, it can be deep, but really, a cut is just a cut. It bleeds, it heals, it sometimes leaves a scar.

But do they realize how much your body is damaged without food for just a day? Or a week? Or constant restriction, with added binges?

I don't know, I just find it interesting because I would probably react the same. There must be something programmed in out brains to be super concerned about a person who physically cuts through their own flesh.

Maybe because it's immediate? Maybe because the only thought one connects with blood is pain?

Food is totally different because our brains connect it with pleasure, and guilt, and normality, and all sorts of other things. Healthy people juice fast, religious people fast, sometimes people are too busy and just skip meals. Why is it so bad if someone else skips a meal? Or two, or three or four...

I guess that makes sense, and I guess I just answered all of my questions, and I guess my friends' concerns aren't so weirdly focussed.

Gah.

- Mint.

I can't really see right now.

I decided that an apple and a protein drink is enough for me today, I looked in the mirror when I got home from work and there's no way I'm allowed dinner.

ALSO, when I came home at changed out of my uniform I saw this dot on my leg (see photo below). It's really weird because four hours ago (when I changed into my uniform) there was nothing there.

It's also weird because it's RIGHT on the scar, and it bumps out a bit too. WHAT IS IT?

Also, for some reason I can't really see right now. Like, it feels like my eyes are crossed or something, and it's getting progressively worse (started like 1/2 hour ago) and now I can barely see. Thank god for autocorrect I guess because I can barely see the screen right now.

This happens to me sometimes and I have no idea what it is. One time it happened at work like 2 years ago and everything was basically black for like 10 minutes and it sucked because I was a cashier at the time and you sort of need to see when you're a cashier.

Anyway, somebody tell me what's wrong with me, THANKS.

- Mint.

Six Things.

1. I'm starting my adolescence development course (finally) and for one of the assignments I get to write an essay about eating disorders AND I'M SO EXCITED BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GET 100% IF IT KILLS ME.
2. I finally worked out for the first time in forever and could feel my fucking ass bounce while I ran and it was the most disgusting thing ever and omg I can't believe how bad it's gotten and I can't believe how long it took to finally get me on the treadmill again.
3. This week hasn't actually been too bad restriction wise. I fasted on Monday; Tuesday/Wednesday were alright; Thursday I had a chocolate bar (don't ask) and a salad, and since I worked out I feel like it was a win. Today I'll have an apple, bowl of soup, and probably some sort of salad again.
4. I decided that I'm not going to buy diet pills anymore, which is a BIG deal since I've been taking them since I was like 14/15. The ones I buy (SlimQuick) are really just caffeine pills that are supposed to have the added benefit of being an appetite suppressant. It's funny because caffeine IS an appetite suppressant. Anyway, the main thing is I'm not going to buy them religiously anymore. Just on occasion, maybe. I'm just going to drink more coffee. It's more filling and a good laxative to boot (just saying).
5. Last night when I was laying in bed my stomach was growling and it was like that good kind of growl where you're like proud of yourself and it's like a sigh of relief that, ahh, you don't need food. You know? It was nice.
6. It's funny because the blog title was originally, "Two Things".

Think thin beauties! ♪

♥,

Mint.