Black outs and anxiety.

I got realllllllly drunk on Thursday.

Like, I remember getting to the club, buying a shot, buying a drink, talking to a guy at the bar about who knows what AND THAT'S IT.

Morgan and I got to the club at about 11:30, we left apparently at 1. I LASTED AN HOUR AND A HALF.

I guess within that hour and a half I got a tequila shot, a highball, another tequila shot, another highball, and a free tequila shot from the bartender.

Before I left the apartment I had about half of a 2/6 of tequila. FUCK.

Apparently the guy I was talking to was super nice and super sexy too (according to Morgan). FUCK.

I guess he called Morgan and I M&M and I started flipping shit, because that's what I call us! He must've been my soulmate I swear to god. And later on in that hour and a half he found me again and was super excited about it. FUCK. GOD DAMMIT DRUNK MINT, GET SOME NUMBERS, JEEEZ.

I apparently couldn't get on the stage either. Shit. And then when we were leaving I guess I ran into the back of Morgan's head like SUPER hard. I guess she had a goose egg from it! And that explains why my nose hurts super fucking bad, STILL.

I also got a shit ton of bruises and rolled my ankle.

AND, when we were coming back to the apartment, I ended up throwing up outside the building and the cabby had to help Morgan get me to my apartment.

Shit I'm embarrassing...

All day yesterday and today I've been have my mini panic attacks again. I call them mini panic attacks because it's not like, one major episode, it's just toned down a bit and last for days; it's horrible. Last night I couldn't sleep at all because I was so anxious; heart fluttering about.

Today at work was so bad too because I was oh sooooo dizzy. And my heart was oh soooo jumpy.

I decided to withdraw from the only course I'm taking on campus, because campus is too scary. I can't handle it.

I also decided that I'm quitting my job. That way I can go home for Christmas. My last Christmas, at the home I grew up in. I'll be able to see my friends. And I won't be so stressed about being late, and also losing more and more time for school.

ANYWAY, I know I'm so pathetic and weak but whatever I guess. I need isolation. And I know that isolation is probably the worst thing for me, but whatever, I don't care.

I don't care because everything is piling up and it's getting heavier and heavier on my chest. I can't breathe and I'm constantly on the brink of tears.

YET FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN'T CRY. The closest I can get to that feeling of release is through writing. And I've been writing a hell of a lot lately...

I can't look people in the eye again.

I have the urge to cut again.

I want to shrink until I disappear...

The world is just too much for me.

And I need to escape.

- Mint.