Troubled Souls.

Did you know that if you go out in the sun, your faded, almost invisible scars, become dark and quite noticeable?

greatttt.

My head is a roller coaster.

Hi thereeee,

Sorry I've been gone for awhile. I don't really have an excuse, so whatever.

I've been keeping at 500 calories and I've also been going down in weight. Yaaaaay.

But everyday I feel like I'm cheating because I'm eating. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm eating cereals, AND apples! Sometimes if I know I won't make 500 calories because my morning's been too busy to eat, I take TWO things for lunch at work.

I feel like I'm being bad, like I'm guilty. I don't deserve this much food on a regular basis! I don't deserve food when I'm aspiring to be thinnnnn.

It's so stupid though because when I binge it's like, shit. But when I eat the foods I've planned to eat during the day it's like,


OMGOMGOMGOMGNONONONONOOMGOMGOMGOMGFATFATFATFATFAT


My life doesn't make sense.

Also, I hate being a part of society, lol. I hate going to work, and getting close to people, because when they go for five days off (or even two days off!) I fucking miss them, and feel so lonely even though there are still other people at my work place that I like. I feel so fragile.

I saw my two best friends for the first time since March the other day. It was fun, but when I came home I felt terrible. They're going to leave. They're going back to the city to go to university together, and they have all these awesome plans and all these awesome memories.

I hate it.

That's why I don't want to see anyone. It just hurts waaay too much.

kill me now.


Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

I just realized something.

I just realized that I have absolutely no control.

I either starve, or binge. Starve or binge. There's nothing in between and I've been letting myself think that I have control.

pft.


So I'm going to try to force myself to have 500 calories a day because I know that I burn at least that amount at work, and can burn more easily by working out.

I'm going to fast at least once a week, and have an egg on toast once a week for breakfast when I have a day off with my mom.

I'm also going to try to have at least one complex carb per day so that hopefully, I'll stop binging. This carb will probably be oatmeal for breakfast during the week, and that toast I'll have once a week.

ALSO, this sounds stupid and petty and pathetic, BUT WHATEVER, here it goes: I'm going to put a stamp on my leg everyday that I do well, and a cut for everyday that I don't do well. I think I need to threaten myself...

And once I gain some control back, I'm going to go down to 300 calories a day and two days fasting a week and so on and so forth.

Thanks for everyone who's giving me support! I definitely don't deserve it at all :/

Hope you're all well! I'm fasting tomorrow!

Think thinnnn

♥,

Mint.

Depression isn't when you feel immense sadness, it's when you feel nothing at all.

Hey thereee,

Sorry I've been gone for the last couple of days!

been busy failing at life.


I'm at my Grannie's being a fat fat fatty. Fat pathetic baby. Fat worthless whale. FAT.


The 5-day cleanse I'm on is this one: Flush more Fat

I originally was going to do a huge rant about how this kit is shit, but it's actually working now, so I'm happy. It's less aggressive than my favourite Slimquick one, but I have to remember that not everything should be painful...

I don't really know how to lead up to this next thought so I mind as well just blurt it out: I want to be happy.

But it's impossible for me. The only way I'll be happy, is when I'm thin. But even when I'm thin, I'll be constantly worried about the affects food has on me and I'll still think I'm fat.

I'm destined for unhappiness. It's so annoying really, because sometimes I feel like I'm so close to unlocking the key to what will really make me happy.

I guess I'll just continue to live in the shadows...

Dear Self: Remember that food will make you happy for about two seconds and then you feel even more pathetic and unhappy than before. Remember that going to sleep empty will make you happy all throughout the night and into the morning. Kay, thanks.

♥, Mint.

Down.

I'm down from yesterday.

It's sooo not enough though.

this is going to take forever and it's killing me.


Whatever, just stick with it...

Today I won't be able to work out because I have to pack, and then go to work, and then immediately after drive four hours with my mom to my Grannie's. But I'm fasting today, and tomorrow is the start of my 5-day cleanse! It better work, and I better not fuck this up.


Ugh I still can't get over how damn fat I am... I'm so ashamed.

Think thin girls!

♥,

Mint.

Today ended up turning around.

Hey~!

So, after my last post, I went to the store and bought my detox kit and a pedometer.

I was shocked that Wal-Mart didn't have my normal SlimQuick Cleanse either!

guess they stopped making it...


Now, I'm definitely a creature of habit, and I'm loyal as hell to all of my routines. If something throws me off, I feel all unbalanced.

I was standing in the aisle for like five minutes, looking at where the pills should have been thinking, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What the FUCK am I going to do!?"

I finally snapped out of it and bought a different cleanse! A five day one which will work perfectly because I'm gone for five days! Woo!

The pedometer I got is super cute and super slim, it's exactly what I need! I wore it today at work and found out that I burn about 500 calories/shift! It actually said 700 but I'm trying to make it more accurate by lowering it haha

I fasted today also, so I'm about -750 calories just from the exercise I've done! And I'm about to be down 250 more because I'm going to work out a little more before I go to sleep.

This will bring my grand total to: -1000 calories for the day.

Thank God.

I'm no longer lazy.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh in is better!

♥, Mint.

WTF

I went UP from yesterday.

Honestly, what. the. FUCK?


Yesterday, I burnt 250 calories at eleven o'clock at night, and now I just finished burning 250 more before I go to work for the day.

I'm seriously so mad at myself right now.

I need to lose three pounds by tomorrow...

FUCK.


I'll fast today, and work out again once I get home. I need to lose weight.

And when I go to my Grannie's I'm not going to stop moving. I'm just going to walk all day everyday I'm there. Try to skip breakfast, apple for lunch, salad for dinner (Less than 200 calories a day).

FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCK.


I need to go down to the store and buy a step-counter thing... And my detox pills for while I'm at my Grannie's (the store I went to yesterday didn't have them).

BYE.


♥, Mint.