Update

Hii,

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I honestly just haven't gotten around to it until now.

I decided not to make a food diary blog just because I know I wouldn't keep up with it. I'm just keeping a little tally in my head, and making sure that I avoid most carbs. And so far so good! :D

I'm settling back into the feeling of hunger, and it's exciting! Maybe this is it! Maybe I'm back in the game! September is usually a good time for me to start things :)

I haven't been working out like I've been wanting, but I'll get on that too hopefully...

The rest of my courses have come in finally! It's sort of a bitter-sweet feeling, actually. Sweet because I can actually start, and because I don't have to focus only on French :p ; But bitter because OMG I've got a lot of work ahead of me :/

Can I do it? I have to.

I don't want to be a waste of money, and I don't want to be a disappointment to my mother. Anddddd as I work through my courses, and work through each day, I'll be getting smaller and smaller. :)

Everyday, as long as I'm good, I'll get smaller.

So exciting!

I hope you're all well :)

Think thin.

♥,

Mint.

Planning is fun because it's theory.

OKAY,

So here's my plan (are you sick of my plans yet?):

It's basically the same as my other plans but different. 500 calories. I know it's in the binge zone, but it's a number that I feel good about.

But here's the catch, I'm allowed to eat more (extra fruit or bigger dinner than expected) as long as I work it off.

Weekends I'll allow 800 calories because I can't work out with my mom in the house because I wear my shorts and tshirt when I work out and she'd definitely notice lol

I'm also going to make a food log blog to make me motivated to have a good day.

I'll try to have only fruit for breakfast (oatmeal on weekends), sandwich for lunch and cooked or salad veggies for dinner.

I can snack on fruit and carrots or pickles, and drink lots of tea (I'm trying to drink tea now :) ).

Hopefully this works, hopefully I can follow it and get back into the swing of this.

Please please please let this be the golden ticket.

♥,
Mint.

Les démons fait le fantôme chanter.

Hey,

I realized that I haven't told you guys that I'm on day three of being vegan!

I've been trying on and off again for about a year to go vegan but it's always ended with chocolate binges.

BUT, I'm trying hard to eat enough healthy food to keep binges at bay, which results in two things:

1. Being vegan for more than a day.
2. Controlling binges so that I can regain my control over food.

It's also really helpful that Starshine is going vegan too, she always gives me inspiration.

Also, since around the end of December, this blog hasn't really been focussed on anything in particular. Mostly depression, and saying sorry for being absent, and saying sorry for binging.

I was thinking of making another blog where I post what I've eaten, just so that I'm more aware of everything. I'm not too sure though, I'll have to think about it. I'm eating way too much lately, I could see myself lying on there, or only posting good days to make myself feel better.

My frustration today is minimal which is a good thing. But I really need an outlet I'm thinking. I love all things arty but I'm so hard on myself, and eventually give up because I'm too hard to please.

The only thing I feel I'm remotely good at is writing. But then, where do I start? What do I write? I need a tutorial on how to be creative. Scratch that, I need a tutorial on just life in general, that'd be awesome, thanks.

I work today (4-8) so it should be a good food day... As long as I don't eat the potato salad, or the coleslaw, or the cookies.

Fuck I'm fat. It's okay though, because I won't eat them, and I won't care that I'm not eating them, I won't even think about them. More thoughts to avoid, awesomeeee.

♥,

Mint.

Sorry

Hiiii,

I just wanted to say sorry for yesterday, and thank you so much to Starshine and Kate for being there for me ^.^ your internet hugs are greatly appreciated.

I would never attempt suicide no matter how low I feel because I have a mom, and I'm her everything. I don't want her blood on my dead conscious. I understand that a big factor in life is living, but sometimes it's just so hard. I know that all of you understand where I'm coming from, probably more than I do.

Right at this moment (I say this moment because my opinion on everything changes quite completely and frequently), I feel like I'm searching for the key to unlocking the secret of life. The secret to positivity, or happiness.

Every quote I read, every painting I see, or song I hear, there's got to be more. I know there are layers to everything, but I can't make out what they are, everything's blurry. I'm floating on top of sea full of answers, I know it, but I just can't submerge myself into the meaning.

I think this is why French is frustrating me so much right now. Because it's exactly the same. You know how in a different language there are words which mean the same as our words, but not quite? The translations we create to understand are just that, translations, not the actual meaning. That's why quotes and books should stay in their native tongue, because as soon as you translate it, the depth of the meaning is lost.

Literature and music and paintings, it's all art, it all means something. And deep inside I can feel what it means. But my mind won't translate it. It's like when there's a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can't quite get it; so frustrating.

