The problem is that I fall in love too fast. The problem is that I don't know what love is.

I smoked some weed yesterday.

Before then, I have smoked weed 3 times.

Twice when I was 16, and once this past summer.

I've been high, once.

I'm such a n00b but whatever, deal.

The thing is, that when I actually got high that one time back in grade 10, it was legit so much fun, and I laughed so fucking much, and EVERYTHING WAS DELICIOUS.

This time, not so much.

I HAD THE MOST INTENSE PANIC ATTACK EVER. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I SMOKED A JOINT.

My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest; it hurt so much. I couldn't sit still and I told Morgan that we had to go for a walk.

I put on my coat, and boots, and was ready to go, but she was taking sooooooo long.

I WAS FLIPPING SHIT.

I WAS SO SCARED. Like, if I didn't move, I seriously thought I was going to explode. So when she was getting ready I was just pacing up and down, up and down, up and down the hall.

She eventually got everything together and I like, RACED down the stairs. When we got outside, I was walking sooooo fucking fast omg. But it was cold and windy and sorta rainy so that helped sober me up a bit and calm me down.

We decided to go back to my place because it was cold, and I lit incense to try to calm myself, and ate pizza to try to make myself feel comfy, and watched Friends to make me laugh.

But the whole time after, if I stopped focusing and sort of just sat, I'd get one of those heart leaps I normally get every so often. BUT WAAAY WORSE. And then it'd scare me, and then my heart would start beating really fast again and I'd have to try to calm myself down once more too.

Today was no different really. I was hella anxious allll day. Really edgy, really needing to move and gogogogo. Much more than normal.

And it's really annoying, like, being afraid for sooooo long over NOTHING. Fuck me.

Today was also my last day of work! Last night (before the weed obviously) I made little candy bags for each employee I actually worked with/liked and gave them with a Christmas card in which I wrote a little note to each girl!

EVERYONE WENT BONKERS. They were soooo stoked on candy, but when they read the cards their hearts melted lol one girl cried. And I got like a million hugs today and it's nice to receive love from people you love but didn't know felt love for you in return.

SPEAKING OF LOVE (lul) I fell in love with this poet dude on tumblr LOL. OMG HE'S A SAGITTARIUS AND THAT'S MY MOST COMPATIBLE SIGN AND THE ONLY OTHER SAGITTARIUS I'VE EVER MET WAS THE GUY I MET IN FRANCE AND I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S MY SOULMATE. Anyway! This new guy, writes killerrrrrrrr poetry. It's amazing and I like and reblog basically all of his poems because they're THAT amazing.

It was his birthday a few days ago apparently (because someone wished him a happy birthday) and that's when I realized that he was a sagittarius and that's when I realized that I needed to befriend him.

Immediately.

And oooooomg I'm so happy I did. His words are seriously like honey and I wouldn't mind drowning in them.

He accepted my offered friendship and appreciated me telling him that leos and sagittariuses are supposed to have killer sex.

He had to go to sleep because he has to wake up in 3 hours, but we're going to talk again tomorrow and OM A NOM I LOVE ARTISTS.

I think that's the most consistent characteristic I've shown attraction for. Because honestly, any guy I've ever truly liked were all artists of sorts. Whether they write, or paint, or play guitar, or simply live an artistic life... I apparently find artists incredibly lovable lol.

My heart is too easy and gracious and gullible and big.

ALSO:

Kay: thank you so so SO much for your comment! No one understands how much I need to hear stories like that! I live in a world where creativity is meant to be a "hobby", and your career is just meant to supply moneymoneymoney. Because that's what you need, moneymoneymoney. But I mean, look at the stories written about dragons! They've killed hundreds in the past to add to their collection of gold and rubies and sapphires, but they do nothing with it! Because they really don't need it! I have to learn that life isn't meant for a set plan of: school, career, workworkwork, savesavesave, retire, live quietly, die. It's meant to live in the moment. It's meant to live for yourself! And if I want to follow a creative path, if that's what my soul is craving, I should fucking do it! It's just scary is all... Talent and inspiration... What if it goes? (anxietyanxietyanxiety)

Love you all! My heart has swollen with sunlight today! Yet is still infested with jitter bugs unfortunately.

- Mint.