I don't even have problems.

To continue my lost friends post saga, today I learnt that one of my friends was raped while in Ecuador.

She was raped by her host brother and he took her virginity.

After that she got a new host family, but was really fucked up for a bit. Control issues, you know? She felt like she needed to be in control of things so she'd do things such as not lay down (so stand or sit) for weeks at a time, she would shower with her clothes on, and she slept with her new host brother on her own terms. Just so that she could be in control of as many situations as possible.

Today was the first time that she had told anyone about it, and the only reason she did was because she had a really realistic flashback about the event, which turned into an intense anxiety attack.

I guess she's been thinking about it a lot the last couple of weeks because it's Rape Awareness month or something so her mind has been digging up the old demons.

When she told me, I honestly didn't know what to say. Like, I've never been in that situation and can't even imagine being in that situation. It must have been so confusing and scary in the moment, followed by a mess of other emotions.

She was 17 when it happened so it's been 2 years since the incident.

The other girl we were with was talking about her own major depression and how she had to take medication for it, and apparently she had an eating disorder too (she didn't go into much detail because I guess she had already talked about it before I got there).

Then there's me.

I've had nothing fucking bad happen to me. I live in this perfect bubble apparently where I create my own tragedies and I'm just pathetic really.

These people are going to class, doing well,  and are still in the sorority. They're succeeding and living even though they've experienced terrible things. They've seen true darkness so what have I been complaining about these last couple years?

Nothing, because I have no real problems. "Oh no, the dad I'm not even close to remarried!" "Oh no, my brother is getting loads of attention because he's 'suicidal'!" "Oh no, I'm fat! So I fast!" "Oh no I'm hungry, so I binge!" "Oh no I'm fatttttt!" "Oh no, I'm sad because I have no friends because I don't go outside!" "Oh no everyone hates me, mind as well cut myself!"

I'm fucking pathetic.

Everyone around me is dealing with real issues, and are doing just fine. What's my excuse?

"I can't focus."

Oh no, poor fucking little princess.

I'm so FUCKING self-centered, I mean look at where this post has gone! My friend got raped and I'm talking about myself. So pathetic. So disgusting.

I just wish that I could make everyone happy, and better. I wish I could erase the bad and replace it with good.

I wish I could do something. But I can't. Nothing I'm trying is working and I can't help anyone...

So useless.

- Mint.