I know I'm rambling about nothing but if you've read this far into my words, please hear me out:

The title of Robert Frost's famous poem, "Nothing Gold Can Stay" I'm sure everyone knows this poem from the book, The Outsiders. I know what it means, I can feel the depth, but to try to explain it to myself to the depth that it deserves, I just can't!

Or this piece of music, or this one, or this one.

Or Coeur de Pirate's lyrics, "Et nos coeurs, nos coeurs, sont restés, dans cette mer."

Or this poem by Ezra Pound that we studied in poetry:

"The apparition of these faces in the crowd:

Petals, on a wet, black bough."

Or even Vincent van Gough's Starry Night, or his self-portrait (that needs to be seen in person to give it justice).

What are the words to describe the meaning of all this? OF LIFE? I want to be able to share with everyone what everything is, I want to speak this beauty in my own words.

Oh my god I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm lost in translation, that's what it is. Please, someone let me speak art, piano, literature, French.

I'm an artist, who can't pick up a brush.

Help me have an epiphany.

♥,

Mint.

PanicPanicPanic

I want to die so fucking much.

I'll never pass this French course.

I'm never going to be fluent in French.

Even if I was fluent, what use is it?

I'm never going to live on my own, thus I'm never going to go out and meet people.

I hate people anyway.

I'm never going to be kissed, or loved because who wants that?

I'm never going to be thin.

I'm never going to accomplish anything.

I'm never going to be happy.

There's no point to my life, other than wasting time, waiting to die.

Omg I hate everything so much.

I can't cope with anything.

I have to work again in two days. I'm so fat though. I'm always so god damn fat. It's embarrassing parading around in this body. I'm sorry that people have to look at me.

My shift is a full 8 hours and 1 hour for lunch.

I'll be behind yet another day in my courses.

Time keeps racing, I try to chase it but it's no use, I can't catch up now. I'm too far behind.

I give up.

Let me die, oh please, let me die.

I want death. The coldness of it. I want the air to be free of my lungs, the world to be free from me.

My mind is a waste. It's infested with hate, and evil.

I can't deal with it.

I'm so tired, but I've have seven espresso shots today.

I'm such a waste.

Someone please kill me.

Je vis tous les jours... malheureusement.

So I'm working on my French course when they give me this excerpt from Le Petit Prince to read:

   « Que fais-tu là ? » dit-il au buveur, qu’il trouva installé en silence devant une collection de bouteilles vides et une collection de bouteilles pleines.

   « Je bois, » répondit le buveur, « d’un air lugubre. »

   « Pourquoi bois-tu ? » lui demanda le petit prince.

   « Pour oublier. » répondit le buveur.

   « Pour oublier quoi ? » s’enquit le petit prince qui déjà le plaignait.

   « Pour oublier que j’ai honte. » avoua le buveur en baissant la tête.

   « Honte de quoi ? » s’informa le petit prince qui désirait le secourir.

   « Honte de boire ! » acheva le buveur qui s’enferma définitivement dans le silence.

I don't know why it touched me so, but I feel like it's a beautiful paragraph, with sadness that fills many of our hearts. When reading it I was thinking, how come I never tried to drink away the sun filled days, the thoughts that haunted me day in and day out? Was I too embarrassed? Was it too expensive? The calories?

Maybe because it's a loss of control... if I just sat at home and drank my problems would be obvious and people would find out and look down upon me.

That's probably it.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this because it made me feel something, and that's always good.

« Je bois, » répondit le buveur, « d’un air lugubre. »

♥,

Mint.

Some explaining is in order.

Hii,

Sorry for disappearing, again.

I've fallen into a routine of posting for two days straight, and then not posting for weeks.

Hopefully that changes soon, I can't promise anything, but it'd be nice wouldn't it?

Today's the fourth of September, and everyone's at school.

Where am I? At home. Did I drop out? Nope.

What am I doing?

I'm doing correspondents this year. I couldn't live eight hours away from home again. If I did I'd get mega-depressed again and accomplish nothing. So I figured being semi-depressed would be better.

But it's only day one and I'm already stressed out. My French course is completely in French and I can't understand any of it. Thank god for google translate.

I have to complete two French courses per semester for my degree, but because one is needed for the other, I have to cram one course in before starting the second.

And that's just for French. I haven't even gotten my psychology courses yet. So I'm already behind in everything.

Fuck.

AND, I'm working part time also because I decided to buy a car. Fuck, I'm stupid.

Obviously I'm still fat because if I wasn't, I would've bragged about losing weight on here. UGHHH I'm so sick of my pathetic self. Bring back the skinny girl who's got everything together, kay thanks.

It's 3:30 and I haven't even finished the review chapter yet. Fuck my life, this is going to be a bad year.

♥,

Mint.