Obviously I'm not happy right now, because I hate getting old. I've hated getting older ever since I turned six, and realized that no, you don't get to be five your whole life. You're not placed on this earth to be a five year old. That sweet time lasts only 365 days, and then you grow further and further away from what you thought would be forever.
I think that from now on, I'm going to just pretend that I'm a lost girl, like the lost boys from Peter Pan but I'm a girl, not a boy. Because in Neverland, one doesn't grow older, one only stays the same. Time is still and nothing changes.
Although I'm not happy about growing older, I am happy with the lessons I've learnt in this past journey around the sun.
This time last year I wasn't really talking to any of my friends. I was binging and starving at work, cutting during my lunch break, and was falling faster than ever. I hated myself so so so much. Walking to and from my car at work was so bad. Walking anywhere sometime near December was the worst. I couldn't look at anyone, and I'd always have the strongest urge to rip open my stomach and slash my arms until they fell off.
Of course I still have the urge to cut, and of course I cut when things get bad but things aren't as bad.
I hate how fat I am, but that'll come off this year when I'm on my own. And I'll be patient, and it I will finally reach me UGW. But the important thing to note is that right now, I'm not binging, and I'm talking to people which I think is a really important change from last year to this year.
Another big change is the realization that I actually do like people. I mean, there's a lot of people that I fucking hate with a passion, and who I wouldn't want to stop and talk to in the street, but I like meeting cool people, and going out, and talking.
I like it a lot.
And I've realized that I need people, or else I go crazy. It's odd though because when I start to isolate, it's because I feel like that's what I need! But I've learnt that when I feel like that, I need to do the complete opposite. I've also learnt that ditching out on plans is always a dumb decision, because every time I've thought about ditching, but haven't, it's always been good!
And speaking of friends, I've learnt that people are not disposable. Which is another super important lesson. You can't just get mad at someone and be like, "this is the last straw! I'm so done with this person!" because that's just not how the human heart operates. Friends actually care about you, and your existence. They want you to feel better, and they will actually try to make you feel better. When you think that you're done with a friendship or just someone from school, no, you're not. All you need is space. People that you feel comfortable with are treasures that you keep in your heart, sure they can come and go in your life, but they're never really gone. You've made memories with these people, you've shared experiences, and those will never disappear.
I've also learnt that I have amazing friends, who are so sweet and kind that I definitely don't deserve them. I've learnt that if something's wrong, they won't make fun of me for voicing my concerns, they'll help me through it. And that they care when something's wrong, and want me to feel better. I've learnt that it's not a weakness to show my vulnerabilities to them, and that it doesn't matter if they don't understand exactly what's going on in my head, they still care and will always care. I've learnt that the distance between towns and cities doesn't create distance in friendship. And that I will never truly be alone.
Another thing I've learnt this year is that people actually fucking like me. Which I still have troubles understanding. Like Pumpkin tells people about our adventures all the time and they actually remember who I am, and ask how I'm doing and what I'm up to and I just think that's weird. I felt like I was a ghost all throughout high school. There, but not really. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that whenever I go out and see people that I know, they're excited to see me! Like happy, and they sit down and talk to me, because they fucking like me? It's so weird. I also think it's weird that when I go out I can talk to people, and meet people, and they're not weirded out or anything or think I'm boring. They like talking to me and that's so fucking weird.
When I was telling B about how I was scared that her boyfriend wouldn't like me she said, "Nah I think it should be good, I mean, you're an extrovert sooo..."
And I was so shocked! I took it as the hugest compliment I've ever received. Because, in my mind anyway, I think I'm the most boring person in existence. And if B thought I was extroverted, that means that she thinks I like to go out and do things, and talk to people, and I don't know, that's how I'd like to be, and how I'd like to be viewed, so yeah. That just made me so happy, because maybe, I am an extrovert! :)
Back to the whole people liking me thing, it's not just girls who like me, it's actually boys too! I only really talk to boys when I go out and most talk to me after meeting them at the bar or wherever which means that they didn't think that I was some freak lol I really like that because boys are usually more fun then girls. The best parts about boys liking me is that some actually like-like me. Which BLOWS MY MIND. I don't really have much else to say about the subject but yeah, some like me! Some even liked me in high school and I had noooo idea. And it's not like they like me because I'll put out (which I totally would if SOMEONE WOULD FUCKING LET ME) they like me because they think I'm interesting! And funny! And know things about music and art and stuff and I think that's way better than someone saying I'm pretty or beautiful. My body and face is just a body and face, it's not really me. My personality and interests are my soul, and if people say they like me for that then I think that's amazing.
Lastly, I've learnt that I'm actually a pretty cool person. And when I put myself out there, and just be as much me as possible, good things happen, and I feel good. I've learnt that I'm a lion heart, and lions are meant to shine. So I'm trying to put my light out there, and shine everywhere I go. Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's scary, but it's okay because I'm working on that. I've learnt that I shouldn't worry about all the people around me, because there's no reason to be wary of them. They don't matter.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
So, my main goal for this year and for Kelowna is to hit everything hard, and to really realllllly try to shine. I'm going to own that city, and own that campus. I'm a leo for god's sake, if I want to be on top, I'll be on top, because I'll work for it, and I'll deserve it. I'll be the queen of this jungle.
I'm going to meet people, and go out, and make memories. I'm going to save my money, and I'm going to come home as much as possible. I'll see B, and I'll see Pumpkin, and maybe other people in between. For spring break I'll finally make it to my ocean, and hit up the coast for a week. Next summer I'll live with Pumpkin in Edmonton and I'll visit B multiple times. Maybe I'll road trip to Oregon because for some reason it's captured my heart, and needs me to visit. The summer after I'm going to Disney Land with Pumpkin and I'll buy fairy wings and meet Alice! And Tink! And Peter! And Hatter! Maybe I'll go to France one day and spend a few weeks with my Mister Frenchfry. Maybe I'll go see him in Australia this winter, and spend New Year's with him.
The world is full of possibilities, and opportunities for travel. And if you really want something, you can make it happen. Go for it, write your own story, choose what you want to happen. Live life, don't fear it. Because I've seen that there are reasons to keep going, and people who want you to keep going, and people who you will meet that will be glad that you kept going.
I'm not going to tell you that "it gets better" because how do I really know that? I'm just saying that not everything your head tells you is true. Your mind likes to twist things, and distort reality. You're truly your own worst enemy.
The thing to take from this is to be yourself, and to love. If you love, you will be loved. It's as simple as that.
“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
Live in the moment, take the good with the bad. Learn to accept who you are, learn what you need and what you don't need. Learn that life is beautiful, but death is just as beautiful. Learn that you don't always have to be sad, but that you don't always have to be happy either.
Learn that some people care, but others do not. And that's okay!
In these past 365 days my heart has been thawed; and there is warmth.
♥,
Mint.
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