The cowardly lion.

I realized that I might have an anxiety problem.

LOL SHUSH, DON'T EVEN, I JUST REALIZED IT OKAY.

But seriously, everything's scary. Buying groceries, going downstairs to the parking garage, looking out my own window. Omg I have to go to the airport next week, and then FLY.

Like, I'm not afraid of flying but today I was thinking about it and my body just got really tight and my heart started beating fast.

I'm socially anxious, and I'm too scared to go to school.

Tonight I was invited by my boring friend to come decorate her and her roomies' Christmas tree. It would be the three roomies, my other boring friend, and boring friend #1's old ass boyfriend, and then the boyfriend's friends.

I knew I should go, I've bailed on her too much lately. But I just... couldn't.

I'm scaredddddd

I haven't met anyone new in so long, I haven't hung out with my boring friends in so long. Don't they realize that I need to ease into it again? Don't they realize that even a coffee date would be a great accomplishment?

It's an annoying realization but yeah, I'm afraid of the unexpected; I'm afraid of the world.

It's not like this is the first time anxiety has taken control either. Thinking back I've dealt with it for years. And it's obvious, I know, but I'm just accepting it now, sorry.

"You Fast

Is avoidance

really control?"

That's a poem that popped in my head one night and wouldn't leave until I wrote it down. I was too tired to turn on the light and grab my journal (it was 3 in the morning again and I had already written so much that day) so I grabbed my pen and wrote it quickly on my stomach.

I had no idea if the pen was writing or if it was writing whether or not one could actually read it.

It was really hard to decipher in the morning but obviously I did it.

"Is avoidance really control?"

I'm such a control freak and my mom has always told me so. But I never really notice it until she tries to cook something for me, or make my coffee. Or simply do anything for me at all.

One time I critiqued her so much whilst she was making a stir fry that she just quit halfway through.

Whenever I go to a restaurant I always change at least one part of what I order (no fries, no chicken, this sauce instead, this on the side), and you all know about my control issues with Subway. Driving for me is an issue as well. If someone else is driving, I'm really on edge and uncomfortable. I can't even imagine riding a bus.

I didn't think I had anxiety problems because I kept everything in order. So if everything was in order, then nothing bad happened.

Does that mean you don't have anxiety? You've managed to gain control of every single thing in your life. Is this avoidance, or just being organized and particular?

Don't even kid yourself. As soon as you think that veggie burger is a real burger because it tastes too good, the moment you have to actually wait in line at the checkout, the moment the person at Subway doesn't realize just what, "a lot of green peppers" means. Shit gets cray.

Controlling every aspect of your life is not control. It's avoidance. But becoming flexible to change and generally becoming okay with it, is.

Until that happens (if that ever happens) I'll just be over here, freaking out about everything.
Sometimes nothing even.
But isn't every big problem of mine actually "nothing"?

People are asking me how I'm doing, if things are getting better...
They're suggesting that maybe I talk to someone about everything I'm afraid of.
I think it's funny. Because this year compared to the last, or the one before that... is going simply peachy.
It's a dream.

- Mint.